Friday, December 31, 2010

Post 64...Goodbye 2010

2010...what a year. It certainly was not my favorite year, but it had it's great moments too. It was such a jumble of good and bad throughout this year. Twice this year I became pregnant. Twice this year I lost people I love. I was able to leave my crappy demeaning job and enjoy home life. But then I had to watch my brother and his son deal with the drama of my brother's divorce. But then things worked out just in time for my husband and I to get medical assistance for the pregnancy (yesterday I actually got a call from DSHS--we applied a few weeks back for medical help with the pregnancy--and they said it looked like we qualify for some assistance!).

In some ways it feels like I'm ending this year the same way I started it off: pregnant, excited, and nervous. There is a lot to look forward to in the year 2011: the cerclage, having the baby, my husband possibly getting a raise, and so much more. The new year always felt like a new chapter (I know, the cliche is making me cringe as I type it, but it's true) with so many new possibilities. This last year, 2010, felt like the chapter in the book where a major plot twist takes place. It was the kind of chapter that truly defined the characters and foreshadowed future events. In this chapter, weaknesses were revealed, great love was lost and found once more, meaning and purpose were defined, and even death took hold of important characters changing the course of the entire story forever. So what happens after a climax like that in a story? Well, that's what awaits in the new year of 2011. It's a new chapter full of twists, new characters, heartaches and triumphs. After last year, I'm a little weary of starting this new year. But what can I say; I love this book. What else can I do but turn to the next page.

Chapter 25: Welcome 2011

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Post 63...Two week wait...again

I can't wait to have medical insurance at the turn of the new year. I'm so tired of the ladies in the front office looking at me as if I've done something horribly offensive when I tell them I am currently uninsured. Their eyes widen and their voices warble as if they've just tasted something foul. Yes ma'am, I am one of the poor unemployed and uninsured souls...beware of the economy or you too shall catch the plague of financial distress! Oh brother!

Aside from the front office's lack of equal treatment and professionalism, the doctors are fantastic. Yesterday we visited Eastside Medical again to have a combined screening done to assess the risk of any chromosomal abnormalities as well as schedule out the date for the cerclage. The doctor said that the ultrasound looked great. My cervix is holding up perfectly and, from what they were measuring, the baby looked absolutely healthy and showed no obvious signs of birth defects. They took a sample of my blood and will give me the results next week, but otherwise, everything else looked 100% healthy. The doctor then went over the procedure for the cerclage again. On the plus side, my husband will be able to be in the room with me for the pre-op and will only have to step out for the operation itself (which will only take about 20 minutes). As far as aftercare is concerned, I will still be able to take showers and move about a little bit, meaning I can walk from the bed to the couch. But I cannot exercise, lift anything too heavy, or stay on my feet for long periods of time. So basically I'll do what I normally do...sit on my butt and watch Netflix or read. For the two weeks after the surgery, I'll be on medication to keep things "quiet" in the uterus, just to be sure the surgery doesn't stimulate any contractions. And other than all'll just be a lot of resting and waiting.

It was an emotional moment to see the baby kicking and wiggling around on the ultrasound. Both my husband and I began to cry as we watched our little baby move with life. I couldn't help but think how deeply in love I am with that little tiny life growing inside me. I don't even know Sunshine yet but I love everything about him/her. I cannot wait until I can feel those little kicks!

Anyway, we scheduled out a date for the cerclage: January 14th at 10am. I am both terrified and anxious for it. I've already been crying from time to time in fear of the surgery. I have never had surgery before, and considering it is a life or death procedure for my baby, it scares me to no end. But at the same time, I am anxious to have it done because it means all the more reassurance that the pregnancy will carry full term. It's just so hard to believe it's only a couple weeks away. The time for the cerclage has come up so fast. The closer it gets, the more nervous I feel. But I'm sure once the surgery is done, I will feel a little safer with the cerclage in place.

On another note, my husband and I are up in the air again about the gender of the baby. For a short time, we both felt so sure it is going to be a boy. But now...well, we're not so sure. There are no for sure signs so, until we have our 20 week ultrasound, it's any one's guess. As long as they carry full term, I'll be happy.

So here we go, another two week wait. The first one we were waiting to take a pregnancy test. This time, we're waiting for the surgery. With any luck, time will fly by and we'll be at home, resting from the surgery and all will be well.

Anything for a little more Sunshine in our lives.

Post 62...Christmas Past, Present, and Future

Oh thank God Christmas is over! Don't get me wrong; the holiday itself was really quite nice. It was all the fuss that led up to it (decorating, shopping, coordinating family plans...) that drove me nuts. The days and weeks that lead up to Christmas seem to be little more than one excuse after another to spend, spend, spend. A time for people to make demands and stress over how much food to buy for however many guests that are coming; calculating at what precise moment the roast needs to be in the oven in order to be ready when the potatoes are ready to be served. Is there enough eggnog? Do I have enough tape to wrap presents? Did I get everyone an equal amount of stocking stuffers? What should I wear to the church service?...No matter how much I try to just sit back and watch the madness, I can't help but feel the ever growing tension in everyone around me, both family and strangers alike, as the holiday creeps near.

Once we made it to the holiday, thankfully everything seemed to slow down. It was as if all the coffee-infused Hallmark headaches suddenly dissipated when a month's worth of work had finally come to fruition. We spent Christmas Eve at my parent's place. It's always so refreshing how casual it is at my parent's home during the holiday. Christmas Eve with them is nothing more than a delicious family dinner and an exchange of gifts. In fact, this year was even better than it has been in several years considering that it was the first Christmas without my ex-sister-in-law. Without her there to complain, fight, or cry over something, it felt so much more like the casual happy holidays we would have when I was a kid.

This year, my father also started a new tradition. Since his father passed away this year, he inherited my Grandpa's Santa Clause suit. Each year, my Grandpa used to dress up as Santa Clause for the church and all the neighborhood children. Well this year, my father carried on the tradition. On Christmas Eve night, after dinner, my dad dressed up in the Santa suit and delivered gifts to the children in the neighborhood. His last stop was our house to visit my nephew Isaiah. When my father came in, his eyes and nose barely visible under all the whiskers and red velvet, I nearly lost my breath. He looked so much like my Grandpa. His eyes, his nose, the padded frame (although my father was padded with pillows)...He came up to me and wished me and Sunshine a merry Christmas.

Later that night on our way home, I burst into tears. "What's wrong?" My husband asked.
"When I hugged my felt like I was hugging my Grandpa." I cried.

As we continued to talk, we got on the subject of Joey. It was hard to watch my nephew play with his new toys, thinking...our son should've been here. My husband confessed, as tears streaked his face; "when I looked down the hall at the light in your old room, the room your parents have now converted to be Isaiah's second bedroom, I couldn't help but feel like my son should've been in there. What if he had his own room there?...What if he was just down that hallway?..." We both cried, quietly in the car. Although the holiday had been great, the absence of our loved ones passed seemed greater.

On Christmas day, my husband and I celebrated the holiday with his brother and our new sister-in-law-to-be. It was wonderfully casual and relaxing. We opened gifts, drank peppermint hot chocolate, and sat talking and laughing for hours.

All in all, the holiday was quite beautiful. The madness that lead up to it nearly pushed me to my limit. But as I sat there on Christmas morning, my hand resting on my pregnant belly, looking up at the dancing flame of Joey's candle we had lit earlier that morning, and remembering the hug I had shared with my father and grandpa just the night before, I couldn't help but feel the true spirit of the holiday.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Post 61...Fast Forward a Week

We went in today for our ultrasound at Eastside Medical. The doctor said, at this point, my cervix looks great. We'll be going back in two weeks to have a combine screening done to check for any chromosomal abnormalities and to start the paperwork for having the cerclage done. The doctor said we will be having the cerclage put in at 14 weeks since that will insure less risk to the baby, plus it will be put in early enough before things become too dangerous for surgery. At 14 weeks they'll have more cervix to work with before it starts to thin out from the baby growing bigger. The only down side is my husband won't be able to be in the room when they give me the cerclage, but the doctor said it's a quick procedure and should only take about 20 minutes to put in. It's hard to think that it's only a few weeks away! But I feel confident this will help us carry to term. Of course there are risks, but without it....well, there is no chance at all. So at least with this, our chances are better either way.

The surprising part was, we went in expecting the baby to be about 9weeks and 3days along. But after measuring out the baby, they said Sunshine is actually about 10weeks and 3days along! That's a whole week further along than we thought! So the cerclage that we have planned in our future just got a lot closer! It was amazing to see how much bigger Sunshine has gotten! He/she's already looking more human like. It's fun to think we'll get to see him/her again in another couple weeks! I wonder how much different he/she will look at that point.

By the way, my husband said he has a gut feeling that it will be another boy. I have to say....I feel the same!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Post 60...Pickle

Yesterday we decorated our Christmas tree. This year we added a new ornament; a little glass pickle. In memory of Joey, we wanted to add the little pickle to our tree to remind us that Joey is still here in spirit with us. My husband hung up the ornament and smiled. I turned to get more decorations but when I turned back, I found my husband standing by the tree with tears streaming down his face. Next to the pickle ornament he had hung up an ornament he made last year: a little round of wood that had the word "family" wood-burned into it. "I thought they should go next to each other." he cried. I hugged him tight and for a few minutes, we stood in front of our tree crying.

"I still miss him." I said.
"Me too." my husband whispered.

We both turned to look at the tree. It was beautiful. I could feel my husband's arms slip around me from behind as he placed his hands on my tummy. Our first family Christmas.

Post 59...Borrowing Troubles

My mother always told me not to borrow troubles from tomorrow, but today I'm going to entertain the freak-out...

We just found out today that my brother-in-law is now engaged. Of course we are very excited for them however, there is talk that they might be getting married in August. Why is this a problem? Well, I know that my husband will of course be in the wedding (it's his brother after all), so not only will we have to find a way to fund a bachelor party for this brother but a tux for my husband and travel expenses as well since they're talking about getting married out of state. And of course the big kicker: Sunshine is due mid July! So basically we'll have to travel with a one month old, exhausted, and with little money. Originally my husband and I agreed that we didn't want to have to take our baby to any big crowded event shortly after he/she is born primarily for health reasons. Nothing spreads illness faster than big crowds of people. Also, I do not like the idea of the baby being passed around from one person to the next. But if we're at a big family event with our newborn baby?!....There will be no avoiding people hovering around us, trying desperately to pry the baby from our hands. I especially thoroughly anticipate my mother-in-law trying to hold the baby the entire time, wandering around to show off her new grandchild. But after the loss of one child, I know that I am going to be extremely protective and selfish for time with my baby.

I'm not sure how everything will play out, but for now I am cautious of it. Of course the wedding itself will be beautiful I'm sure. And despite the fact that I will spend the majority of the time trying to make sure the baby is quiet while fighting off clinging relatives, I'm sure it will all work out okay. I just hope that my husband wont be too busy being the Best Man to help Sunshine and I hold our ground. I get this crazy image of me holding the baby close as I karate kick zombie-like crowds of family back, swarming us with their out-stretched hands.

One thing is for sure...this will be an interesting summer.

Baby vs Zombies, the new action-strategy game coming in the summer of 2011 to a store near you!

Post 58...What Midnight Brings

They helped me into the wheelchair, the affects of the epidural had made my left leg go soft under pressure. I sat there for a moment as I watched my husband gather up our things from around the room as the nurse stood beside me holding the small bundle of blankets that wrapped around my son. In my lap I clutched hard onto the small blue box the nurse had given me. Inside the box were pictures of him, some medical bracelets, a small blanket, and some cards. As they wheeled me through the halls, I watched through glazed eyes as we passed room after room of crying babies and smiling families. There they sat holding their babies and I held on to my box. I looked down ashamed. I was unable to carry to term like these mothers. I had failed my job as a carrier, as a protector, as a mother. For the next few hours my husband held me close as we lay together on the hospital bed in the recovery room, crying each time we heard the cries and coos of the newborns in the neighboring rooms.

I've always hated the nights where I cannot sleep. It's in the quiet hours of midnight when I can't seem to escape the memories. It has been a long time since I have thought so vividly of that day when we lost Joey, but now that we are pregnant again, I find the images seeping in when I am left to my own thoughts late at night. Even last night, as I stared out the window at the rain falling softly in the lamp light, I felt a surge of panic. Since the pregnancy has been progressing, of course cervical fluids increase too. But since it was the leaking of my amniotic fluid that told me something was wrong in the last pregnancy, I have been weary of any sort of moisture down there. Last night, I wasn't feeling anything even remotely like the leaking of the amniotic fluid which came as more of a gush, but for some reason I was fixated on that thought. I kept getting up to go to the bathroom and check. Of course everything was fine. But as I lay in the darkness of my own thoughts, I finally decided to turn to my husband. Being the ray of hope that he always is, even at 3am, he held me close and let me pour my worries out. And when all was said and done, he reassured me that everything was okay. Last time when we miscarried it was only days before our first appointment with Eastside Medical, where we were going to get the results of the gender. We never did make it to that appointment. Well tomorrow we will finally be going to Eastside Medical for the first time to check on the state of my cervix. I guess somewhere in my mind, I had made the connection and worried myself that we wouldn't make it again.

I'm happy to say that I have had no indication of miscarriage so I think we will finally make our appointment. The cerclage is only weeks away and, although it scares me to no end, I hope it will offer a little more reassurance in late hours of the night.

Post 57...A Heart of Hope

On Friday, we went in for our second check-up. We expected to have another ultrasound to make sure the baby was bigger and that everything was progressing well. What we didn't expect was that, rather than have another ultrasound, the doctor decided to check for the heartbeat instead. If the doctor could pick up a heartbeat outside of the tummy than that would mean the baby had already grown four times it's size from the last visit. It took the doctor no time at all to find the heartbeat. In one breath-taking moment, my husband quietly leaning towards me as the doctor adjusted the volume, we could hear Sunshine's heart beating strong. At a crazy rate of 170 beats (since he/she was still only 9 weeks along), the doctor said everything sounded great. In that brief moment as our baby's heartbeat filled the room, I was washed over with new hope. We ARE pregnant. Our baby is growing inside me. Two hearts are now beating inside me, one growing stronger every day. The realization hit me...for the first time, my fear was overcome by excitement.

Since then, I find myself feeling more hopeful. Thoughts of being further along in the pregnancy, my stomach huge and my husband able to feel the baby kick, have been passing through my mind. I have started to believe more firmly in the pregnancy going full term, thinking about when we will give birth in the summer.

Of course, this new found love and attachment to the pregnancy leaves me more vulnerable than ever. But I would be a fool if I thought that I could ever close my heart completely from the pain I would feel if this pregnancy didn't last. All I can do is love and care for this baby to the best of my ability for as long as I am able to have him/her in my life, praying each day that we will have him/her for a lifetime.

For now, as Sunshine continues to grow, so does my hope.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Post 56...The Observer

Nausea, nausea, and more nausea! I do not remember having this much nausea when I was pregnant with Joey! And unlike the last pregnancy when my morning sickness actually struck me in the morning, my stomach has been twisting up late in the evening, making dinner time a daily battle. Of course, let us not forget my boobs that randomly decided to throb from time to time as if to say; "by the way, we're still growing. Good luck trying to fit into your favorite shirts!" And my stomach that loves to puff up like a Macy's parade balloon when I go to put on my jeans, but then deflates just in time for me to look my pajamas when no one is going to see me.

Honestly I'm making it sound more dramatic than it really is, however, the nausea has been one of the biggest challenges. I never realized how many freak'n chicken nugget commercials there are until now when I can't stomach chicken at all! Whenever a chicken commercial comes on, my husband either changes the channel, or he casually slides his hand over my eyes until it is over. On the flip side, I have been craving anything with a tart vinegar taste! Salt and vinegar chips, mustard on EVERYTHING, sauerkraut, pickles...I told my husband last night that nothing sounded better than a hot dog with mass sauerkraut and extra mustard on it with a side of salt and vinegar chips. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Even though everything tastes kinda wonky right now, it's fun having pregnancy cravings. Because once I get my hands on whatever it is I'm craving, at that moment it becomes the best meal I have ever had in my life! Forget the five star restaurant; give me a mound of sauerkraut!

My mother-in-law seems convinced that the differences between this pregnancy and the last means that we're having a girl this time. I told her it could just be a brother with different tastes, but she said she is set on it being a girl. Right now I have no clue if it's a boy or girl. I haven't really given it much thought. From time to time I recognize that I'm a bit guarded with this pregnancy. I haven't allowed myself to think much about the due date or what it will be like when the baby is here. Last time I was so excited, spending each day day-dreaming of the future, wondering who the baby was and what he would be like. But I just take it one day at a time. I look forward to the next appointment, and I'm curious about how the cerclage will go in January. I see it coming, the surgery, but with little emotion. I see it as an observer; curious if it'll help, hoping it can help keep the baby in full term, wondering how long I'll have with this baby. Of course I want this pregnancy to be the real deal, to be full term, for it to be a child we can raise and watch grow. So I guess, it's not so much that I don't feel any emotion about it, I'm just hesitant still to believe any of it is long term until I see results. I have great hope and confidence that everything will go well with this pregnancy, but last time I had the biggest shock of my life. Some things, you just can't see coming.

We decorated for Christmas this week and a part of me wanted to put up a little stocking for Joey. In some ways, I would love to make the gesture, but in others, I know that I really do have to let go. It would be all too easy to hoard things in his name. I of course will wear his necklace on Christmas and perhaps even light his candle, but as far as stockings go, I think I'll save that for his brothers and sisters. It's bitter sweet knowing that we've got Sunshine with us this Christmas, but if things had gone differently, it would have been Joey here with us. At this point in my life, I can't answer the question: would you change things if you could? Of course, if it were possible, I would love to have Joey here, nearly two months old at this point, with us for his first Christmas. But...if Joey was here, Sunshine wouldn't be. There is no way I would ever do anything to give up Sunshine. He/she may be a mystery to me right now, just a little blip on an ultrasound picture, but he/she is my child none the less! I need Sunshine to be here with us. It's so odd knowing that neither child could exist at the same time. The chain of events that I once wished desperately to change have led me to knew beginnings. Though my son cannot exist at the same time as this new baby in our family, Sunshine could not exist without the loss of Joey. Of course I will never be happy about losing Joey, but I will always be grateful that it brought us Sunshine. Who knows what the next Christmas will bring. But for this Christmas, only two stockings will hang by the fire: mine and my husband's.

Though they cannot exist together,
One cannot be without the other,
One remains here while the other beyond,
Their existence creates an unbreakable bond.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Post 55...Thankful for Saltines


It was actually a really pleasant holiday as far as family and food was concerned. The only problem was, I had horrible morning sickness all day long! Nothing is worse than being surrounded by food when your feeling absolutely sick to your stomach. As I sat in the corner, munching on crackers and sipping crystal light (like the last pregnancy, I cannot stomach plain water!), I tried to force a smile on my face as people came around taking family pictures. I'm pretty sure that in most of the pictures I looked slightly crossed eyed, my skin tinged with a sickly green color.

For the past week I have been horribly sick all day long. I have yet to really throw up, but I have been nauseous 24/7. If I don't eat, I feel worse, but of course, when feeling nauseous, nothing sounds appetizing. So I've tried to keep munching all day, but sometimes it doesn't seem to help at all. The only thing that really seems to help is saltine crackers and ginger ale. Food just doesn't taste the same either. It's almost exactly like the last pregnancy. Everything almost tastes too sweet, spicy and tart foods taste best to me, and for the past couple days I've been craving ham again like I did with Joey. This time, however, rather than being really disgusted by sea food, I've been grossed out by chicken. The thought of it makes my stomach turn!

I cannot wait for the morning sickness to be over. I am hoping and praying it's like the last pregnancy where the morning sickness went away with the coming of the second trimester. But for now, I'm keeping the saltines at my side. At least I know this is a good sign that Sunshine is still in there growing strong. As my husband tells me: every surge of queasiness is just Sunshine saying "hi."

Post 54...The first ultrasound

As the snow began to pile up on Monday, the Obgyn office called to see if we could push up our appointment time. Since the roads were only going to get worse, they wanted to fit in as many people as they could so they could close the office early. As soon as they asked if we could come in as soon as possible, within minutes we were out the door. Of course we would take the opportunity to see our baby earlier, and avoid any worse driving conditions.

The office was rather busy as the nurses tried to sort through double and triple booked appointments from all of the rescheduling. Every minute in the waiting room felt like an hour as I sat there anxiously waiting to see our baby for the first time, while constant nausea kept the clock moving even slower. But even with the waiting room crowded with popping bellies, they got us in rather quick.

Before I knew it, we were looking at our baby, a little pea sized  blip on the monitor with a fluttering heart beat. The pregnancy wasn't as far along as I had originally thought. We were only a little over 6 weeks when I thought we were closer to 7, but considering I had been having long cycles, it made sense after redoing the math. The doctor said that everything looked great and that she had every confidence this pregnancy would go well. Just to make sure everything is progressing well, we scheduled a follow up ultrasound for Dec. 10th (about two weeks out) for a check up. But otherwise things seemed to be going great. The doctor also gave me the okay to go on walks and be a little more active, which I'm excited about. And she gave us the green light to be intimate for a few more weeks, which I am really excited about! For the most part, I can go about my normal days until I get closer to the second trimester.

It was a relief to see Sunshine was in fact in there with what looked like a strong heartbeat. I can't wait to see him/her in a couple more weeks when they'll be bigger and wiggling around! From what the doctor said, we'll be getting the cerclage around the 15th of January, which will come quick I'm sure. And the baby is estimated to be due around July 15th. At the moment it's hard for me to really focus or even believe in the due date. Not that I'm doubting the pregnancy will stick for full term, it's just...right now I need to get past the cerclage and the 20 week marker before I can really feel excited and sure about the due date. But I am excited that for now, things seem to be going great!

Sunshine's first picture!...Funny how something so tiny can change my entire world.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Post 53...Baby it's cold outside

Today is the day! It is the day of our first Obgyn appointment and, much to our surprise, it is also the first snow of the season. All morning long, and even now, I have been watching the snow transform everything outside into soft white mounds. The news is predicting that we'll have a few inches of snow by the end of the day, and that the wind is suppose to kick up, making the roads more messy as the day goes on. As excited as I am for the unexpected snowfall, I'm hoping it doesn't make us late for our appointment today. The appointment isn't until 3:30 and by then the weather might be worse. Honestly, it's not a lot of snow and the roads, for the most part, are pretty clear. But it's the other drivers I'm worried about. Here in the Seattle area, people lose their minds when we get the slightest dusting of snow! Without even so much as three inches of snow and schools are closed all over the place, and even the buses in down town have their chains on! Chains!...In not even an inch of snow! It's ridiculous! But consequently, it has made a mess of traffic, so I am worried about fighting our way to the appointment later. With any luck, we can get there with little stress.

Aside from all that, I'm elated to see Sunshine for the first time! It will be such a relief to know he/she is healthy and safe. I'm also curious to see how far along I am. I think I'm a little over 7 weeks but I'm not 100%. It's hard to know when implantation actually happened. We will also get our expected due date today too which will be fun to know. And, I believe we'll also get an idea as to when I'll be getting the cerclage. So it's a big day today! It feels like the true start of this pregnancy. Now is when things will really start to ramp up with appointments, baby growth, and more. The nice part is, I'll now have more regular Obgyn check ups, so we can check in on Sunshine more often and be reassured that he/she is doing well.

Here's hoping everything goes well with our appointment today. I'll post more later.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Post 52...It's not easy being queasy

So....queasy...all day long! Right now crackers seem to be the only thing that are settling my stomach for the moment. Yay for Ritz crackers! I thought I was avoiding morning sickness, but after two days of this, even worse today than yesterday, I'm beginning to think it was too good to be true.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Post 51...Doing Nothing for Everything

I never knew how hard it would be to do nothing! Back when I was working, the idea of staying home all day sounded like heaven! It seemed like it would be a dream to spend each day wrapped in blankets, resting next to the fire, chatting with my husband over instant messenger while he's at work, as I sit reading, knitting, or watching movies all day long. And although it is very relaxing, it comes with its limitations. It has been such a challenge not being able to go for long walks during the day, or even pick up a gallon of milk because it's too heavy for me to lift right now. I can't even dance around the house as I get dressed in the morning while blaring my music. But as much as it can be a pain, it doesn't even come close to the pain of losing a child. So going against everything I've ever been taught about being active to stay healthy, I will gladly keep my butt rooted to the couch if it means it ensures the safety of my baby.

One thing that I think will really help me through all this will be getting a better couch. The couch we currently have is this rickety old thing that use to belong to my parents. The springs are so shot and the padding is worn thin. When I sit down on it, I can hear the groan and crunch of the wire springs as my back settles into the hard wooden frame of the couch making it near impossible to get comfortable. After spending only a couple weeks on this damn couch, my back is already in so much discomfort! I swear it feels like my back is locking in the middle and is bruised on the sides. I've tried sitting in the big bean bag chair we have, but because it's so soft, my back just rounds in it, causing more pain in my lower back without the proper support. And we've tried stacking pillows on the couch to simulate the missing padding. It helps a little, but after a day of sitting, my body aches from head to hips. So far, the only comfortable position I have been able to find has been laying on the floor with my pregnancy body pillow, but even after a few hours of that, my hips start to ache from pressing into the hard floor.

A few days ago, my husband came home to see me crying like a baby over my discomfort as I laid on the floor. I wanted so badly to just go for a long walk and stretch out any aches and pains. I never knew it would be so hard to just sit around all day. How do so many people do it? Anyway, as I laid there, blubbering away in a hormonal fuss over my aching back, my husband gently wiped away my tears, propped me up with more pillows, and cradled me from behind. It was the most comfortable I had felt in days. The in-laws have promised to give us their old leather couch and reclining chair once they get their new one. But for now, I lay on the floor counting the days until that happens.

My husband has been immensely helpful through all this. Each day, he talks to me all day long on instant messenger while he's at work (when he's available of course). Then, when he gets home, he takes care of all the dishes, the laundry, taking out the trash, refilling the firewood bin, everything! And after all that, he makes us dinner! He even does the grocery shopping on his way home if we need anything. It's so amazing that he does all this and more with a smile on his face and without a single complaint. And when he's done with everything, he cuddles up next to me, rubs my tummy, kisses me, and says that it's all worth it. My love and appreciation for him is now overflowing! I couldn't do this without him, and I consider myself so lucky to be with such a wonderful man. No greater husband exists.

...and boy does that make it harder to be abstinent right now!....

So far my symptoms have been fairly mild. I have hardly had any nausea compared to the last pregnancy but it still is fairly early on. It comes and goes, but since I keep snacking throughout the day, I think it has helped keep the nausea at a minimum (although I'm feeling it more today so maybe it's just a matter of time before it really kicks in). My breasts have been sore from time to time but that has settled down for now. I keep getting dizzy spells when I stand, and I have been falling asleep earlier and earlier these days too. I have had some mild cramping from time to time, more of that pulling feeling. But it's hard to say if that's from things stretching out down there or from pent up energy if you catch my drift. Also, my tummy has already popped a little under my belly button. I've heard before that in your second pregnancy women "pop" sooner, but since this is my second first pregnancy, I wasn't sure if it would apply. But I guess it does.

For now, I continue to learn how to handle life on my booty, figuring out how to stay healthy and in shape, how to keep myself entertained, and how to stay positive. I'm eating walnuts each day to get adequate amounts of protein and omega-3 fatty acids that help stimulate brain and heart health for me and the baby. I'm still taking my prenatal so I can continue to get a healthy amount of folic acid in my diet (among many other essential nutrients) which has been linked to decreasing chances of any neural tube defects in the baby as well as the chance of miscarriage. And of course, I haven't had a drop of caffeine or alcohol! I am trying to do everything I can to ensure Sunshine is sticking around full term, even if the best thing I can do for him/her right now is to do nothing.

Six more days until we see Sunshine for the first time! Hang in there little one. You're doing great!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Post 50...Who are you?

In the last pregnancy, we were so excited. We took every chance to connect and feel close to Joey in any way we could. Of course, similarly to this time, it took me a few months to even feel pregnant, but once the symptoms really started rolling in, it was easier to feel that bond. Now, halfway through the second month, I am starting to feel the pregnancy more, and the reality is beginning to sink in. But last night, I was caught off guard by sudden sadness. Joey was the only one I ever carried, so as I feel the pregnancy progress, it feels in some ways like it should be him side me. I don't want at all to sound like I would rather have Joey in me than Sunshine! I love Sunshine so much already and will do everything to keep him/her safe inside me! It's just, since Joey's pregnancy was cut short, it sometimes feels like he should've been given another chance. After we lost him, some people said that he was just previewing us, like he was visiting us and would be back soon. And as nice as that thought is, getting my son back, I can't say that I really believe it. I see this pregnancy, this baby, as someone completely new. As for Joey, he's having a blast running around in heaven right now, playing with his great grandpa, and looking down at us anxiously waiting to see if he gets a brother or a sister. I cried for a good long time last night, caught up in a mix of feelings, missing Joey and excited about Sunshine.

Today, I made the mistake of getting on the scale. Already I have gained a couple pounds! I know it's partly because I was dressed (TMI but I usually weigh myself in my birthday suit right before my shower) and also because I'm bloated. But still, it sent me on a temporary spiral. It's so ridiculous! After losing Joey, I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up in such superficial problems. My weight may be more of a struggle this time around since I have to spend the majority of this pregnancy on my butt, but gaining a few more pounds is of little concern compared to the safety of our baby! I shouldn't worry so much about it! I can't help but wonder if extra weight will just add more pressure to my cervix, but honestly, it's not like I'm putting on a mass amount! Anyway, in my attempts to feel productive, I took a large soup can (at best only 2lbs since I'm not allowed to lift more than 5) and did some arm lifts while I was sitting. I figured, less weight, more reps, anything to keep my arms strong so I can hold my baby when he/she comes. I also did some head rolls, shoulder rolls, and toe points. I can't really do leg lifts since that contracts my low core, so I stuck to just flexing my feet to stimulate circulation in my legs. My plan is to do this regularly to at least keep me as strong as I can be while basically being on modified bed rest for now. I kept it really light and only did enough to feel a little burn in my arms. I'm playing it safe!

One funny thing that happened today: I double sneezed!....Confused yet? In the last pregnancy, for the first time ever, I started to double sneeze. Not just two sneezes in a row. No. This is two rapid fire sneezes without even a breath in between! Anyway, it happened all throughout the pregnancy, but after giving birth, it went away. Well today, for the first time since Joey, I double sneezed! It is the funniest thing! I never new sneezes could be a pregnancy thing! Go figure!

So there you have it, nothing but Sunshine and double sneezes all the way across the sky. ;-)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Post 49...Belly Bump

I'm not that far along but already I'm getting a little belly bump right bellow my belly button. It feels very tight and I still have that pulling feeling. My breasts are still extremely sore and I'm breaking out badly, but it's nice to have a reminder that Sunshine is still growing in there.

Today I was surprised when I cried after seeing a Pampers commercial. It showed all these clips of sleeping babies while playing the song Silent Night. I full on cried! Yay for pregnancy hormones. Oi!

Also today I read Sunshine one of the children's books we have. I thought it might be kinda fun to start reading or singing to Sunshine every day. I know he/she hasn't even developed any hearing yet but maybe he/she will at least sense that I'm sharing something with them. Maybe when my husband gets home from work, I have him read the story to Sunshine too, just to share the bond.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update. I'm counting down the days until the doctor appointment! I can't wait to see Sunshine for the first time!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Post 48...Positively Positive

Call me crazy but I took another pregnancy test just to make sure Sunshine is still in there growing away and, of course, it turned positive in a matter of seconds. Oh I'm so ridiculous! I rubbed my tummy and told Sunshine, "I'm sorry but you have a paranoid mom!" But he/she has a big brother guardian angel looking out for them so I should trust that he/she is doing just fine.

As silly as it was to take another test, it is nice to have that reassurance. Hi Sunshine!!!

Post 47...Through the Grapevine

Well, we were planning on holding off until we had the sonogram before telling our friends about the pregnancy. But yesterday I got a text from a friend saying: "your husband's mom can't keep secrets. She just told me you have a bun in the oven!" At that point, we knew there was no stopping it. So we went online and announced to everyone that the rumors were true, we are pregnant. The amount of love and support from everyone has been overwhelming! Everyone seems to be so happy for us. But I have to admit, having it out there already makes me a little nervous. Of course, my thoughts keep going back to the worry of miscarrying, so now with everyone knowing about the pregnancy, there is more pressure to make sure everything goes well. I know the odds of miscarriage are really low for us, but it can still happen. It's especially hard right now because I'm at that point where I don't feel pregnant. I've had some occasional mild cramping (more of that pulling feeling), and my breasts are still tender from time to time, but that's about it. No nausea, no headaches...nothing! But on the flip side, I have shown no signs of miscarriage either (extreme cramping and bleeding) so I don't know why I worry about that more when everything is saying I'm pregnant. I guess I won't feel sure until I see Sunshine on the monitor, wiggling around like Joey was, seeing the little heart fluttering with life.

For now, I've been taking it really easy. Since the doctor told me to basically sit back and rest so I don't put any other additional stress on my cervix, I've been spending the past couple days sitting in our giant bean bag chair reading books, watching movies, and doing crafts. It's been really hard seeing the sun shining and not being able to go walk in it. And now that I can't lift anything more than 5 lbs (doctor's orders), I'm suddenly realizing how much that limits my daily activity. In just two days time, I have already felt so much guilt putting all the work on my husband. Originally when I thought I would have a few more months before I would have to take it easy, I thought I could ease both of us into our new daily routines. But now, after dropping it on him, I feel terrible that he gets all the grunt work. He has tried to remind me that I'm doing an important job too by growing our baby, but at the moment when I haven't been really feeling pregnant, it just seems like I'm being extremely lazy! It's like I have to treat myself as if I'm sick when I feel perfectly healthy!

To ease my worries and to help me feel more connected, like I'm actually pregnant, my husband suggested I talk to Sunshine during the day. I've been hesitant to let myself get really excited about the pregnancy. It all feels so temporary or like I'm just playing pretend. I've been here before, in the early stages of pregnancy, and things stopped short. So really believing in things progressing further and carrying full term is hard for me. Right now, I worry about the baby making it to the second trimester and from there, my mind is fixed on getting the cerclage. But after's a whole new world for me.

Yesterday I took my husband's advice and tried talking and singing to Sunshine. It did help it to feel more real but that also bumped up the worry of losing him/her. My husband reminded me that, to truly open my heart up to loving this baby, I have to open my heart completely even if that means I am vulnerable to more heartache. He is such a wise man! I want and need this baby to be okay. I need him/her to stick around for the long haul. And I am absolutely terrified of going through another loss. But...I have to love Sunshine completely....I have to try my best to open my heart and trust that things will go better this time.

Twelve more days until I can see little Sunshine. Just twelve more days....Please still be in there little one!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Post 46...Our First Appointment

This morning, I made our first Obgyn appointment! It will be on the 22nd, just two weeks away! I was shocked they could get us in already. Last time I had to wait a full month to be around 8 weeks, but I guess I will already be close to 7 weeks by the 22nd. I did have a panic moment when scheduling it though. Because we don't have insurance, we have to put down a $2000 deposit!! But once they get proof of our insurance in January, we'll get a refund of our deposit (or what's left of it at that point) so it's not terrible. I also panicked because the Obgyn billing office notified me that the insurance I would be on will be turning into Regence in January, so she questioned whether or not they would deny me coverage because of pregnancy being a pre-existing condition. Immediately I called my parents to verify with them (since it's my mom's medical plan I'll be on) and they reassured me that they had already looked into it from the beginning, aware of the company change, and said that Regence told them I would be covered pregnancy and all. Since her medical plan isn't being replaced by Regnence, Regence is just becoming the "distributor" so to speak, the rules on pre-existing conditions will remain the same for the original medical coverage. So I should be in the clear.

So now, after settling down from my mild heart-attack over insurance once again, I am excited to think I could be seeing my baby for the first time in just two weeks! I'm not sure if this appointment will just be blood work or if we'll actually get the sonogram, but I am excited either way. I'm also happy it's right before Thanksgiving! If we do get the sonogram then, it will be fun to show off on the holiday. This year I have something to really be grateful for!

The only down side to it all; the doctor said no heavy lifting, no exercising, and worst of all no sex! I knew that would be the case after my cerclage but I didn't know I would have to start now!!! I was already trying to take it easy by not doing any heavy lifting but, not making love to my husband?...That's going to be the hardest thing to give up. I thought I had at least 2 months left to be intimate with him. My husband has told me that me and Sunshine are his world right now. And that if giving up sex will ensure we get to hear Sunshine's heart beat, to feel his/her kicks, to carry him/her full term; it will be more intimate to give birth to the "fruit of our fun," as my husband put it. I'm sure it will be a challenge at times, but we have to do everything we can to protect Sunshine. As for us as a couple, we will find a way to be close, I'm sure. We'll just have to get creative. And I'll leave it at that.

So here we parents from the start! With those two little lines our whole world is changing all for a little Sunshine.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Post 45...Test-aholic

Okay so in all my paranoia about our test yesterday looking so faded, I decided to take another one today. I didn't even use the morning pee but I hadn't gone in a few hours so I figured it was enough time to build up the hormones in the urine sample.

If I doubted it before, there are no doubts now! Within 30 seconds it was already showing two dark lines! I am pregnant for sure! After seeing how clear the test is, it makes it feel more real! I'M PREGNAAAANT!!!! =) It is such a relief to see that the hormones are getting stronger with each day! That means Sunshine is in there growing strong! I couldn't be more happy!

Post 44...Are We Really Pregnant?

After seeing the confusing test on Thursday that had apparently turned positive, I walked down to the store and bought another box of pregnancy tests. We decided to wait until Saturday morning before testing again to allow my body a little more time to build up more hcg hormones to detect if I was in fact pregnant. The wait of course was near impossible, but once again we were back to stage one, waiting to see if perhaps we were pregnant. The odds of getting a false positive are really slim, but then again we've beaten the odds before, and not exactly the favorable odds either.

Once again we had a night of little sleep as we waited for the morning test. At 6am we got up and tested once again. It took a little while to show up but sure enough, there it was, a second line. It was faint like before but undeniable. It was a positive test! The odds of two false positives while having no period and pregnancy symptoms was just impossible! We're pregnant!

Since we were already planning on visiting our parents that day, we decided to share the good news and announce to them. For my parents, since we've been working on putting together a cookbook, I wrote up a mock recipe about the "bun in the oven". And for my in-laws, we ding-dong-ditched a little plushie duck holding one pink and one blue balloon on the doorstep as we hid around the corner of the house. It was fun to announce to them but at the same time, I almost felt reluctant to. I know after two positive tests and all the symptoms, I should feel so sure about being pregnant, but at the moment it's so hard to believe. I keep worrying about having a "normal" miscarriage in the first trimester. We have a game plan for the second trimester so I'm  not too worried about that yet. But right now, all I can do is wait more and pray to God that Sunshine can hang in there for the long haul.

It was only yesterday that we confirmed it with another test, but still it's sinking in. I have moments where it feels very real, but other moments where I feel terrified of the pregnancy not sticking. For now I'm taking it very easy and just trying to be as healthy and as relaxed as I can be about it all. I'm extremely excited but extremely nervous at the same time. So much emotion, so much worry, so much unknown.

So far we haven't told any other relatives or any friends (except for one other couple) about the pregnancy. I guess we just want to wait until we have our first sonogram just to make sure things are progressing well. I don't want to seem like I'm not taking the pregnancy as real. I just need to know it's sticking around before everyone is celebrating. I don't want to let them down again, though I know it really wouldn't be my fault. But seeing their disappointment and heartache on top of my own is almost unbearable. Anyway, so for all who might read this, please don't go shouting from the rooftops just yet. When it seems more sure, we'll go from there. We plan on testing again next Wednesday just to see if the test reads out any stronger and if it is staying positive.

Please keep growing little one. Be strong and hang in there. We're going to do all we can to keep you safe. Welcome Sunshine!

Post 43...WTF???


Okay now I am more confused then ever!!! I just went to the bathroom, and like every time I've had a negative pregnancy test, I dug it out of the trash just to confirm that the negative is still there. Here's where it gets confusing. As I pulled it out I noticed (and God help me 'cause I feel like I'm losing my mind!) there is the slightest faded second line!

....A second line.....

Am I seeing things? Did my pee just soak the test so much that it caused the dye in the test to bleed a little? I have taken dozens of HPTs and never, NEVER have I had one get a faint second line. Not hours after, not even a day later! They always stay negative. So the question is....what in the hell is going on here?......

Why do I do this to myself? (T_T) I guess it's off to the store for more tests. We'll give it a few more days and see what the deal is.

My God our pregnancies never come easy do they?....But it is nice to have a little hope again...even if I kinda love-hate it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Post 42...I Don't Understand

I could hardly sleep last night, waiting anxiously to take the test first thing in the morning. Every hour of the night, through our tossing and turning, my husband and I kept checking in with each other, excitedly talking about what the result would be. At one point I drifted off and had an odd dream about breast feeding kittens, and my husband nodded off and dreamt that the Obgyn was at our house telling us to take a pregnancy test in spite of us knowing (in the dream) that we were already pregnant. After having those dreams, we both woke up feeling so sure we were going to see a positive test at last!

After waiting nervously together, my husband sitting on the edge of the tub, both of us giggling excitedly as we waited for the results, we picked up the test to see a single sad line glaring at us. It took a moment for our smiles to fade into sad disillusionment. But as I watched the lines in my husband's face run deep, the familiar pain of disappointment settled into my chest. We're not pregnant. But how can it be? We tried every other day for the entire month! I was showing signs, or so I thought. My husband sat there, counting out loud, trying to figure out if we did the math wrong and tested too early. But there was no denying it; I should have started my period sometime this week, so if the test says negative than it's negative for sure.

I hate my body right now. My husband says it's not my fault, but I don't believe it. Sure I can't control whether the sperm meets the egg, but it's my body that can determine if it's a good environment for the sperm and egg to combine. It's MY stress levels that affect it all, it's MY uterus that either has enough of a lining built up or not, it's MY body that keeps giving off false signs and false hope, it was MY cervix that had to ruin everything last time!!! So how is it not my fault?! Even though I have no control over the actual conception of the embryo, it still comes down to the fact that my body keeps giving off signs of pregnancy and letting us down every month! And I HATE that! I can't keep taking this! Am I supposed to just ignore anything I feel and excuse it away on just being menstruation symptoms? Before the miscarriage, the symptoms between pregnancy and menstruation were a lot more separate. I did not get sore breasts when I was PMSing, no headaches and I did not get so tired or queasy, so why now? Why the change?

I have lost so much hope. How can I keep saying "next time we'll get it" when I'm really finding it hard to believe? I was so sure this month! Now I don't expect it to happen. I don't trust my instincts anymore and that is a sad thing. How can it be this hard to get pregnant? It's not fair! So many stupid people out there that don't want children, who don't care for their children, and yet they so easily get pregnant! Why can't we? We're good people! We've done so much to ready ourselves for this! Am I being punished for some reason? Or is it really just a bland explanation of nature running its course?

I hate seeing all the status updates on Facebook. Everyone posting pictures of their babies, showing off their pregnant bellies, talking about the baby kicking, their child's first steps, and how excited they all are. Why do they get to be happy and I don't? I don't want to see it anymore, I don't want to be reminded of what is missing in my life.

So here I sit, waiting for my period to start. Hoping that it at least comes at this point because, if it doesn't than that's a whole different problem we're facing. I want it to come so I can be angry at it, scream at it, cry over it, and let it be done. Once again I wait for the spots of blood that tell me hope is officially gone this time around.

This year has been painted in red.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Post 41...T'was the Night Before Testing

Well, Aunt Flow still hasn't shown up yet. I'm getting nervous, wondering if she's just lurking around the corner, but so far so good. I have had a little bit more cramping on and off, but it's really mild compared to normal. It's been kind of a pulling feeling, although last night I had a fairly strong cramp but only on one side and it quickly passed. My breasts are hurting more and more, but still I have to wait. Tomorrow morning will reveal all.

I'm scared....

God please let it be positive!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Post 40...I Hate the Wait!

I am driving myself nuts this morning, analyzing every little change in my body, desperately trying to tell if I'm pregnant or if my period is going to start! So far I'm about 4 days late for a 28 day cycle, but I've been having about a 32-34 day cycle since the miscarriage, so I'm not really "late" yet. If I don't start in the next couple days, we're planning on taking a pregnancy test on Thursday morning and already I've been losing sleep over it. I have been so sure this month that we are pregnant but now that it's coming down to these last few days before either testing or starting my period, I'm second guessing myself right and left!

For the past couple days I've noticed the amount of my cervical mucus has gone down and it feels like my cervix is dropping and hardening, which would point to not being pregnant. But my breasts have still been very achy which could lean towards being pregnant. I've been getting little headaches almost every day (although who's to say that it's not from me stressing myself out over all this), and yesterday when I was up and about I was feeling some more mild cramping and some on and off nausea. I've been bloaty and breaking out but that's nothing new when it comes to this time of the month. I've also been craving big meaty sandwiches (which is what I craved in the last pregnancy) but I can't say it's a clear sign.

So like always, there is not a single thing that loudly declares if I'm pregnant or not. I have to wait and I absolutely hate that with a passion! How am I supposed to easily sit back and wait to see if my body is going to let me down once again or if my whole world is going to lift up with the news of a new baby?!

Why can't my body just give me a clear sign? Why can't it be Thursday already? I keep hoping and praying that things will finally go in our favor when it comes to pregnancy, but all I can do is wait to see if I'll be disappointed again, or if we will finally be welcoming in a new baby into our lives.

The other night dear,
When I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms,
But when I woke dear,
I was mistaken,
And I hung my head and I cried.

You are my Sunshine,
My only Sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are gray,
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't take my Sunshine away.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Post 39...Two positive makes me too positive

I might be setting myself up here for disappointment but honestly, I am seriously thinking I could be pregnant. For starters, there has still been no sign of Aunt Flow showing up. I have had very mild cramping from time to time but it's been hardly noticeable but by breasts have still been awfully achy. They aren't so much sore to the touch but they ache deep down. And maybe I'm just seeing things but I swear they look slightly bigger. Also, TMI warning: my nipples look very dark pink. I had this last time I was pregnant too. I don't know if it's more of a result of the areolas getting darker (it's so hard to see the subtle color difference of my areolas. At times they look like they could  be darker, but at second glance, it's hard not to feel like I'm just seeing things.) but at any rate my nipples look very bright pink/red.

The other TMI thing has been my cervical mucus (I've got to remind myself I wanted to document EVERYTHING that I'm experiencing we go!). Normally at this time of my cycle, like most women, the cervical mucus dries out around the time right before menstruation begins. Well not this time. I have had a lot of creamy white cervical mucus with the texture of lotion. It has been a lot more noticeable these past few days in particular.

I'm still feeling really tired throughout the day. It feels like I can't get enough sleep! I wake up from a full 8-9 hours of sleep and I feel like I could sleep more. My daily walks seem to zap me of whatever energy I have left, and by the evening time, I'm nearly crashing on the couch!

Lastly, the other "symptom" I have been feeling lately is forgetfulness. Little things here and there seem to be escaping my mind. This last week I went to check the mail. We have a key for our mailbox and so I unlocked the box, grabbed the mail, and then went on my merry way. What I didn't realize until hours later after my walk to the store and back was that I left my keys still dangling in our open mailbox the entire time! I didn't even realize it until I went to unlock the apartment door and noticed that my keys weren't in my purse! All week I keep forgetting things here and there. And whether it's a sign of pregnancy (I know that "pregnancy brain" is a real thing. I certainly had it the last time I was pregnant!) or perhaps my brain is just turning into mush since I don't have a job or school anymore to keep it sharp. Either way, it's resulted to me leaving post-it notes all over the place to remind me of all the little things. Although my neighbors might think I'm crazy if I leave a post-it on the mailbox that reads: remember keys!!!

My only other inspiration for hope was last night's dream. Once again I dreamt about pregnancy this month, but this time the message was unmistakable! I dreamt that I had taken two pregnancy tests, each on a different day, and both turned out positive! The first test I took had only a faint positive, but the second test was as bold as ever. I remember rubbing my tummy and talking excitedly with my friends about it in the dream. I kept repeating that I was pregnant, looking at my tummy and saying "there's a little baby growing in there!" When I woke up, the feeling remained. And who knows. With any luck, maybe there is a little baby growing in there.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Post 38...Mommy Withdrawals

There came a time after our loss that I gave my husband fair warning. Without having a child to mother, I new I might turn my mothering instincts towards him, and comes out in subtle ways here and there, but there are a few times where it is undeniable!

We were cuddling on the couch when my husband started to look really sleepy. Hugging him close to my chest, I reached over to my laptop and put on some soft music. While softly stroking his hair and rubbing his back, I watched as his eyes began to droop, a relaxed smile on his face. For nearly 30 minutes I laid there with him, rubbing his back and humming quietly to the music when it dawned on me...this was the same music I used at work to put the kids to sleep...good Lord, I just put my husband down for a nap!

Then this morning I woke up early to help my husband with his Halloween costume. Since Halloween is on Sunday this year, everyone at his work is dressing up today (Friday). So there I was at 6:30am painting my husband's face and helping him get ready for work. Out in the dark parking lot, in my tennis shoes and bathrobe, I helped him out to the car carrying the decorated cupcakes I made for him to take to work. And as I blew him a kiss and waved goodbye as he excitedly drove off to work, it hit me again...painting his face...sending him off with cupcakes to share?....Damn it! Mothering urges strike again!

At least I'm not to the point of licking my finger and using it to wipe away whatever "smudgy" is on his face. Although I have to admit, having someone to spoil and take care of does help fill a void in my heart. But I've better watch myself!

Post 37...Medical Miracle

Good news everyone!
With all the new changes in regards to healthcare, my mom can now cover me with her medical plan until I'm 26 years old. The best part is, her medical plan does not see pregnancy as a pre-existing condition!!! No matter what stage of pregnancy I will be in by the time medical coverage kicks in, I will be covered! We will be signing up for the medical first thing in November and coverage should kick in by January 1st, which means at this point I will have medical by the time I will need my cerclage! It truly is a God send! Now I don't have to worry about finding a medical plan that won't deny me coverage because of my pregnancy (once I am pregnant) and it's hardly going to cost us a thing. Monthly payment for adding me onto my mom's medical plan is about $45 a month! We may have to pay out of pocket for the first few doctor's visits (if we get pregnant this month or the next) but once the new year rolls around, I will have medical coverage! I am beyond excited and relieved!

Our complicated pregnancy just got a lot less complicated!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Post 36...Are these my footprints?

"Pooh says that it might be a Woozle, or it might not, and Piglet joins in with the tracking and walking in circles to see if they can find out for sure. And after a little while Pooh stops walking, and says that it's very funny, but there are now two sets of paw-prints, which means...well, what does that mean?"--Winnie the Pooh.

Somehow I get the feeling I've been here before...

This last Friday was a total time warp. I spent the evening having coffee with a couple friends from high school. It had been so long since the three of us had hung out. It was really quite enjoyable, even though I had some serious feelings of anxiety before we got together. You see, one of my friends is pregnant. I had hung out with her one other time and things went well then too. But for some reason it still made me feel really anxious. I am so happy for her and her healthy pregnancy, but sometimes it's hard to see how far along she is. Hearing my friends encouraging me to get pregnant again seemed weird in a way. I was pregnant first. I should be enjoying my baby right now, not being encouraged to get pregnant again so I could join the club. It's such a weird feeling. But at the same time, it's so nice to see how excited my friend is...I envy her right now.

The subject of the holidays has also resurfaced. My in-laws have announced that they will be going to Oregon for Christmas this year. At first, they had talked about staying up here, hoping we would be pregnant so they would have a good excuse to have the holidays at home. But now, since my husband's grandpa has no one to celebrate with, my in-laws decided to spend the holiday with him. I'm glad that they will be keeping him company. He needs it more that we do. But I have to admit I am a bit bummed too. I was really looking forward to the idea of having the holidays with the family up here again. We talked about the idea of traveling down to Oregon on Christmas Eve night (after spending Christmas Eve with my family like we do every year), but if we're pregnant we've decided to stay here. I know my husband wants to spend the holiday with his family and I want nothing more than to give that to him. But if we are pregnant for Christmas, being out of town during a complicated pregnancy would run the risk of not being near our obgyn when we might need them. Plus the winter is already starting off harsh. There has been reports that it might be a really cold and snowy winter. If we were to be snowed in at his grandparents house, or have an accident when driving late at night on icy roads, I'd never forgive myself for not protecting our baby better. I have to do everything that I can to ensure their safety, even if that means we end up having a quiet holiday just the three of us. And honestly, that wouldn't be so bad.

The last set of familiar footprints came in the form of another UTI. That's right. After another month of "baby dancing" I woke up this morning with that oh too familiar awkward feeling. My husband came home and took me to the clinic and, sure enough, it was another UTI. So I'm back on antibiotics, drinking water and cranberry juice, trying to find ways we can go about this without sending me to the doctors every month. From what I've read and what the doctor recommended was, I should try to go to the bathroom after each session of intercourse (that sounds so formal...intercourse...). I've worried about peeing out my husband's swimmers afterwards but from what I read, it shouldn't be a concern. All this time, after having sex, I've been elevating my hips trying to give his little swimmers a head start. But now we're thinking it might be best not to have me lay back for 20+ minutes since it only seems to be giving birth to UTIs and not a baby. Since most times we have sex at night and I fall asleep afterwards, it's my guess that, at that time, I'm giving bacteria more of a head start than anything else. Yuck!...Not what I had intended! So hopefully, if we have to try again, we can avoid another UTI and end up with a baby instead. I guess it'll just be more water and cranberry juice from here on out.

"Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."--Winne the Pooh

Post 35...What follows new beginnings

October is almost over?...Didn't it just start?!

It has been a new beginning this month. After celebrating Joey's due date, I have felt so free. I guess I never really knew just how much it was all weighing on me, but now is a new start! This month, we've been "baby dancing" every other day in hopes we can hit the mark this time around. And though I've been having "symptoms" that point to pregnancy I have been so hesitant to label them as such. After having false alarms several times now, I've been reluctant to log anything in the blog as possible pregnancy symptoms. But since this blog is all about my journey through trying to conceive and pregnancy, making myself a promise to capture the whole experience, I suppose it's best I write them down.

I guess I just feel that...if I admit that I see these as pregnancy symptoms, I'm going to feel like all the more of an idiot if I'm not pregnant again. I've become the girl who cried pregnancy and there's only so much of that I can take before it just makes this process all the harder. I want to excuse everything I feel on something else, but of course the first thing that pops into my mind is pregnancy. Could it be I'm focusing so hard on looking for symptoms that I'm finding them, fabricating them out of pure hope? Like every other time, there is no way of knowing. Symptoms I've created, ovulating or pms symptoms perhaps; the bottom line is, I won't know until I either get my period or take a pregnancy test.

Anyway, as for the "symptoms," they started about a week ago (a week before my pre-week). At first I was feeling really bloated coupled with some mild lower abdominal cramping. It felt sort of like when I'm close to starting my period but obviously it was too early for that. Then, gradually, my breasts started to get more and more tender. So much so that, some times it was waking me up when I would roll onto my chest, other times my chest was so sore it nearly hurt to breath. Since then the bloating, mild cramping, and breast tenderness has stuck around fading in and out from time to time. But in addition to that, I have had on and off headaches, some nausea, mild lower back aching, a slight sore throat from time to time, an occasional stuffy nose, and my skin has been breaking out. I've been really tired (a few days ago I even fell asleep at 5pm for awhile!), and for the past couple days I have been a bit more moody.

I can't explain it, and I'm reluctant to admit it but, this month feels more real than the others. For some reason I have this gut feeling that we got it this time. But then, I'm worried I'm wrong. If I am wrong, how foolish am I gonna feel? How frustrating will that be to feel like both my body and instincts are lying to me? But I guess it's out there now. From the beginning of the month, I felt like it was going to happen this time round. I really feel like I'm pregnant. But...what if I'm wrong again?...

Also this month I had some crazy dreams. One was a dream about me having a spell put over me by a witch. It was a fertility spell where I absorbed the fertility of two other women, causing my breasts to swell with milk. Obviously an odd dream but the underlining subject was as clear as the gigantic boobs that grew on my chest!

Next I had a dream where all sorts of crazy random things happened, seeming more like a blend of cartoon shows and Willy Wonka of all things. But then at the end of a dream, a man approached me and asked: "have you been having crazy dreams?" I nodded. He then smiled and said: "You're having crazy dreams because you're pregnant! Crazy dreams is a sign of pregnancy!"

After that I had two other dreams about spotting. One seemed more like my period was starting. The other was more like implantation spotting. But still, the dreams about bleeding made me second guess if I really am pregnant. The dreams of bleeding are the worst. That sinking feeling of seeing spotting when I so desperately don't want to see reminds me too much of the miscarriage...that dreaded fear of losing everything.

Anyway, in spite of my two dreams about spotting, my husband actually had a dream! It's so rare when he has dreams. The last time he had a dream involving our baby it was when he dreamt about Joey being a boy even before we found out. All that time I was leaning more towards the thought we were having a girl and yet my husband and his one dream were spot on! He dreamt about me having "pregnancy brain," being forgetful because I was pregnant again. I must admit, his dream inspired more hope.

I've tried to check my cervical mucus for any indicators of pregnancy but it is so hard to tell. The last time I was pregnant it seemed so obviously different. At the time, however, checking my CM was unusual for me so things just felt different either way. Last week it was slippery and egg-white-ish which all the books say is the sign of ovulation. Now it's more lotiony and white, feeling a little more dry than it's been.

Until I can test, or until I get my period I won't know if any of this means anything. Even now I feel a bit foolish for believing so much in all that I have been feeling. I don't want to psych myself into not having my period on time...that would really make me hate my body. But...I don't know...I still have hope. It may be totally off but I still have that feeling deep down that this will be our month to finally get that positive.

The rays of hope fade in and out offering nothing more than a brief glimpse of Sunshine.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Post 34...The Days I Carried Him

October 7th was better than expected. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, although I still cried quite a bit at the end of the day. But all in all, it was very enjoyable. We starting things off at the Steelhead diner; a classy bar tucked away in the back alleys of Pike's Place. There we sat out on the balcony listening to the street performers singing below in the bustling brick alleyway as we ate caviar and crab cakes. My husband sipped away at his usual martini with olives, laughing from time to time as I would quiver with each taste of my mandarin vodka. It has been awhile since I had a hard drink so the burn was more intense than I remembered.

When we had finished eating like royalty, we walked around, bathing in the sites and sounds of the lively market. With our keepsake necklaces on, and Joey in our heart, we cherished our family outing. That night, we dined at the top of the Space Needle. The view was spectacular and once again we stuffed ourselves with some of the greatest things Seattle cuisine has to offer. But as we toasted to Joey and to two years of marriage, a beautiful thing happened. As we looked out over the Elliott Bay, the sky gray with clouds broke apart shooting down two beams of sunlight across the water. It was breathtaking. At that moment the waitress came up and looked out the window. "Hu...well this is unexpected." she exclaimed, "They said it was supposed to get worse before it got better, and yet here it is getting sunnier!"
My husband looked over at me with tears in his eyes. "It's Joey." he whispered. A lump caught in my throat. It's true, from the day we gave birth to Joey, the sun has shown up every time we've needed him (which, if you lived here in Washington you'd know just how rare that really is!). It was the sun shining in my hospital window during what was otherwise a rainy day that told me Joey was already in a safe place even before his body came into this world. My husband was right, I could feel it in my heart...Joey was there with us.

That night we lit Joey's candle, the one we had for his memorial, and looked through his memory box. We cried and held each other for awhile until it was time to put our keepsake necklaces to bed and blow out Joey's candle.

The days to follow were oddly calming. I have felt such a sense of peace since the celebration of Joey's due date. In fact, I've even felt better about trying again for another baby. I didn't entirely understand why until my husband explained: "You probably feel more at ease now because you finally carried Joey for the full 9 months. You couldn't physically carry him that whole time, but you've been carrying him in your heart and in your thoughts. You did it, Tiny. You've carried him full term." I couldn't believe how much peace I felt from that. I didn't have the ability and luxury of carrying him to full term like every other mom can, but I did what I could to honor my son. Now that I have...I truly feel like I can move forward wholeheartedly.

Now, as we have been trying, my conscience has been clear which, in turn, has made things a lot more fun if you catch my drift. I really feel like this month might be the month. I can't really explain why except to say that I feel like I've given myself the okay to move on. Joey is safe, playing up in heaven, watching over us (although I get the feeling he might be a bit distracted at the moment with his toys, as he should be ^_^) and so I'm okay with letting him be. I will always hold him in my heart, but I don't need to carry him anymore.

So now the days continue on. The flickering flame of hope has burst into a full blown fire! My son is happy and safe, and I feel absolutely excited to be pregnant again. I'm okay now with welcoming in a new life. Because deep down I'll always know that, where there is Sunshine, Joey is there too.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Post 33...Champagne and Caviar Wishes

Guess what?....I'm gonna talk about my period again! Trust me, I'm just as anxious as you are for me to be pregnant so we don't have to talk about my menstruation anymore. Anyway, back onto the lovely subject; when I started on Saturday, everything was normal. Sunday came with some wicked cramps but not the worst I've ever felt before. But on Monday, something happened that has never happened to me ever before; my period practically stopped! It was like someone just turned off the faucet. I still had some spotting, a few heavier moments from time to time, but for the most part, my period came to a screeching halt just two days in! Since then, I had nothing but spotting up until today when it finally decided to stop this ridiculous charade and come to a complete stop all together. At first we of course wondered if it was really a period at all or if perhaps by some miracle we actually got pregnant and this was just some left-over vaginal bleeding that can sometimes happen. But after digging a little deeper into some research, the likely culprit is [drum roll] stress! Of course it is, right? With the up and coming due date for Joey, stress has certainly taken it's toll on my emotions, so it makes sense that it would also affect my cycle. So with everything else going on in my life right now, I decided not to tack on the lingering concerns of possible pregnancy and decided to take this all at face value. It came four days late and was extremely light, but it came none the less. True, my breasts are still achy and I still feel bloated, but that could very well be my broken hormones running a muck in my body. If for any reason I start to get morning sickness or some other symptom that is screaming pregnancy, then I will test. But for now, I'd would confidently say I'm not pregnant.

As for tomorrow, Joey's due date; we've been dreadfully watching this day slowly make it's way towards us and now it's here. We have done what we can to plan a fun and eventful day to keep things light, but of course, we'll bring the travel tissues too. For starters, we will be going to Pike's Place Market in down town Seattle. There we will go to the Steelhead diner to enjoy their famous caviar pie and a shot of vodka to compliment the caviar. From there, we will explore the town, doing whatever looks fun, enjoying the open markets and art of Seattle. Later that evening we will then dine at the top of the Space Needle for dinner, enjoying a glass of rich full wine in the candle light. It will be absolutely decadent! We figured we could take the day off from our normal alcohol restraints and just relax that day. Not only will we be celebrating Joey's life, but we will also be celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary, and 4 years of being together. Although I am sad that we are not pregnant yet, it is nice to spend a day indulging in all the activities I won't be able to do once I am pregnant. Drinks, caviar, rare meat, soft cheeses; I love it! I think it will be good for me to remember the joys of just being us, soaking it in while we can, and realizing that pregnancy isn't something to be rushed. We will get pregnant, but while we're not, there are still plenty of wonderful times to be had. I miss Joey terribly, but I can't keep going on feeling guilty for continuing my life after his passing. He is a part of us and always will be, and I know that he is okay with us moving forward. Although I couldn't stomach sea food when I was pregnant with him, so he may not agree with the menu on our day of remembrance, I know he'll be happy to see his parents smiling and laughing again.

So here's to our son, our marriage, and to a future full of Sunshine.

Post 32...A Can of Worms

It has been a hard week....

Saturday gave us a big slap in the face with the start of my period. Unfortunately our first instincts were correct about us not being pregnant this time around. I say "first instincts" because the few days prior, we were really starting to think we were pregnant. Once again my body was giving off clear signs, but they turned out to be nothing more than just another false alarm. I cried a little but bounced back quicker than I had before. I was at least glad that I got my answer before Joey's original due date rather than the day of or right after. It's better this way, being able to adjust before tackling yet another difficult time.

How we didn't get pregnant after doing you-know-what nearly every day is beyond me! Although, some studies argue that going every day can deplete a guy's supply faster than a guy who goes every other day, allowing him to rebuild his troops before the next go-around. Taking that into consideration, as well as the fact that increased activity can (and did!) lead to a possible UTI, we have decided to try going every other day this month. We also had some deep discussions sorting out a lot of the psychological set backs I've been having. With the pressure of money and family, it is hard for me to be fully in the mood without some stress cluttering the back of my mind. Each month I'm not working and not pregnant is just another month I'm using up our savings on myself alone. And still we have family waiting to hear any updates so they can plan the holidays accordingly. But no pressure right? We're just waiting on my uterus to save Christmas....too bad it's not very reliable because it's INCOMPETENT!

In some ways, it was so much easier having the pregnancy be our own secret last time. Even though our family and friends are just excited and anxious like my husband and I are when it comes to trying again, I can't help but feel like everyone is waiting, watching for any little change in me to see if we're pregnant yet. And as much as I love to be on center stage, that is only when I'm performing! If I'm the center of attention when I'm not on stage, it usually means a bad thing. But one is really paying attention. Oh what a can of worms I'm opening up here....

I'm torn. I feel like family is waiting and watching in excitement, which is fine, although the attention in some ways makes me feel the pressure to give them what they want. They want us to be pregnant and now it feels like I'm not just doing it for my husband and I, but now I have to please everyone else. They still feel the pain of our loss, and they're just as excited for a happy healthy pregnancy. But in turn it makes me feel like, if I don't get pregnant, I'm letting everyone down I guess I still feel slightly responsible for the miscarriage. It was my body after all....

Well, to stay on topic; though I feel like family is waiting anxiously for us to be pregnant, so many other people in my life could care less about what we're going through. Here we are facing the day our son would have been born, and it seems like no one really cares. A part of me knows that they have their own lives, but a bigger part of me feels like: how can they just forget my son? So many petty problems and yet they choose the superficial issues over the loss and life of my son! I thought these people cared about me, so how can they say nothing to me, or offer me no comfort? I tried to reach out for support and some very dear friends and family reached back. But the rest was silence. When we first lost Joey, so many people reached out to us. I was in awe at how many lives my little boy had touched. But now, just a mere few months passed,'s so sad how easily a life can be forgotten. That is my son!

Here is where I take a deep breath and try to push past my burning thoughts....

As the week has gone on, the emotions have ramped up (as you can tell by my rant above). Nearly every day, my husband and I have had moments of crying. But more than anything I have been going through mom withdrawals. I can't help but think: I would have been an active mother right now. I would have been feeding him, changing him, laying him down to sleep, comforting him when he would cry. But I can't do any of that. In my heart, I feel a deep ache to hold him again, to see him plump and pink, wiggling around, and to nurture him. Without me working, I don't even have co-workers to rely on me right now. Clearly family and friends have their own drama to deal with, so I'm not really needed there either. My husband reminded me that he still needs me, but I don't want to mother him. Although, it is nice to know that at least one person in this world needs me. I guess for now, my needs to be a mom will just have to wait. I have my own urges putting pressure on me to get pregnant again. Man, I'm a piece of work!

"Sitting in an English garden waiting for the Sun. If the Sun don't come I'll get my tan from standing in the English rain."-The Beatles.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Post 31...Pickle's song

This was the song I wrote for Joey Jr. when I was still pregnant with him. I figured since we're coming up on his original due date, I should post it in tribute to him. It's not the best recording in the world but it works. This one's for you Joey!

Pickle by ging3rale

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Post 30...My Fair Baby

On Saturday my husband and I went to the Puyallup Fair and it was there I learned an important parenting lesson: never bring a big fatty stroller to a crowded event! I don't know why so many mom's insist on bringing the hummer of all strollers to such crowded events, but there they were. Cramming their way through swarms of people, I watched mom after mom angrily thrash their stroller this way and that. But I can't say I felt much sympathy. Why on Earth they would need to bring their entire baby nursery with them to a day fair is beyond me! I mean, I understand that mom's need to bring the essentials (diapers, bottles, baby powder, a spare set of clothes...), but did they really need to bring an entire months worth of diapers, stuffed animals, and everything short of the crib?! I swear, strollers have gotten bigger over the years. Although they seem very safe and luxurious, I sometimes wonder if people really need an excuse to haul around more crap. Not to mention, it looked far more stressful trying to navigate through the crowds with a huge stroller. When we have a baby, I would not bother bringing the stroller to those kind of events. Well...I would be hesitant to bring a baby at all to a big event full of people primarily because of all the germs! Every big event now seems to be followed up with some report of a death plague going around, compliments to H1N1 and other super bugs going around. Anyway, if I did bring my baby to a crowded event, I would just carry them around in a baby bjorn and have a diaper bag on the side. Done and done! I mean, c'mon! Baby's are already travel sized for your convenience. Why make it any more complicated?

On a different subject, my UTI seems to be doing much better! No more discomfort! I'll be finishing up the last of my meds for it by the end of the week so thank goodness for that. Otherwise I can't really say if I'm feeling any symptoms of pregnancy yet. In fact, for the most part, both my husband and I are kinda thinking we're not pregnant this time round. We're not really sure why. Perhaps it's because last month threw us off so much. But for the moment, we're not really convinced. I'm having some symptoms that were a lot like the last pregnancy but it could just as easily be menstrual symptoms as well. I've been breaking out, bloating, on and off cramping, moodiness/emotional, tired, breast achiness, and occasionally headachy (except for the time we were visiting our friends up in Bellingham and I had a sudden migraine that came in for no reason and lasted all night!). If I go off of my last cycle (and assume if I was actually on time for the first time in months!) my period should have started yesterday. I've had some cramping like I'm going to start any minute now, but so far nothing has come. It could be that it'll show up a week late like it has been, but I won't know until that time comes, or until we test. So just like before, I have no freak'n clue! In some ways, I'm kind of grateful that the medication I'm on for the UTI is throwing off my ability to check for pregnancy signs. Since the UTI could be playing a part in some of the things I'm feeling, I can't over analyze them as pregnancy signs. So luckily that's stopping me from psyching myself out.

Still I wait, curious if we're pregnant, scared of next week (Joey's original due date), and happy that answers are at least on the way.

When we were at the fair, at one of the booths we saw a wooden carving of a bear holding up a sign that read: "It's a boy!" My husband nudged me and said it was a sign we were going to have a boy.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Post 29...To Pee or not to Pee

Last night, after a few hours of grocery shopping, I found myself sitting in the doctor's office. For the past week, I have had a growing feeling of bladder pressure that would not go away. Imagine feeling like you really have to pee, but when you go to the bathroom nothing comes out. The feeling kept coming and going all week but wasn't anything too bad. I had my suspicions that it might be a mild UTI, but I thought I might be able to beat it with lots of water and cranberry juice. But last night...oh boy! Right as we were checking out from the grocery store, the feeling hit. Stronger than it had been all week, I felt like I was nearly going to wet myself and yet nothing was coming. Soon, that feeling was coupled with cramping in my lower stomach and nausea. I could take it no longer. Just minutes before the walk-in clinic was about to close, we rushed in (I was literally running) and they got us in right away. After running a few tests, it was just as I suspected. I have a UTI.

Of course, in the back of my mind, I had secretly been hoping that maybe the bladder pressure was from a possible growing uterus. But after that extreme sudden discomfort, I knew it wasn't a baby. We told the doctor that we have been trying to get pregnant, so they made sure to give me meds that are baby safe just in case we are pregnant. Just to check, they ran a urine test to see if I was pregnant. But to no great surprise, it didn't come out positive. It's only my pre-week after all, so it's too early to really be testing.

After we got home, my husband held me in the shower as I cried from extreme discomfort, waiting desperately for the meds to kick in.

So what's the point to all this? Well, I learned an important lesson: apparently there is a bad side to having so much sex. I never knew it but;  during sexual intercourse, the bacteria present in the vaginal tract is pushed inside the urethra by the movement of the penis. Who knew there was a down side to having a lot of sex with your husband? Come to think of it though, last time when we got pregnant, the doctor's said I had a mild UTI then too! So I guess it is pretty common.

Well, that's the latest news. I still don't know if I'm pregnant or not. It's hard to feel any symptoms other than the UTI, and it's still too early to test. It would also be hard to believe we're not pregnant after having sex every day this past month! But I suppose it could happen. Only time will tell. At least for now, the medicine I'm on is helping to get rid of that awful feeling! Good bye UTI!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Post 28...I'm a daddy-to-be and I dance dance dance.

It is a hard life to be a baby dancing daddy. Not really though.

Not a lot to say in the day and the life of a BDD. I haven't had any dreams, or intuitions about my wife being preggo this time around. Then again, I didn't have any until it was closer to the 2-3 month period and even then it was about what gender our baby was. I was right, but still, it doesn't make the pre-preggo or the early preggo times go by any quicker. Not that I'm in any sort of a hurry ;).

I did have this kind of bizarre train of thought though on Monday. I was driving to work (or was it home? I can't remember it is already Thursday :-P) and for some reason, I had a worry if my kids will enjoy doing the things I do, or if they're going to latch on to their mother and not want to have game time with dear ol' daddy. And I went on this tirade well on to the point of thinking things like, "Oh they'd better not ignore me," and "they're going to like games, and baseball and sports and like it...."

But as we all know, we don't have any choice in anything that kids do. So here's hoping they like something about me and want to do stuff like daddy. Even if that is play games in their underwear, wiping pop-tart dust off their tummies when the hot pockets are ready. Or laughing at mommy when she has a bad case of tourettes while playing games. Or making Uncle Andy yell and pout about them licking his leather jacket and getting baby drool in his hair. I might just have to support the kiddo and do the same. He'd certainly kill me xD. Though, the hilarity that would ensue would certainly make a kid of mine happy to be around family.

Post 27...Signs

My husband and I were going on our usual afternoon walk the other day when I came across a small baby blanket. It was sitting in the middle of the walkway, soft and pink, still neatly folded. Picking it up, I scanned the area for it's owner but there was no one else in sight. Carefully unfolding it, I noticed a little stitched detailing in one of the corners. It was a picture of a mom and baby bunny sitting next to the word "Baby". I smiled as I handed it to my husband. "Maybe it's a sign." I jested.
He gave me his usual playful disagreeing face, the one where he lowers his head just slightly and purses his lips. "It's not a sign." He argued.
"Oh?" I said, still teasing him. "I don't know. What are the odds of finding a baby blanket just sitting here in the path of our daily walk? And right around the time we're trying for a baby. Perhaps it is a sign we're going to have a girl." I shot my husband a coy smile.
"Nope, nope. Not a sign!" he protested again.
"It's not a sign because you think it's just a coincident or because it's not a little blue blanket?" I prodded my husband.
He fought back a smile.
"Would it be a sign if it was saying we were having a boy?" I asked.
My husband gave me a single nod. "Yes. If it was a boy's blanket it would be a sign. 'Cause we're gonna have another boy." he finally gave into a full smile and laughed.

I don't know if it really is a sign. It's hard for me to believe in them now after all we've been through. But it was a fun thought to play with. Every now and then this past week I get this sure feeling that I am pregnant, but so quickly it fades. It's so hard to tell at this point. I have had some feeling of pressure in the area of my uterus, and even a slight feeling of pressure on my bladder. But who's to say that isn't just my cycle gearing up? No symptom can clearly be discerned between pregnancy or menstruation. Why can't we have color changing belly buttons or something that tell us for sure when we're pregnant? Sorta like a mood ring to cue us in as soon as conception occurs. No more waiting for tests, no more "oops I drank because I didn't know I was pregnant", no more wondering. But I guess that's what missing a period does. But bother it all! Too many other things can affect the menstruation cycle! If I had a pregnancy mood belly button, nothing else would affect it! It would give me a clear and concise answer.

Although, now I have this mental image of women having magic 8 ball tummies, their husbands shaking them up waiting for an answer to see if they're pregnant.

Answer unclear. Try again later....