I could hardly sleep last night, waiting anxiously to take the test first thing in the morning. Every hour of the night, through our tossing and turning, my husband and I kept checking in with each other, excitedly talking about what the result would be. At one point I drifted off and had an odd dream about breast feeding kittens, and my husband nodded off and dreamt that the Obgyn was at our house telling us to take a pregnancy test in spite of us knowing (in the dream) that we were already pregnant. After having those dreams, we both woke up feeling so sure we were going to see a positive test at last!
After waiting nervously together, my husband sitting on the edge of the tub, both of us giggling excitedly as we waited for the results, we picked up the test to see a single sad line glaring at us. It took a moment for our smiles to fade into sad disillusionment. But as I watched the lines in my husband's face run deep, the familiar pain of disappointment settled into my chest. We're not pregnant. But how can it be? We tried every other day for the entire month! I was showing signs, or so I thought. My husband sat there, counting out loud, trying to figure out if we did the math wrong and tested too early. But there was no denying it; I should have started my period sometime this week, so if the test says negative than it's negative for sure.
I hate my body right now. My husband says it's not my fault, but I don't believe it. Sure I can't control whether the sperm meets the egg, but it's my body that can determine if it's a good environment for the sperm and egg to combine. It's MY stress levels that affect it all, it's MY uterus that either has enough of a lining built up or not, it's MY body that keeps giving off false signs and false hope, it was MY cervix that had to ruin everything last time!!! So how is it not my fault?! Even though I have no control over the actual conception of the embryo, it still comes down to the fact that my body keeps giving off signs of pregnancy and letting us down every month! And I HATE that! I can't keep taking this! Am I supposed to just ignore anything I feel and excuse it away on just being menstruation symptoms? Before the miscarriage, the symptoms between pregnancy and menstruation were a lot more separate. I did not get sore breasts when I was PMSing, no headaches and I did not get so tired or queasy, so why now? Why the change?
I have lost so much hope. How can I keep saying "next time we'll get it" when I'm really finding it hard to believe? I was so sure this month! Now I don't expect it to happen. I don't trust my instincts anymore and that is a sad thing. How can it be this hard to get pregnant? It's not fair! So many stupid people out there that don't want children, who don't care for their children, and yet they so easily get pregnant! Why can't we? We're good people! We've done so much to ready ourselves for this! Am I being punished for some reason? Or is it really just a bland explanation of nature running its course?
I hate seeing all the status updates on Facebook. Everyone posting pictures of their babies, showing off their pregnant bellies, talking about the baby kicking, their child's first steps, and how excited they all are. Why do they get to be happy and I don't? I don't want to see it anymore, I don't want to be reminded of what is missing in my life.
So here I sit, waiting for my period to start. Hoping that it at least comes at this point because, if it doesn't than that's a whole different problem we're facing. I want it to come so I can be angry at it, scream at it, cry over it, and let it be done. Once again I wait for the spots of blood that tell me hope is officially gone this time around.
This year has been painted in red.