On Friday, we went in for our second check-up. We expected to have another ultrasound to make sure the baby was bigger and that everything was progressing well. What we didn't expect was that, rather than have another ultrasound, the doctor decided to check for the heartbeat instead. If the doctor could pick up a heartbeat outside of the tummy than that would mean the baby had already grown four times it's size from the last visit. It took the doctor no time at all to find the heartbeat. In one breath-taking moment, my husband quietly leaning towards me as the doctor adjusted the volume, we could hear Sunshine's heart beating strong. At a crazy rate of 170 beats (since he/she was still only 9 weeks along), the doctor said everything sounded great. In that brief moment as our baby's heartbeat filled the room, I was washed over with new hope. We ARE pregnant. Our baby is growing inside me. Two hearts are now beating inside me, one growing stronger every day. The realization hit me...for the first time, my fear was overcome by excitement.
Since then, I find myself feeling more hopeful. Thoughts of being further along in the pregnancy, my stomach huge and my husband able to feel the baby kick, have been passing through my mind. I have started to believe more firmly in the pregnancy going full term, thinking about when we will give birth in the summer.
Of course, this new found love and attachment to the pregnancy leaves me more vulnerable than ever. But I would be a fool if I thought that I could ever close my heart completely from the pain I would feel if this pregnancy didn't last. All I can do is love and care for this baby to the best of my ability for as long as I am able to have him/her in my life, praying each day that we will have him/her for a lifetime.
For now, as Sunshine continues to grow, so does my hope.