Sunday, November 28, 2010

Post 55...Thankful for Saltines


It was actually a really pleasant holiday as far as family and food was concerned. The only problem was, I had horrible morning sickness all day long! Nothing is worse than being surrounded by food when your feeling absolutely sick to your stomach. As I sat in the corner, munching on crackers and sipping crystal light (like the last pregnancy, I cannot stomach plain water!), I tried to force a smile on my face as people came around taking family pictures. I'm pretty sure that in most of the pictures I looked slightly crossed eyed, my skin tinged with a sickly green color.

For the past week I have been horribly sick all day long. I have yet to really throw up, but I have been nauseous 24/7. If I don't eat, I feel worse, but of course, when feeling nauseous, nothing sounds appetizing. So I've tried to keep munching all day, but sometimes it doesn't seem to help at all. The only thing that really seems to help is saltine crackers and ginger ale. Food just doesn't taste the same either. It's almost exactly like the last pregnancy. Everything almost tastes too sweet, spicy and tart foods taste best to me, and for the past couple days I've been craving ham again like I did with Joey. This time, however, rather than being really disgusted by sea food, I've been grossed out by chicken. The thought of it makes my stomach turn!

I cannot wait for the morning sickness to be over. I am hoping and praying it's like the last pregnancy where the morning sickness went away with the coming of the second trimester. But for now, I'm keeping the saltines at my side. At least I know this is a good sign that Sunshine is still in there growing strong. As my husband tells me: every surge of queasiness is just Sunshine saying "hi."

Post 54...The first ultrasound

As the snow began to pile up on Monday, the Obgyn office called to see if we could push up our appointment time. Since the roads were only going to get worse, they wanted to fit in as many people as they could so they could close the office early. As soon as they asked if we could come in as soon as possible, within minutes we were out the door. Of course we would take the opportunity to see our baby earlier, and avoid any worse driving conditions.

The office was rather busy as the nurses tried to sort through double and triple booked appointments from all of the rescheduling. Every minute in the waiting room felt like an hour as I sat there anxiously waiting to see our baby for the first time, while constant nausea kept the clock moving even slower. But even with the waiting room crowded with popping bellies, they got us in rather quick.

Before I knew it, we were looking at our baby, a little pea sized  blip on the monitor with a fluttering heart beat. The pregnancy wasn't as far along as I had originally thought. We were only a little over 6 weeks when I thought we were closer to 7, but considering I had been having long cycles, it made sense after redoing the math. The doctor said that everything looked great and that she had every confidence this pregnancy would go well. Just to make sure everything is progressing well, we scheduled a follow up ultrasound for Dec. 10th (about two weeks out) for a check up. But otherwise things seemed to be going great. The doctor also gave me the okay to go on walks and be a little more active, which I'm excited about. And she gave us the green light to be intimate for a few more weeks, which I am really excited about! For the most part, I can go about my normal days until I get closer to the second trimester.

It was a relief to see Sunshine was in fact in there with what looked like a strong heartbeat. I can't wait to see him/her in a couple more weeks when they'll be bigger and wiggling around! From what the doctor said, we'll be getting the cerclage around the 15th of January, which will come quick I'm sure. And the baby is estimated to be due around July 15th. At the moment it's hard for me to really focus or even believe in the due date. Not that I'm doubting the pregnancy will stick for full term, it's just...right now I need to get past the cerclage and the 20 week marker before I can really feel excited and sure about the due date. But I am excited that for now, things seem to be going great!

Sunshine's first picture!...Funny how something so tiny can change my entire world.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Post 53...Baby it's cold outside

Today is the day! It is the day of our first Obgyn appointment and, much to our surprise, it is also the first snow of the season. All morning long, and even now, I have been watching the snow transform everything outside into soft white mounds. The news is predicting that we'll have a few inches of snow by the end of the day, and that the wind is suppose to kick up, making the roads more messy as the day goes on. As excited as I am for the unexpected snowfall, I'm hoping it doesn't make us late for our appointment today. The appointment isn't until 3:30 and by then the weather might be worse. Honestly, it's not a lot of snow and the roads, for the most part, are pretty clear. But it's the other drivers I'm worried about. Here in the Seattle area, people lose their minds when we get the slightest dusting of snow! Without even so much as three inches of snow and schools are closed all over the place, and even the buses in down town have their chains on! Chains!...In not even an inch of snow! It's ridiculous! But consequently, it has made a mess of traffic, so I am worried about fighting our way to the appointment later. With any luck, we can get there with little stress.

Aside from all that, I'm elated to see Sunshine for the first time! It will be such a relief to know he/she is healthy and safe. I'm also curious to see how far along I am. I think I'm a little over 7 weeks but I'm not 100%. It's hard to know when implantation actually happened. We will also get our expected due date today too which will be fun to know. And, I believe we'll also get an idea as to when I'll be getting the cerclage. So it's a big day today! It feels like the true start of this pregnancy. Now is when things will really start to ramp up with appointments, baby growth, and more. The nice part is, I'll now have more regular Obgyn check ups, so we can check in on Sunshine more often and be reassured that he/she is doing well.

Here's hoping everything goes well with our appointment today. I'll post more later.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Post 52...It's not easy being queasy

So....queasy...all day long! Right now crackers seem to be the only thing that are settling my stomach for the moment. Yay for Ritz crackers! I thought I was avoiding morning sickness, but after two days of this, even worse today than yesterday, I'm beginning to think it was too good to be true.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Post 51...Doing Nothing for Everything

I never knew how hard it would be to do nothing! Back when I was working, the idea of staying home all day sounded like heaven! It seemed like it would be a dream to spend each day wrapped in blankets, resting next to the fire, chatting with my husband over instant messenger while he's at work, as I sit reading, knitting, or watching movies all day long. And although it is very relaxing, it comes with its limitations. It has been such a challenge not being able to go for long walks during the day, or even pick up a gallon of milk because it's too heavy for me to lift right now. I can't even dance around the house as I get dressed in the morning while blaring my music. But as much as it can be a pain, it doesn't even come close to the pain of losing a child. So going against everything I've ever been taught about being active to stay healthy, I will gladly keep my butt rooted to the couch if it means it ensures the safety of my baby.

One thing that I think will really help me through all this will be getting a better couch. The couch we currently have is this rickety old thing that use to belong to my parents. The springs are so shot and the padding is worn thin. When I sit down on it, I can hear the groan and crunch of the wire springs as my back settles into the hard wooden frame of the couch making it near impossible to get comfortable. After spending only a couple weeks on this damn couch, my back is already in so much discomfort! I swear it feels like my back is locking in the middle and is bruised on the sides. I've tried sitting in the big bean bag chair we have, but because it's so soft, my back just rounds in it, causing more pain in my lower back without the proper support. And we've tried stacking pillows on the couch to simulate the missing padding. It helps a little, but after a day of sitting, my body aches from head to hips. So far, the only comfortable position I have been able to find has been laying on the floor with my pregnancy body pillow, but even after a few hours of that, my hips start to ache from pressing into the hard floor.

A few days ago, my husband came home to see me crying like a baby over my discomfort as I laid on the floor. I wanted so badly to just go for a long walk and stretch out any aches and pains. I never knew it would be so hard to just sit around all day. How do so many people do it? Anyway, as I laid there, blubbering away in a hormonal fuss over my aching back, my husband gently wiped away my tears, propped me up with more pillows, and cradled me from behind. It was the most comfortable I had felt in days. The in-laws have promised to give us their old leather couch and reclining chair once they get their new one. But for now, I lay on the floor counting the days until that happens.

My husband has been immensely helpful through all this. Each day, he talks to me all day long on instant messenger while he's at work (when he's available of course). Then, when he gets home, he takes care of all the dishes, the laundry, taking out the trash, refilling the firewood bin, everything! And after all that, he makes us dinner! He even does the grocery shopping on his way home if we need anything. It's so amazing that he does all this and more with a smile on his face and without a single complaint. And when he's done with everything, he cuddles up next to me, rubs my tummy, kisses me, and says that it's all worth it. My love and appreciation for him is now overflowing! I couldn't do this without him, and I consider myself so lucky to be with such a wonderful man. No greater husband exists.

...and boy does that make it harder to be abstinent right now!....

So far my symptoms have been fairly mild. I have hardly had any nausea compared to the last pregnancy but it still is fairly early on. It comes and goes, but since I keep snacking throughout the day, I think it has helped keep the nausea at a minimum (although I'm feeling it more today so maybe it's just a matter of time before it really kicks in). My breasts have been sore from time to time but that has settled down for now. I keep getting dizzy spells when I stand, and I have been falling asleep earlier and earlier these days too. I have had some mild cramping from time to time, more of that pulling feeling. But it's hard to say if that's from things stretching out down there or from pent up energy if you catch my drift. Also, my tummy has already popped a little under my belly button. I've heard before that in your second pregnancy women "pop" sooner, but since this is my second first pregnancy, I wasn't sure if it would apply. But I guess it does.

For now, I continue to learn how to handle life on my booty, figuring out how to stay healthy and in shape, how to keep myself entertained, and how to stay positive. I'm eating walnuts each day to get adequate amounts of protein and omega-3 fatty acids that help stimulate brain and heart health for me and the baby. I'm still taking my prenatal so I can continue to get a healthy amount of folic acid in my diet (among many other essential nutrients) which has been linked to decreasing chances of any neural tube defects in the baby as well as the chance of miscarriage. And of course, I haven't had a drop of caffeine or alcohol! I am trying to do everything I can to ensure Sunshine is sticking around full term, even if the best thing I can do for him/her right now is to do nothing.

Six more days until we see Sunshine for the first time! Hang in there little one. You're doing great!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Post 50...Who are you?

In the last pregnancy, we were so excited. We took every chance to connect and feel close to Joey in any way we could. Of course, similarly to this time, it took me a few months to even feel pregnant, but once the symptoms really started rolling in, it was easier to feel that bond. Now, halfway through the second month, I am starting to feel the pregnancy more, and the reality is beginning to sink in. But last night, I was caught off guard by sudden sadness. Joey was the only one I ever carried, so as I feel the pregnancy progress, it feels in some ways like it should be him side me. I don't want at all to sound like I would rather have Joey in me than Sunshine! I love Sunshine so much already and will do everything to keep him/her safe inside me! It's just, since Joey's pregnancy was cut short, it sometimes feels like he should've been given another chance. After we lost him, some people said that he was just previewing us, like he was visiting us and would be back soon. And as nice as that thought is, getting my son back, I can't say that I really believe it. I see this pregnancy, this baby, as someone completely new. As for Joey, he's having a blast running around in heaven right now, playing with his great grandpa, and looking down at us anxiously waiting to see if he gets a brother or a sister. I cried for a good long time last night, caught up in a mix of feelings, missing Joey and excited about Sunshine.

Today, I made the mistake of getting on the scale. Already I have gained a couple pounds! I know it's partly because I was dressed (TMI but I usually weigh myself in my birthday suit right before my shower) and also because I'm bloated. But still, it sent me on a temporary spiral. It's so ridiculous! After losing Joey, I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up in such superficial problems. My weight may be more of a struggle this time around since I have to spend the majority of this pregnancy on my butt, but gaining a few more pounds is of little concern compared to the safety of our baby! I shouldn't worry so much about it! I can't help but wonder if extra weight will just add more pressure to my cervix, but honestly, it's not like I'm putting on a mass amount! Anyway, in my attempts to feel productive, I took a large soup can (at best only 2lbs since I'm not allowed to lift more than 5) and did some arm lifts while I was sitting. I figured, less weight, more reps, anything to keep my arms strong so I can hold my baby when he/she comes. I also did some head rolls, shoulder rolls, and toe points. I can't really do leg lifts since that contracts my low core, so I stuck to just flexing my feet to stimulate circulation in my legs. My plan is to do this regularly to at least keep me as strong as I can be while basically being on modified bed rest for now. I kept it really light and only did enough to feel a little burn in my arms. I'm playing it safe!

One funny thing that happened today: I double sneezed!....Confused yet? In the last pregnancy, for the first time ever, I started to double sneeze. Not just two sneezes in a row. No. This is two rapid fire sneezes without even a breath in between! Anyway, it happened all throughout the pregnancy, but after giving birth, it went away. Well today, for the first time since Joey, I double sneezed! It is the funniest thing! I never new sneezes could be a pregnancy thing! Go figure!

So there you have it, nothing but Sunshine and double sneezes all the way across the sky. ;-)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Post 49...Belly Bump

I'm not that far along but already I'm getting a little belly bump right bellow my belly button. It feels very tight and I still have that pulling feeling. My breasts are still extremely sore and I'm breaking out badly, but it's nice to have a reminder that Sunshine is still growing in there.

Today I was surprised when I cried after seeing a Pampers commercial. It showed all these clips of sleeping babies while playing the song Silent Night. I full on cried! Yay for pregnancy hormones. Oi!

Also today I read Sunshine one of the children's books we have. I thought it might be kinda fun to start reading or singing to Sunshine every day. I know he/she hasn't even developed any hearing yet but maybe he/she will at least sense that I'm sharing something with them. Maybe when my husband gets home from work, I have him read the story to Sunshine too, just to share the bond.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update. I'm counting down the days until the doctor appointment! I can't wait to see Sunshine for the first time!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Post 48...Positively Positive

Call me crazy but I took another pregnancy test just to make sure Sunshine is still in there growing away and, of course, it turned positive in a matter of seconds. Oh I'm so ridiculous! I rubbed my tummy and told Sunshine, "I'm sorry but you have a paranoid mom!" But he/she has a big brother guardian angel looking out for them so I should trust that he/she is doing just fine.

As silly as it was to take another test, it is nice to have that reassurance. Hi Sunshine!!!

Post 47...Through the Grapevine

Well, we were planning on holding off until we had the sonogram before telling our friends about the pregnancy. But yesterday I got a text from a friend saying: "your husband's mom can't keep secrets. She just told me you have a bun in the oven!" At that point, we knew there was no stopping it. So we went online and announced to everyone that the rumors were true, we are pregnant. The amount of love and support from everyone has been overwhelming! Everyone seems to be so happy for us. But I have to admit, having it out there already makes me a little nervous. Of course, my thoughts keep going back to the worry of miscarrying, so now with everyone knowing about the pregnancy, there is more pressure to make sure everything goes well. I know the odds of miscarriage are really low for us, but it can still happen. It's especially hard right now because I'm at that point where I don't feel pregnant. I've had some occasional mild cramping (more of that pulling feeling), and my breasts are still tender from time to time, but that's about it. No nausea, no headaches...nothing! But on the flip side, I have shown no signs of miscarriage either (extreme cramping and bleeding) so I don't know why I worry about that more when everything is saying I'm pregnant. I guess I won't feel sure until I see Sunshine on the monitor, wiggling around like Joey was, seeing the little heart fluttering with life.

For now, I've been taking it really easy. Since the doctor told me to basically sit back and rest so I don't put any other additional stress on my cervix, I've been spending the past couple days sitting in our giant bean bag chair reading books, watching movies, and doing crafts. It's been really hard seeing the sun shining and not being able to go walk in it. And now that I can't lift anything more than 5 lbs (doctor's orders), I'm suddenly realizing how much that limits my daily activity. In just two days time, I have already felt so much guilt putting all the work on my husband. Originally when I thought I would have a few more months before I would have to take it easy, I thought I could ease both of us into our new daily routines. But now, after dropping it on him, I feel terrible that he gets all the grunt work. He has tried to remind me that I'm doing an important job too by growing our baby, but at the moment when I haven't been really feeling pregnant, it just seems like I'm being extremely lazy! It's like I have to treat myself as if I'm sick when I feel perfectly healthy!

To ease my worries and to help me feel more connected, like I'm actually pregnant, my husband suggested I talk to Sunshine during the day. I've been hesitant to let myself get really excited about the pregnancy. It all feels so temporary or like I'm just playing pretend. I've been here before, in the early stages of pregnancy, and things stopped short. So really believing in things progressing further and carrying full term is hard for me. Right now, I worry about the baby making it to the second trimester and from there, my mind is fixed on getting the cerclage. But after's a whole new world for me.

Yesterday I took my husband's advice and tried talking and singing to Sunshine. It did help it to feel more real but that also bumped up the worry of losing him/her. My husband reminded me that, to truly open my heart up to loving this baby, I have to open my heart completely even if that means I am vulnerable to more heartache. He is such a wise man! I want and need this baby to be okay. I need him/her to stick around for the long haul. And I am absolutely terrified of going through another loss. But...I have to love Sunshine completely....I have to try my best to open my heart and trust that things will go better this time.

Twelve more days until I can see little Sunshine. Just twelve more days....Please still be in there little one!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Post 46...Our First Appointment

This morning, I made our first Obgyn appointment! It will be on the 22nd, just two weeks away! I was shocked they could get us in already. Last time I had to wait a full month to be around 8 weeks, but I guess I will already be close to 7 weeks by the 22nd. I did have a panic moment when scheduling it though. Because we don't have insurance, we have to put down a $2000 deposit!! But once they get proof of our insurance in January, we'll get a refund of our deposit (or what's left of it at that point) so it's not terrible. I also panicked because the Obgyn billing office notified me that the insurance I would be on will be turning into Regence in January, so she questioned whether or not they would deny me coverage because of pregnancy being a pre-existing condition. Immediately I called my parents to verify with them (since it's my mom's medical plan I'll be on) and they reassured me that they had already looked into it from the beginning, aware of the company change, and said that Regence told them I would be covered pregnancy and all. Since her medical plan isn't being replaced by Regnence, Regence is just becoming the "distributor" so to speak, the rules on pre-existing conditions will remain the same for the original medical coverage. So I should be in the clear.

So now, after settling down from my mild heart-attack over insurance once again, I am excited to think I could be seeing my baby for the first time in just two weeks! I'm not sure if this appointment will just be blood work or if we'll actually get the sonogram, but I am excited either way. I'm also happy it's right before Thanksgiving! If we do get the sonogram then, it will be fun to show off on the holiday. This year I have something to really be grateful for!

The only down side to it all; the doctor said no heavy lifting, no exercising, and worst of all no sex! I knew that would be the case after my cerclage but I didn't know I would have to start now!!! I was already trying to take it easy by not doing any heavy lifting but, not making love to my husband?...That's going to be the hardest thing to give up. I thought I had at least 2 months left to be intimate with him. My husband has told me that me and Sunshine are his world right now. And that if giving up sex will ensure we get to hear Sunshine's heart beat, to feel his/her kicks, to carry him/her full term; it will be more intimate to give birth to the "fruit of our fun," as my husband put it. I'm sure it will be a challenge at times, but we have to do everything we can to protect Sunshine. As for us as a couple, we will find a way to be close, I'm sure. We'll just have to get creative. And I'll leave it at that.

So here we parents from the start! With those two little lines our whole world is changing all for a little Sunshine.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Post 45...Test-aholic

Okay so in all my paranoia about our test yesterday looking so faded, I decided to take another one today. I didn't even use the morning pee but I hadn't gone in a few hours so I figured it was enough time to build up the hormones in the urine sample.

If I doubted it before, there are no doubts now! Within 30 seconds it was already showing two dark lines! I am pregnant for sure! After seeing how clear the test is, it makes it feel more real! I'M PREGNAAAANT!!!! =) It is such a relief to see that the hormones are getting stronger with each day! That means Sunshine is in there growing strong! I couldn't be more happy!

Post 44...Are We Really Pregnant?

After seeing the confusing test on Thursday that had apparently turned positive, I walked down to the store and bought another box of pregnancy tests. We decided to wait until Saturday morning before testing again to allow my body a little more time to build up more hcg hormones to detect if I was in fact pregnant. The wait of course was near impossible, but once again we were back to stage one, waiting to see if perhaps we were pregnant. The odds of getting a false positive are really slim, but then again we've beaten the odds before, and not exactly the favorable odds either.

Once again we had a night of little sleep as we waited for the morning test. At 6am we got up and tested once again. It took a little while to show up but sure enough, there it was, a second line. It was faint like before but undeniable. It was a positive test! The odds of two false positives while having no period and pregnancy symptoms was just impossible! We're pregnant!

Since we were already planning on visiting our parents that day, we decided to share the good news and announce to them. For my parents, since we've been working on putting together a cookbook, I wrote up a mock recipe about the "bun in the oven". And for my in-laws, we ding-dong-ditched a little plushie duck holding one pink and one blue balloon on the doorstep as we hid around the corner of the house. It was fun to announce to them but at the same time, I almost felt reluctant to. I know after two positive tests and all the symptoms, I should feel so sure about being pregnant, but at the moment it's so hard to believe. I keep worrying about having a "normal" miscarriage in the first trimester. We have a game plan for the second trimester so I'm  not too worried about that yet. But right now, all I can do is wait more and pray to God that Sunshine can hang in there for the long haul.

It was only yesterday that we confirmed it with another test, but still it's sinking in. I have moments where it feels very real, but other moments where I feel terrified of the pregnancy not sticking. For now I'm taking it very easy and just trying to be as healthy and as relaxed as I can be about it all. I'm extremely excited but extremely nervous at the same time. So much emotion, so much worry, so much unknown.

So far we haven't told any other relatives or any friends (except for one other couple) about the pregnancy. I guess we just want to wait until we have our first sonogram just to make sure things are progressing well. I don't want to seem like I'm not taking the pregnancy as real. I just need to know it's sticking around before everyone is celebrating. I don't want to let them down again, though I know it really wouldn't be my fault. But seeing their disappointment and heartache on top of my own is almost unbearable. Anyway, so for all who might read this, please don't go shouting from the rooftops just yet. When it seems more sure, we'll go from there. We plan on testing again next Wednesday just to see if the test reads out any stronger and if it is staying positive.

Please keep growing little one. Be strong and hang in there. We're going to do all we can to keep you safe. Welcome Sunshine!

Post 43...WTF???


Okay now I am more confused then ever!!! I just went to the bathroom, and like every time I've had a negative pregnancy test, I dug it out of the trash just to confirm that the negative is still there. Here's where it gets confusing. As I pulled it out I noticed (and God help me 'cause I feel like I'm losing my mind!) there is the slightest faded second line!

....A second line.....

Am I seeing things? Did my pee just soak the test so much that it caused the dye in the test to bleed a little? I have taken dozens of HPTs and never, NEVER have I had one get a faint second line. Not hours after, not even a day later! They always stay negative. So the question is....what in the hell is going on here?......

Why do I do this to myself? (T_T) I guess it's off to the store for more tests. We'll give it a few more days and see what the deal is.

My God our pregnancies never come easy do they?....But it is nice to have a little hope again...even if I kinda love-hate it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Post 42...I Don't Understand

I could hardly sleep last night, waiting anxiously to take the test first thing in the morning. Every hour of the night, through our tossing and turning, my husband and I kept checking in with each other, excitedly talking about what the result would be. At one point I drifted off and had an odd dream about breast feeding kittens, and my husband nodded off and dreamt that the Obgyn was at our house telling us to take a pregnancy test in spite of us knowing (in the dream) that we were already pregnant. After having those dreams, we both woke up feeling so sure we were going to see a positive test at last!

After waiting nervously together, my husband sitting on the edge of the tub, both of us giggling excitedly as we waited for the results, we picked up the test to see a single sad line glaring at us. It took a moment for our smiles to fade into sad disillusionment. But as I watched the lines in my husband's face run deep, the familiar pain of disappointment settled into my chest. We're not pregnant. But how can it be? We tried every other day for the entire month! I was showing signs, or so I thought. My husband sat there, counting out loud, trying to figure out if we did the math wrong and tested too early. But there was no denying it; I should have started my period sometime this week, so if the test says negative than it's negative for sure.

I hate my body right now. My husband says it's not my fault, but I don't believe it. Sure I can't control whether the sperm meets the egg, but it's my body that can determine if it's a good environment for the sperm and egg to combine. It's MY stress levels that affect it all, it's MY uterus that either has enough of a lining built up or not, it's MY body that keeps giving off false signs and false hope, it was MY cervix that had to ruin everything last time!!! So how is it not my fault?! Even though I have no control over the actual conception of the embryo, it still comes down to the fact that my body keeps giving off signs of pregnancy and letting us down every month! And I HATE that! I can't keep taking this! Am I supposed to just ignore anything I feel and excuse it away on just being menstruation symptoms? Before the miscarriage, the symptoms between pregnancy and menstruation were a lot more separate. I did not get sore breasts when I was PMSing, no headaches and I did not get so tired or queasy, so why now? Why the change?

I have lost so much hope. How can I keep saying "next time we'll get it" when I'm really finding it hard to believe? I was so sure this month! Now I don't expect it to happen. I don't trust my instincts anymore and that is a sad thing. How can it be this hard to get pregnant? It's not fair! So many stupid people out there that don't want children, who don't care for their children, and yet they so easily get pregnant! Why can't we? We're good people! We've done so much to ready ourselves for this! Am I being punished for some reason? Or is it really just a bland explanation of nature running its course?

I hate seeing all the status updates on Facebook. Everyone posting pictures of their babies, showing off their pregnant bellies, talking about the baby kicking, their child's first steps, and how excited they all are. Why do they get to be happy and I don't? I don't want to see it anymore, I don't want to be reminded of what is missing in my life.

So here I sit, waiting for my period to start. Hoping that it at least comes at this point because, if it doesn't than that's a whole different problem we're facing. I want it to come so I can be angry at it, scream at it, cry over it, and let it be done. Once again I wait for the spots of blood that tell me hope is officially gone this time around.

This year has been painted in red.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Post 41...T'was the Night Before Testing

Well, Aunt Flow still hasn't shown up yet. I'm getting nervous, wondering if she's just lurking around the corner, but so far so good. I have had a little bit more cramping on and off, but it's really mild compared to normal. It's been kind of a pulling feeling, although last night I had a fairly strong cramp but only on one side and it quickly passed. My breasts are hurting more and more, but still I have to wait. Tomorrow morning will reveal all.

I'm scared....

God please let it be positive!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Post 40...I Hate the Wait!

I am driving myself nuts this morning, analyzing every little change in my body, desperately trying to tell if I'm pregnant or if my period is going to start! So far I'm about 4 days late for a 28 day cycle, but I've been having about a 32-34 day cycle since the miscarriage, so I'm not really "late" yet. If I don't start in the next couple days, we're planning on taking a pregnancy test on Thursday morning and already I've been losing sleep over it. I have been so sure this month that we are pregnant but now that it's coming down to these last few days before either testing or starting my period, I'm second guessing myself right and left!

For the past couple days I've noticed the amount of my cervical mucus has gone down and it feels like my cervix is dropping and hardening, which would point to not being pregnant. But my breasts have still been very achy which could lean towards being pregnant. I've been getting little headaches almost every day (although who's to say that it's not from me stressing myself out over all this), and yesterday when I was up and about I was feeling some more mild cramping and some on and off nausea. I've been bloaty and breaking out but that's nothing new when it comes to this time of the month. I've also been craving big meaty sandwiches (which is what I craved in the last pregnancy) but I can't say it's a clear sign.

So like always, there is not a single thing that loudly declares if I'm pregnant or not. I have to wait and I absolutely hate that with a passion! How am I supposed to easily sit back and wait to see if my body is going to let me down once again or if my whole world is going to lift up with the news of a new baby?!

Why can't my body just give me a clear sign? Why can't it be Thursday already? I keep hoping and praying that things will finally go in our favor when it comes to pregnancy, but all I can do is wait to see if I'll be disappointed again, or if we will finally be welcoming in a new baby into our lives.

The other night dear,
When I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms,
But when I woke dear,
I was mistaken,
And I hung my head and I cried.

You are my Sunshine,
My only Sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are gray,
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't take my Sunshine away.