Monday morning after a night of little sleep, my husband and I anxiously crawled out of bed to take our third pregnancy test of the month. After still having a negative result on the first day of my missed period, we decided to wait a full week before testing again to make sure we'd see a positive result. A week had passed an still no period. All the signs of pregnancy were there. Nervously I sat there, taking yet another life changing pee as my husband stood anxiously next to me. One minutes passed; one line. Two minutes passed; still one line. Three minutes passed and the test still read negative. I was utterly confused. Frustration and disbelief consumed me. How could it be negative? I was showing signs! I had missed my period! What else could it be? My husband and I stood there, glaring at the test with accusing eyes. It was a lie, it had to be. I know my body better than a messily piece of plastic! It had to be wrong!
The walk-in clinic opened at 8am. We sat impatiently waiting outside their door until they let us in. We were the first in and the first to leave. They took a sample of blood and set it off to the lab right away. Knowing the history of my incompetent cervix, the doctor took the test very seriously and promised to give us results within the day incase we needed to schedule out an obgyn appointment as soon as possible. For nearly 5 hours we sat next to our cell phones, delicately placed in the best reception spots around the apartment.
The call finally came. "I'm sorry I don't have better news to give you Mrs. Belousek but unfortunately your tests came back negative. You're not pregnant. Chances are your hormones are having an echo from your miscarriage. Sometimes after a miscarriage, a woman's body can have a relapse in hormones that can cause her to miss her period and feel the symptoms of pregnancy. This just means you might have to wait a little longer for your period to kick back in before you can try for a baby again."
...an echo of our loss....we have to wait longer before we can try again?.....
Quietly I thanked the doctor and hung up the phone. There was silence for what felt like eternity. Tears fell quietly without even so much as a blink to my eyes as I stared wide-eyed at the floor. In that moment I hated myself. I hated my body for tricking me. I hated myself for giving up my hopes for another pregnancy. I hated my body for not having it's period when it should, forcing me to wait even longer. That evening my husband held me tight as I screamed and cried hysterically, reaching out to Joey's urn, cursing my body and wanting to hurt myself because of it. My body had let us down again and I wanted to hurt it for doing so.
My husband quietly cried as he stroked my hair, coaxing me to breathe in-between my sobbing. I had reached rock bottom again and was fighting the call to climb back up. I didn't want to pick myself up only to fall hard again. I wanted to stay on the bottom where I felt I deserved to be. For the first time since we had lost Joey, I had found hope in a new life. I came to realize I was ready to move forward again, excited even to be pregnant again. For the first time in months, my husband was rubbing my tummy again, kissing it and whispering words of love to a prospecting new life. But he was whispering to nothing, nothing but an echo of his lost son. I couldn't stand to disappoint him again.
I found my breath again as my husband sat there rocking me in his arms. And in time, we somehow managed to stretch out a withered smile and even croak out a broken laugh at inside jokes we told each other in attempts to see the spark in each other's eyes again. With his amazing strength and understanding, my husband held my hand as he guided me back up from rock bottom. "I want you to look at Joey," he said with an encouraging stare, "look at him and tell him it was not your fault. Because Tiny," he said placing a hand gently on my cheek, "it was not your fault." I turned my head to his little urn where, even in the dim lighting, it shown soft and golden like the sun. It was hard to believe my own words, but as I spoke them, I started to find their truth.
"Joey...it was not my fault that you had to go. I tried to take care of you and hang on to you as best as I could. If it was up to me, I would've given my life in place of yours. I tried to give you a good home inside me while you were here. Oh Joey, I miss you so much! I love you and I always will. It wasn't my fault you had to go...it wasn't what I wanted." My husband held me again as we both cried in the silent company of our little boy. Gently my husband wiped away my tears and whispered "this is where hope is born."
Later that night, we decided we wanted to officially start trying again after I get my next period. The experience showed us how ready we really are and how much we want to try again. Though we may not know how we'll afford everything, we know we'll find a way to make things work. We were convinced we were pregnant this month, and we were ready and willing to step up and do all that was necessary to give the baby the best start. And though it turned out to be negative this time, we realized just how far we were willing to go to have a successful pregnancy. We want to have another baby.
Today I woke up and I started my period.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Post 20...Spare Change
My God! Life happens so fast, it's hard to keep up with sometimes! I have so many things to catch up on...
For starters; after much debate, many headaches, and way too many agonizing days, I finally quit my job. I gave them two weeks notice, but even two weeks felt like a lifetime. It was the last weeks of their summer program and they were short-staffed, so for the rest of the summer they cut everyone's lunches short. "Short" meaning, only 15 minutes lunches in a 9-10 hour day. Ridiculous. On my last day, they did get me a cake and a card that wished me luck. But when it came to closing time, it was nothing more than a shrug off as they walked away. I can't say I was expecting much, but I have to admit I was a little hurt that I hardly even got so much as a wave goodbye. It was no different than the usual goodbye at the end of a work week, except this time, I knew I wasn't coming back. I had hoped I made more of an impact then that, but I guess my leaving was of little difference to them. But I suppose it just goes to show I made the right choice to leave.
The hardest part was saying goodbye to one of my favorite students. A sweet little girl from Israel who would spend every recess twirling around me and giving me hugs. When I told her it was my last week at the school, she nearly broke into tears.
"Why do you have to leave?" she asked me, her voice wobbling.
"It's time for me to work at a new place. But I can still come to visit sometimes. Would you like that?"
"Yes." she hugged onto my legs.
"It'll be okay. Do you remember the teacher who came to help when I was gone for those few weeks?" I asked her.
She nodded.
"Well, she's going to be your new teacher."
She looked up at me with watery eyes. "I don't want her to be my teacher! I want you to be in our class!" I bent down and she wrapped her arms around me.
I was heartbroken. It was so hard to see how much it was going to affect the children. Even if my co-workers could care less, at least I know I will be missed by the children.
The really odd thing was, later that week, the same little girl came up to me, looked hard at me for a moment, and then exclaimed: "you have a baby in your tummy. It's small right now so your tummy isn't big yet....it's another boy like last time." And with a nod of her head she skipped off. I was floored! Not only had I already been wondering if we were pregnant (with all the signs my body had been giving off), but this same little girl was the same one who had predicted my pregnancy last time! She did almost the exact same thing when I later found out I was pregnant with Joey! I wouldn't put it past kids to have that kind of sense, but honestly, it shook me up!
The signs of pregnancy have become harder to ignore. Get ready for TMI but I really want to log all this for future reference. It started off as the light spotting early in the month. My CM then started to ramp up with a mix of white and clear globby discharge. It's lotiony in texture and rather than dry out around my pre-week like normal, it has stayed wet all month. In addition to that, I have been having mild cramping on and off almost since I had the spotting early in the month. I've also had on and off headaches as well. Like last time, I'm breaking out like a teen all over again, and when I lay on my stomach, it feels like laying on a bubble deep in my lower stomach. As the month has gone on, I've been feeling dizzy spells and occasionally lightheaded. Constipation has been a painful reminder of the last pregnancy, and I've been peeing like mad. I've also been unusually thirsty lately. Of course all of this could be explained on a number of things, but the more obvious signs have been my breasts are looking slightly bigger, the areolas bigger and darker, and the veins stand out more. And the biggest sign of all, I am now nearly a week late for my period. Yup...I'd say that's a good sign.
In all my anxiousness, I have already taken two pregnancy tests. The first one I took was on Friday (8/20) in the evening. It was a stupid idea to test late in the evening after I had already diluted my sample with all my water drinking. But I was so excited to find out. Unfortunately though, it came out negative. The second test was Tuesday (8/23) in the morning. I was sure we'd get a result then, but it also came out negative. With two negative tests, I thought perhaps my period was going to start any second, but here I am at the end of the week and still, no period. My guess is I just have to wait for the HCG levels to ramp up before being able to get an accurate reading. So on Monday, we're going to test again, first thing in the morning, in hopes we can finally get our answer. I'm nearly 100% sure we're pregnant at this point. It's hard to ignore all the signs my body is showing. But it will be nice to have the concrete results.
So for now, I'm stuck doing the thing I hate most...waiting. The idea of being pregnant again so soon is absolutely exhilarating. It's hard to describe. It's such a happy sad thing. The thought of it, quite frankly is making me dizzy! I'm so scared of miscarrying again, and so scared not knowing how we'd making things financially work out. At the moment we have no health insurance, and a humble savings. Not to mention, without me working, our savings isn't growing any. I worry that getting pregnant so soon might seem like a dishonor to Joey's memory. But then again, I love the idea of being pregnant. To be carrying another life, to honor the gift Joey gave us. To spend the holidays at home, growing that new little life inside me. It would give us something hopeful to look forward to. And I know that somehow, we'd find a way to make things work out financially. With me being unemployed, we might even qualify for medicaid which would help loads.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the results are. Maybe waiting isn't so bad.
For starters; after much debate, many headaches, and way too many agonizing days, I finally quit my job. I gave them two weeks notice, but even two weeks felt like a lifetime. It was the last weeks of their summer program and they were short-staffed, so for the rest of the summer they cut everyone's lunches short. "Short" meaning, only 15 minutes lunches in a 9-10 hour day. Ridiculous. On my last day, they did get me a cake and a card that wished me luck. But when it came to closing time, it was nothing more than a shrug off as they walked away. I can't say I was expecting much, but I have to admit I was a little hurt that I hardly even got so much as a wave goodbye. It was no different than the usual goodbye at the end of a work week, except this time, I knew I wasn't coming back. I had hoped I made more of an impact then that, but I guess my leaving was of little difference to them. But I suppose it just goes to show I made the right choice to leave.
The hardest part was saying goodbye to one of my favorite students. A sweet little girl from Israel who would spend every recess twirling around me and giving me hugs. When I told her it was my last week at the school, she nearly broke into tears.
"Why do you have to leave?" she asked me, her voice wobbling.
"It's time for me to work at a new place. But I can still come to visit sometimes. Would you like that?"
"Yes." she hugged onto my legs.
"It'll be okay. Do you remember the teacher who came to help when I was gone for those few weeks?" I asked her.
She nodded.
"Well, she's going to be your new teacher."
She looked up at me with watery eyes. "I don't want her to be my teacher! I want you to be in our class!" I bent down and she wrapped her arms around me.
I was heartbroken. It was so hard to see how much it was going to affect the children. Even if my co-workers could care less, at least I know I will be missed by the children.
The really odd thing was, later that week, the same little girl came up to me, looked hard at me for a moment, and then exclaimed: "you have a baby in your tummy. It's small right now so your tummy isn't big yet....it's another boy like last time." And with a nod of her head she skipped off. I was floored! Not only had I already been wondering if we were pregnant (with all the signs my body had been giving off), but this same little girl was the same one who had predicted my pregnancy last time! She did almost the exact same thing when I later found out I was pregnant with Joey! I wouldn't put it past kids to have that kind of sense, but honestly, it shook me up!
The signs of pregnancy have become harder to ignore. Get ready for TMI but I really want to log all this for future reference. It started off as the light spotting early in the month. My CM then started to ramp up with a mix of white and clear globby discharge. It's lotiony in texture and rather than dry out around my pre-week like normal, it has stayed wet all month. In addition to that, I have been having mild cramping on and off almost since I had the spotting early in the month. I've also had on and off headaches as well. Like last time, I'm breaking out like a teen all over again, and when I lay on my stomach, it feels like laying on a bubble deep in my lower stomach. As the month has gone on, I've been feeling dizzy spells and occasionally lightheaded. Constipation has been a painful reminder of the last pregnancy, and I've been peeing like mad. I've also been unusually thirsty lately. Of course all of this could be explained on a number of things, but the more obvious signs have been my breasts are looking slightly bigger, the areolas bigger and darker, and the veins stand out more. And the biggest sign of all, I am now nearly a week late for my period. Yup...I'd say that's a good sign.
In all my anxiousness, I have already taken two pregnancy tests. The first one I took was on Friday (8/20) in the evening. It was a stupid idea to test late in the evening after I had already diluted my sample with all my water drinking. But I was so excited to find out. Unfortunately though, it came out negative. The second test was Tuesday (8/23) in the morning. I was sure we'd get a result then, but it also came out negative. With two negative tests, I thought perhaps my period was going to start any second, but here I am at the end of the week and still, no period. My guess is I just have to wait for the HCG levels to ramp up before being able to get an accurate reading. So on Monday, we're going to test again, first thing in the morning, in hopes we can finally get our answer. I'm nearly 100% sure we're pregnant at this point. It's hard to ignore all the signs my body is showing. But it will be nice to have the concrete results.
So for now, I'm stuck doing the thing I hate most...waiting. The idea of being pregnant again so soon is absolutely exhilarating. It's hard to describe. It's such a happy sad thing. The thought of it, quite frankly is making me dizzy! I'm so scared of miscarrying again, and so scared not knowing how we'd making things financially work out. At the moment we have no health insurance, and a humble savings. Not to mention, without me working, our savings isn't growing any. I worry that getting pregnant so soon might seem like a dishonor to Joey's memory. But then again, I love the idea of being pregnant. To be carrying another life, to honor the gift Joey gave us. To spend the holidays at home, growing that new little life inside me. It would give us something hopeful to look forward to. And I know that somehow, we'd find a way to make things work out financially. With me being unemployed, we might even qualify for medicaid which would help loads.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the results are. Maybe waiting isn't so bad.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Post 19...Unexpected Sunshine?
It was Friday the 13th, a week ago today, and a suspicion grew in my husband and I. Rather than racap the conversation, I'm going to take the lazy man's route and copy-paste the conversation we had on instant message. It's long, but it's worth the read.....
Me: so...ya know how I was talking last night about my curiosity with my body
Joe: yeah
Me: and how it's acting odd
Joe: yup :)
Me: I was trying to look up things that could explain my CM
Joe: you're showing signs
Me: Around the time of implantation many women experience a sudden increase in cervical fluid again and there even may be some pink or brownish tint to some of the cervical mucus. This is thought to be a bit of blood that is caused by the implantation of the egg in the lining of the uterus. After this initial increase in cervical mucus and a slight tint pink the experience of each woman varies widely. Or...I could be ovulating and it just has leftover blood from last time. At least that's just a thought.
Joe: yeah
Me: but it is odd that it's so much and that I had that on day of spotting shortly after we had unprotected funness. And, if going off of what I think my schedule should be, this should be a pre week. Which means, I would be done ovulating and should be drying out. But instead I'm getting pinkish massive cm. /shrugs/ What are your thoughts. Plus, just the fact that I've been braking out exceptionally bad again like when I was Prego but I might just be reading into things too much. idk
Joe: you're exhibiting signs. that's my thought
Me: you think they are signs? I don't want my emotions to rule it so I'm trying to be a rational as possible and really look at it with an open mind
Joe: it could be either way like you said. That's all I’ve got
Me: you're not leaning one way or another? Just watch...leave it to me to get pregnant the one time I say "I’m not gonna let worry rule me" and I got drunk not knowing I could be pregnant again. It seems like something my body would do: get pregnant the one time I decide to throw caution to the wind and have a few drinks and right when I quit my job! It would already be a trouble maker child!
Joe: hah, maybe :) But like I said last night, either way, doesn't matter. We've got this.
Me: I know. I would just like to know for sure before I start planning for another. Idk. I'm just wondering. It could also be that my cycle is off again and this is just my ovulating time. /shrugs. I have no idea. You haven't had any dreams lately that involve this, have you?
Joe: nope no prego dreams :)
Me: kk. I trust your intuition more than mine
Joe: Fair enough. But I know we don't need to worry :)
Me: I’m probably not, right?
Joe: right
Me: so I was reading back on my preparing for pickle blog, reading up on January to see if I had felt symptoms early (even though, at the time, I was trying to convince myself they weren't symptoms)
Joe: heh
Me: and what I reported was: headaches, mild on and off cramping through the month, some bloating, and feeling drop dead tired. At the time, I thought it was work stress. That's what I kept excusing it as. That, and being sick. It seemed like I was feeling stuff as early as mid cycle, similarly to now. But again, idk if I am or not. Could be anything
Joe: yup could be anything
Me: am I reading into it too much?
Joe: tiny, you know your body best. If it is weird it's weird
Me: not really /giggle, I think you know it better. It's always weird. Me and my body haven't quite worked out our partnership yet. We've been fighting for years. I keep trying to make it shrink and it just fights back with blemishes and bloating ;)
“I forgot to mention that, a couple days ago I had some pink spotting the morning I work up after a night of rigorous baby dancing. I doubt it's implantation spotting since it's way to early for me to be ovulating. More than likely it was just some remainders of my cycle finishing up. But still the thought crossed my mind. But I want to try my best not to read into anything too much and psyche my body into giving false signs.” I posted this the month we conceived!
Joe: lol
Me: I totally didn't even remember I spotted last time oh bugger! Now I'm going to go an psych myself out! >_<
Joe: /kiss Joe: its ok :)
Me: I know Me: but it really makes me wonder after reading that. "dealing with headaches nearly every day! WTF?!"
Joe: :) /kiss
Me: do you really think I could be?
Joe: could be
Me: or not really?
Joe: could be could be
Me: *insert Charlie brown 'augh' here*
Joe: :)
Me: :) I'm really not upset. Just extremely curious. Your mother would flip ya know
Joe: we would flip!
Me: very much so. when was it we had our dinks? last Thursday Friday and Saturday right?
Joe: last Saturday, yeah
Me: and it was Friday I had some spotting? yeah?
Joe: and we did baby dancing prior right? yeah
Me: after we did stuff. we did BD that night. it was Friday cause I spent Thursday crying. first night drinking I got all emotional. second night I got randy. third night Katie and I were tipsy
Joe: but we did the no cover BD on like Monday and Tuesday right?
Me: I thought we did it only one other time earlier that week. or did we do it three times with no cover? oh, it was twice in one day right after my cycle ended on like Monday. cause I said if we already did it that day, no harm in doing it again. >_<>Joe: are
Me: really?
Joe: yup
Me: I kinda do to but if we're not, that's okay. No getting sad right? cause then it's just more time to prepare
Joe: right
Me: and if we are...then...this baby is already like us too much, being stubborn and coming in on his own time. right when I give notice, right when I give into a few nights of drinks! here I was worrying about pickling pickle and now sunshine might be! lol
Joe: :P
Me: well, I guess no drinks for me right now, and I'll switch to Tylenol to be safe. keep up on water and then wait it out :]
Joe: yup yup :)
Me: oh boy
Joe: oh boy indeed
Me: after reading my blog...I'm seriously wondering. /looks down at my tummy. pat pat pat, hello? anyone there?
Joe: haha. it'd be bad if there was knocking back
Me: lol, that would be weird. i have no clue how we'd pull it off, but we'd make it work. that's all I know. somehow in some way, we'd make it work
Joe: absolutely :)
Me: this isn't going to distract you from work is it?
Joe: nope. I don't want to get too excited, but I'm definitely only feeling excitement.
Me: me too :D this could be crazy. so is this what it's like for most people?
Joe: lol yeah
Me: could we really be?..../squeal, it's such a crazy thought. idk what we'd do. freak out I guess and then bring in the family for reinforcements and help
Joe: yup
Me: you really think we are? it's been a growing suspicion of mine this past week. but I didn't want to read into things too much
Joe: /kiss its all good
Me: yeah but I'm asking...do you honestly think we are?
Joe: yes
Me: ....me too
Joe: /kiss :D
Me: /kiss. your swimmers are just too good
Joe: I know its a silly question, but are you ok with that?
Me: I am. Scared as all hell and I might get emotional if it really is true, but how could I not be happy? This is Joey's gift to us. and if it just happens this way, then...it's meant to be. it's going to happen
Joe: well I know we were planning on waiting until after Joey's due date....
Me: and I will love it. Even if it scares the living hell outta me. I know. but maybe Joey had other plans :J
Joe: :)
Me: perhaps our kids like to just march to the beat of their own drum. no matter how much we try to plan, things just go the way they want to. why fight it?
Joe: fair enough
Me: If we are, I'll still find a way to make it Joey’s bday and honor him
Joe: true
Me: :)
Joe: I mean, I thought about the whole Joey’s due date, but I couldn't help but smile and be excited if this what our future is
Me: and hey, if I'm honoring him by carrying the gift he gave us, then that's not too bad either
Joe: it'll be a sad day, but I almost think less so if we were to be pregnant.
Me: yeah...I kinda feel the same too
Me: so...ya know how I was talking last night about my curiosity with my body
Joe: yeah
Me: and how it's acting odd
Joe: yup :)
Me: I was trying to look up things that could explain my CM
Joe: you're showing signs
Me: Around the time of implantation many women experience a sudden increase in cervical fluid again and there even may be some pink or brownish tint to some of the cervical mucus. This is thought to be a bit of blood that is caused by the implantation of the egg in the lining of the uterus. After this initial increase in cervical mucus and a slight tint pink the experience of each woman varies widely. Or...I could be ovulating and it just has leftover blood from last time. At least that's just a thought.
Joe: yeah
Me: but it is odd that it's so much and that I had that on day of spotting shortly after we had unprotected funness. And, if going off of what I think my schedule should be, this should be a pre week. Which means, I would be done ovulating and should be drying out. But instead I'm getting pinkish massive cm. /shrugs/ What are your thoughts. Plus, just the fact that I've been braking out exceptionally bad again like when I was Prego but I might just be reading into things too much. idk
Joe: you're exhibiting signs. that's my thought
Me: you think they are signs? I don't want my emotions to rule it so I'm trying to be a rational as possible and really look at it with an open mind
Joe: it could be either way like you said. That's all I’ve got
Me: you're not leaning one way or another? Just watch...leave it to me to get pregnant the one time I say "I’m not gonna let worry rule me" and I got drunk not knowing I could be pregnant again. It seems like something my body would do: get pregnant the one time I decide to throw caution to the wind and have a few drinks and right when I quit my job! It would already be a trouble maker child!
Joe: hah, maybe :) But like I said last night, either way, doesn't matter. We've got this.
Me: I know. I would just like to know for sure before I start planning for another. Idk. I'm just wondering. It could also be that my cycle is off again and this is just my ovulating time. /shrugs. I have no idea. You haven't had any dreams lately that involve this, have you?
Joe: nope no prego dreams :)
Me: kk. I trust your intuition more than mine
Joe: Fair enough. But I know we don't need to worry :)
Me: I’m probably not, right?
Joe: right
Me: so I was reading back on my preparing for pickle blog, reading up on January to see if I had felt symptoms early (even though, at the time, I was trying to convince myself they weren't symptoms)
Joe: heh
Me: and what I reported was: headaches, mild on and off cramping through the month, some bloating, and feeling drop dead tired. At the time, I thought it was work stress. That's what I kept excusing it as. That, and being sick. It seemed like I was feeling stuff as early as mid cycle, similarly to now. But again, idk if I am or not. Could be anything
Joe: yup could be anything
Me: am I reading into it too much?
Joe: tiny, you know your body best. If it is weird it's weird
Me: not really /giggle, I think you know it better. It's always weird. Me and my body haven't quite worked out our partnership yet. We've been fighting for years. I keep trying to make it shrink and it just fights back with blemishes and bloating ;)
“I forgot to mention that, a couple days ago I had some pink spotting the morning I work up after a night of rigorous baby dancing. I doubt it's implantation spotting since it's way to early for me to be ovulating. More than likely it was just some remainders of my cycle finishing up. But still the thought crossed my mind. But I want to try my best not to read into anything too much and psyche my body into giving false signs.” I posted this the month we conceived!
Joe: lol
Me: I totally didn't even remember I spotted last time oh bugger! Now I'm going to go an psych myself out! >_<
Joe: /kiss Joe: its ok :)
Me: I know Me: but it really makes me wonder after reading that. "dealing with headaches nearly every day! WTF?!"
Joe: :) /kiss
Me: do you really think I could be?
Joe: could be
Me: or not really?
Joe: could be could be
Me: *insert Charlie brown 'augh' here*
Joe: :)
Me: :) I'm really not upset. Just extremely curious. Your mother would flip ya know
Joe: we would flip!
Me: very much so. when was it we had our dinks? last Thursday Friday and Saturday right?
Joe: last Saturday, yeah
Me: and it was Friday I had some spotting? yeah?
Joe: and we did baby dancing prior right? yeah
Me: after we did stuff. we did BD that night. it was Friday cause I spent Thursday crying. first night drinking I got all emotional. second night I got randy. third night Katie and I were tipsy
Joe: but we did the no cover BD on like Monday and Tuesday right?
Me: I thought we did it only one other time earlier that week. or did we do it three times with no cover? oh, it was twice in one day right after my cycle ended on like Monday. cause I said if we already did it that day, no harm in doing it again. >_<>Joe: are
Me: really?
Joe: yup
Me: I kinda do to but if we're not, that's okay. No getting sad right? cause then it's just more time to prepare
Joe: right
Me: and if we are...then...this baby is already like us too much, being stubborn and coming in on his own time. right when I give notice, right when I give into a few nights of drinks! here I was worrying about pickling pickle and now sunshine might be! lol
Joe: :P
Me: well, I guess no drinks for me right now, and I'll switch to Tylenol to be safe. keep up on water and then wait it out :]
Joe: yup yup :)
Me: oh boy
Joe: oh boy indeed
Me: after reading my blog...I'm seriously wondering. /looks down at my tummy. pat pat pat, hello? anyone there?
Joe: haha. it'd be bad if there was knocking back
Me: lol, that would be weird. i have no clue how we'd pull it off, but we'd make it work. that's all I know. somehow in some way, we'd make it work
Joe: absolutely :)
Me: this isn't going to distract you from work is it?
Joe: nope. I don't want to get too excited, but I'm definitely only feeling excitement.
Me: me too :D this could be crazy. so is this what it's like for most people?
Joe: lol yeah
Me: could we really be?..../squeal, it's such a crazy thought. idk what we'd do. freak out I guess and then bring in the family for reinforcements and help
Joe: yup
Me: you really think we are? it's been a growing suspicion of mine this past week. but I didn't want to read into things too much
Joe: /kiss its all good
Me: yeah but I'm asking...do you honestly think we are?
Joe: yes
Me: ....me too
Joe: /kiss :D
Me: /kiss. your swimmers are just too good
Joe: I know its a silly question, but are you ok with that?
Me: I am. Scared as all hell and I might get emotional if it really is true, but how could I not be happy? This is Joey's gift to us. and if it just happens this way, then...it's meant to be. it's going to happen
Joe: well I know we were planning on waiting until after Joey's due date....
Me: and I will love it. Even if it scares the living hell outta me. I know. but maybe Joey had other plans :J
Joe: :)
Me: perhaps our kids like to just march to the beat of their own drum. no matter how much we try to plan, things just go the way they want to. why fight it?
Joe: fair enough
Me: If we are, I'll still find a way to make it Joey’s bday and honor him
Joe: true
Me: :)
Joe: I mean, I thought about the whole Joey’s due date, but I couldn't help but smile and be excited if this what our future is
Me: and hey, if I'm honoring him by carrying the gift he gave us, then that's not too bad either
Joe: it'll be a sad day, but I almost think less so if we were to be pregnant.
Me: yeah...I kinda feel the same too
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Post 18...mmm, that's gouda!
The bar was dimly lit by the gray light of day as we sat huddled around a small table in the window corner. We hadn't seen our friends much since they had been up at college, but it was a nice treat to see them in town for the weekend. For hours we sat there sipping our drinks, eating smoked gouda mac and cheese, and watching the rain fall outside in the thick summer air.
It was weird listening to our friends talk about graduating college and looking for apartments. In some ways it made me feel so old. Though we're the same age, I saw this other couple and couldn't help but feel like we were years older. They were so bubbly and excited about starting their life together outside of school. I remember those days. It was only a couple years back. But with so much happening in those two short years, I feel as if I have aged so much more. Unlike most of our friends, we're the only ones who have been planning on having a baby at this point. And after our loss, that alone feels like it has aged us in many ways.
But as I sat there, eating my mac and cheese, having a drink, and chatting away, I couldn't help but enjoy the feeling of going back in time. For once, in a long time,
I felt my age. No planning for a baby, no worrying about work. Just my husband and I as a couple enjoying a time out with our friends.
Again, I was a little weary of having some drinks, especially after the spotting I had had the night before. But there was no other spotting since, and, in honor of our toast to not giving into unnecessary worries (and since the math didn't add up anyway to be implantation bleeding), I gave into drinking for one last time. What better way to end my few days of splurging than in the company of my husband and good friends?
In the days before there was Sunshine.
It was weird listening to our friends talk about graduating college and looking for apartments. In some ways it made me feel so old. Though we're the same age, I saw this other couple and couldn't help but feel like we were years older. They were so bubbly and excited about starting their life together outside of school. I remember those days. It was only a couple years back. But with so much happening in those two short years, I feel as if I have aged so much more. Unlike most of our friends, we're the only ones who have been planning on having a baby at this point. And after our loss, that alone feels like it has aged us in many ways.
But as I sat there, eating my mac and cheese, having a drink, and chatting away, I couldn't help but enjoy the feeling of going back in time. For once, in a long time,
I felt my age. No planning for a baby, no worrying about work. Just my husband and I as a couple enjoying a time out with our friends.
Again, I was a little weary of having some drinks, especially after the spotting I had had the night before. But there was no other spotting since, and, in honor of our toast to not giving into unnecessary worries (and since the math didn't add up anyway to be implantation bleeding), I gave into drinking for one last time. What better way to end my few days of splurging than in the company of my husband and good friends?
In the days before there was Sunshine.
Post 17...A spot of concern
Friday night came fashionably late but it was welcomed with open arms. My husband had been working major over time all week and was planning on working through Saturday as well, so with our alarm clock still set for the next day, it hardly seemed like it was Friday. But in attempts to give the illusion of a weekend to my husband, we decided to have some fun.
After doing some more rollerblading, leaving our work stress on the trail, we came home to snacks and a movie. With the smell of popcorn in the air, and a glass of rum in hand, we started our weekend off right. I was a little apprehensive about drinking again, worrying that I might turn into another blubbering mess and ruin my attempt at relaxing my husband. But luckily, I ended up having a good heavy buzz only accompanied by fits of giggling and dancing.
Well, like most nights when we sit down to relax, things got a little frisky. After teasing him for awhile with passionate kisses and other things that I'll leave to your imagination, we ended up going all out right then and there. So what's the point in sharing this? Well, for one, we gave into guilty pleasure and went without protection. Of course this is a big gamble now since I've been off birth control for nearly a year. And, as my doctor explained, shortly after giving birth, apparently my body goes into super fertile mode and I can get pregnant way easier than ever before. Because of this, we've been very careful to use protection....about 99% of the time. The very few times we have gone without protection, we made sure it was no where near my ovulating time (so either right before or right after my menstruation. Yay nasty details!). So there we were giving into the occasional treat of going all natural. This wasn't the first time that week however, because that previous Sunday, we also indulged in it as well....twice (Twice because I figured, “hey, we already gave in once today. What‘s the harm in doing it once more in the same day?”). Aaaanyway....so here's the real reason why I'm sharing this intimate detail: after finishing up, I went to the bathroom later that night and noticed some spotting. Could it be?....I thought for a moment about the possibility of implantation bleeding. But there's no way it could be implantation already after just having sex! So after realizing that the only other time we had sex without protection was right after my period ended, my best guess was that it was leftovers from my cycle. The what if's crossed my mind, but the math just didn't add up. So though it was a bit of a scare in the moment, the likelihood of it being a sign of pregnancy was slim. Beside, I hadn't spotted when I got pregnant last time....right?...
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind.
After doing some more rollerblading, leaving our work stress on the trail, we came home to snacks and a movie. With the smell of popcorn in the air, and a glass of rum in hand, we started our weekend off right. I was a little apprehensive about drinking again, worrying that I might turn into another blubbering mess and ruin my attempt at relaxing my husband. But luckily, I ended up having a good heavy buzz only accompanied by fits of giggling and dancing.
Well, like most nights when we sit down to relax, things got a little frisky. After teasing him for awhile with passionate kisses and other things that I'll leave to your imagination, we ended up going all out right then and there. So what's the point in sharing this? Well, for one, we gave into guilty pleasure and went without protection. Of course this is a big gamble now since I've been off birth control for nearly a year. And, as my doctor explained, shortly after giving birth, apparently my body goes into super fertile mode and I can get pregnant way easier than ever before. Because of this, we've been very careful to use protection....about 99% of the time. The very few times we have gone without protection, we made sure it was no where near my ovulating time (so either right before or right after my menstruation. Yay nasty details!). So there we were giving into the occasional treat of going all natural. This wasn't the first time that week however, because that previous Sunday, we also indulged in it as well....twice (Twice because I figured, “hey, we already gave in once today. What‘s the harm in doing it once more in the same day?”). Aaaanyway....so here's the real reason why I'm sharing this intimate detail: after finishing up, I went to the bathroom later that night and noticed some spotting. Could it be?....I thought for a moment about the possibility of implantation bleeding. But there's no way it could be implantation already after just having sex! So after realizing that the only other time we had sex without protection was right after my period ended, my best guess was that it was leftovers from my cycle. The what if's crossed my mind, but the math just didn't add up. So though it was a bit of a scare in the moment, the likelihood of it being a sign of pregnancy was slim. Beside, I hadn't spotted when I got pregnant last time....right?...
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Post 16...Open the flood gates
It was a beautiful Thursday afternoon. My husband and I had just got off work and decided to start our evening off with some rollerblading to the park. For the past month, we've really enjoyed going for an afternoon skate on the trail, and this day was no different. Like usual, we felt the burn in our legs as we vented about work, rolling out the stresses of the day.
After sitting at the park for a little while, cooling down before the skate back to the car, we tried to figure out what to do that evening when we got home. It was hot and we were reminiscing about refreshing cold drinks. Whisky on the rocks, rum and coke, vanilla vodka and ginger ale....
"Well...we are going to have to push back our plans for getting pregnant anyway, so...."
That night we drank rum on the rocks. And together we made a toast: "here's to not giving in to worries and unnecessary stress."
It was fun to get a buzz. I hadn't had one since we first had wine after the miscarriage. But unfortunately, it also brought up some emotions. I spent a good hour or so crying, thinking about little Joey. Having a drink reminded me too much that he wasn't physically there. So to end the evening and make him feel a little closer, we read him a couple books, shedding both happy and sad tears. That night, the three of us enjoyed an evening of no worries.
After sitting at the park for a little while, cooling down before the skate back to the car, we tried to figure out what to do that evening when we got home. It was hot and we were reminiscing about refreshing cold drinks. Whisky on the rocks, rum and coke, vanilla vodka and ginger ale....
"Well...we are going to have to push back our plans for getting pregnant anyway, so...."
That night we drank rum on the rocks. And together we made a toast: "here's to not giving in to worries and unnecessary stress."
It was fun to get a buzz. I hadn't had one since we first had wine after the miscarriage. But unfortunately, it also brought up some emotions. I spent a good hour or so crying, thinking about little Joey. Having a drink reminded me too much that he wasn't physically there. So to end the evening and make him feel a little closer, we read him a couple books, shedding both happy and sad tears. That night, the three of us enjoyed an evening of no worries.
Post 15...That's it! I quit!
In my Preparing for Pickle blog I vented a lot about work. With great effort I have tried to avoid doing so in this blog, but the time has come....
I'm not going to go into great detail otherwise this blog will end up being ten pages long. But to sum things up, I have become so fed up with the crap going on at work that I decided to give my notice. Since I've been working as a float, helping out in the office more, and working in every classroom, I have learned a thing or two about my work. There are some nasty skeletons in their closets, and a lot of things going on that I'm pretty sure are illegal. Things such as, not paying people for working overtime, not giving people lunch breaks even though they've been working a 9+ hour day. And my all time favorite, keeping sick employees at work because the boss doesn't want to invest in hiring another staff member to cover for people who are sick. As a result, we have had illness consuming the place. They even forced one employee to stay at work for a full day even though she had a high fever. The next week, kids where dropping out of the class with 103 fevers. These are 2 year old kids.
For several weeks, I fought myself over the idea of giving notice. But it was clear that my work was not a good environment. There have been two major factors that have kept me at my job for so long: the economy sucks for the job seeker, and if I left it might force us to push back our plans for a baby yet again because of the money. And after my in-laws just made such a generous offer to cover the expenses of our brakes to help us with money, I was feeling horribly guilty about pushing things back for my own personal reasons.
But after spending nearly every day in rage or tears over my work, my husband finally said "I need you to leave this place. Even if we have to put off our plans for Sunshine, I can't have you be this miserable all the time. If we're going to have another baby, I need you to be happy. It would be healthier for our family and for us as a couple." When I considered how incredibly happy I was those few days I took off from work, I realized he was right. I couldn't stay at this place.
So this could be financial suicide, but I gave my notice. My last day will be August 20th. It's scares me to no end not knowing where I'll go from here. This could be great, it could make things really tricky. But either way, it has to be better than this job! There is still a chance the Google job I applied for might work out. Interviews should start at the end of this month. And hey...even if we have to push things back to closer to December, there's nothing wrong with a Christmas baby, right?
And that Sunshine went on to save Christmas....
I'm not going to go into great detail otherwise this blog will end up being ten pages long. But to sum things up, I have become so fed up with the crap going on at work that I decided to give my notice. Since I've been working as a float, helping out in the office more, and working in every classroom, I have learned a thing or two about my work. There are some nasty skeletons in their closets, and a lot of things going on that I'm pretty sure are illegal. Things such as, not paying people for working overtime, not giving people lunch breaks even though they've been working a 9+ hour day. And my all time favorite, keeping sick employees at work because the boss doesn't want to invest in hiring another staff member to cover for people who are sick. As a result, we have had illness consuming the place. They even forced one employee to stay at work for a full day even though she had a high fever. The next week, kids where dropping out of the class with 103 fevers. These are 2 year old kids.
For several weeks, I fought myself over the idea of giving notice. But it was clear that my work was not a good environment. There have been two major factors that have kept me at my job for so long: the economy sucks for the job seeker, and if I left it might force us to push back our plans for a baby yet again because of the money. And after my in-laws just made such a generous offer to cover the expenses of our brakes to help us with money, I was feeling horribly guilty about pushing things back for my own personal reasons.
But after spending nearly every day in rage or tears over my work, my husband finally said "I need you to leave this place. Even if we have to put off our plans for Sunshine, I can't have you be this miserable all the time. If we're going to have another baby, I need you to be happy. It would be healthier for our family and for us as a couple." When I considered how incredibly happy I was those few days I took off from work, I realized he was right. I couldn't stay at this place.
So this could be financial suicide, but I gave my notice. My last day will be August 20th. It's scares me to no end not knowing where I'll go from here. This could be great, it could make things really tricky. But either way, it has to be better than this job! There is still a chance the Google job I applied for might work out. Interviews should start at the end of this month. And hey...even if we have to push things back to closer to December, there's nothing wrong with a Christmas baby, right?
And that Sunshine went on to save Christmas....
Post 14...Pump the brakes!
My mother-in-law and I getting along?! Hold on now! Back up! What's going on here?!
It had been a terrible day at work, full of the usual borderline slave labor and awful attitudes. So rather than force myself yet again through a day of grinding my teeth, I decided to play sick and go home early. All afternoon, I was in complete bliss as I sat listening to jazz music, drinking coffee, and applying for other jobs. Realizing what a confident boost I got being away from work, feeling relaxation and happiness I hadn't felt nearly all year; I decided that, for my own sanity, it would be best to be "sick" the next day too. So, I croaked out an agonizing phone call to my boss and bought myself another day.
The next day was once again a swirl of coffee, jazz, and new found happiness. Funny how much more confident I felt when I wasn't at work getting battered down constantly. Go figure! Anyway, that same day my mother-in-law was planning on stopping by to drop off a few things she had been meaning to give us (one of my husband's old dressers, and some new pots and pans my brother-in-law's girlfriend wanted to give us). And much to my surprise, we ended up hanging out and talking for a good long while. It was such a nice visit! Ever since we have lost Joey Jr. I feel that my mother-in-law and I have become much closer. More than ever before, I have been able to talk more freely and feel more relaxed around her.
Of course, the hot topic with my mother-in-law has been when my husband and I will be trying for another baby. With a heavy heart, I had to tell her our plans were being put off because of finances. With so many financial obligations, (loans, bills, the car brakes, medical bills...) we just can't afford a baby as soon as we had hoped. It was hard to see the disappointment in her face. She has so desperately wanted us to be able to have a baby again soon. I knew this wasn't what she wanted to hear.
But little did I know to what lengths my in-laws were willing to go to help us be that much closer to trying for another baby!....
The next day, my in-laws called us up. I came into the room to see my husband sitting there on the phone with a dumbfounded look on his face.
"What is it? What is it?" I asked, bouncing next to him.
"They want to pay in full for our car brakes and new tires." he fumbled out.
"They what?!" I gasped. "But that's a lot of money!"
My husband just nodded.
When he got off the phone, he explained to me that his dad wanted to help pay for our car brakes so that we wouldn't have another financial thing to worry about, and mostly so he could be sure we could be safe driving this winter. Safety for winter perhaps, but I knew the real reason behind the offer.
The man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants to.
Thanks mom-in-law. I guess I never knew how much she really wanted us to have a little Sunshine in our lives.
It had been a terrible day at work, full of the usual borderline slave labor and awful attitudes. So rather than force myself yet again through a day of grinding my teeth, I decided to play sick and go home early. All afternoon, I was in complete bliss as I sat listening to jazz music, drinking coffee, and applying for other jobs. Realizing what a confident boost I got being away from work, feeling relaxation and happiness I hadn't felt nearly all year; I decided that, for my own sanity, it would be best to be "sick" the next day too. So, I croaked out an agonizing phone call to my boss and bought myself another day.
The next day was once again a swirl of coffee, jazz, and new found happiness. Funny how much more confident I felt when I wasn't at work getting battered down constantly. Go figure! Anyway, that same day my mother-in-law was planning on stopping by to drop off a few things she had been meaning to give us (one of my husband's old dressers, and some new pots and pans my brother-in-law's girlfriend wanted to give us). And much to my surprise, we ended up hanging out and talking for a good long while. It was such a nice visit! Ever since we have lost Joey Jr. I feel that my mother-in-law and I have become much closer. More than ever before, I have been able to talk more freely and feel more relaxed around her.
Of course, the hot topic with my mother-in-law has been when my husband and I will be trying for another baby. With a heavy heart, I had to tell her our plans were being put off because of finances. With so many financial obligations, (loans, bills, the car brakes, medical bills...) we just can't afford a baby as soon as we had hoped. It was hard to see the disappointment in her face. She has so desperately wanted us to be able to have a baby again soon. I knew this wasn't what she wanted to hear.
But little did I know to what lengths my in-laws were willing to go to help us be that much closer to trying for another baby!....
The next day, my in-laws called us up. I came into the room to see my husband sitting there on the phone with a dumbfounded look on his face.
"What is it? What is it?" I asked, bouncing next to him.
"They want to pay in full for our car brakes and new tires." he fumbled out.
"They what?!" I gasped. "But that's a lot of money!"
My husband just nodded.
When he got off the phone, he explained to me that his dad wanted to help pay for our car brakes so that we wouldn't have another financial thing to worry about, and mostly so he could be sure we could be safe driving this winter. Safety for winter perhaps, but I knew the real reason behind the offer.
The man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants to.
Thanks mom-in-law. I guess I never knew how much she really wanted us to have a little Sunshine in our lives.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Post 13...Remember when
Remember back in the day when you could have a baby, buy everyone a round of cigars, take yourself out for a nice dinner afterwards, and still have change from the nickel?....Me neither. And although the medical bills we got from the hospital are manageable, it's still a hefty chunk of change!
For nearly a year, we had been building up our savings so that I could have been out with the baby for a year after birth. But since the medical bills have been rolling in after the miscarriage, we've been watching our savings shrink away. It of course didn't help to have my hours cut after coming back to work from the miscarriage, putting nearly a complete halt on salvaging what remained of our savings. Nothing like going through the worst moment in your life, only to be greeted with: "welcome back! Sorry for your loss. By the way we gave your job to someone else. But hey, we saved you some leftover hours. Just reheat at 350 degrees for the next three months."
Of course, when our financial obligations go up, our car breaks decide to squeal out a big "fuck you" as they remind us of their fair share of our paychecks. We then got notice that our rent was going to go up with our lease renewal as well...this is when I start to smack my head onto the desk and grumble at how much I hate the world.
With a heavy heart, after re-evaluating our financial status, we realized that we aren't going to be able to afford getting pregnant in October like we were hoping. Now with an understanding of what the medical bills will be next time around, and considering I'll have to be out on bed rest for the majority of the pregnancy (meaning we'd have to save more in order to afford me being out of work for so long), getting pregnant as early as October is no longer an option for us it seems. It is so extremely hard to continually have to put off our plans and readjust to life kicking us down every time we try to dust ourselves off and move forward. But once again, we are left with a painful practice in patience.
I hate the waiting game.
Be still my heart and cease repining,
for behind the clouds the sun is still shining,
thy fate is the common fate of all,
and into each life some rain must fall,
some days are dark and dreary.
For nearly a year, we had been building up our savings so that I could have been out with the baby for a year after birth. But since the medical bills have been rolling in after the miscarriage, we've been watching our savings shrink away. It of course didn't help to have my hours cut after coming back to work from the miscarriage, putting nearly a complete halt on salvaging what remained of our savings. Nothing like going through the worst moment in your life, only to be greeted with: "welcome back! Sorry for your loss. By the way we gave your job to someone else. But hey, we saved you some leftover hours. Just reheat at 350 degrees for the next three months."
Of course, when our financial obligations go up, our car breaks decide to squeal out a big "fuck you" as they remind us of their fair share of our paychecks. We then got notice that our rent was going to go up with our lease renewal as well...this is when I start to smack my head onto the desk and grumble at how much I hate the world.
With a heavy heart, after re-evaluating our financial status, we realized that we aren't going to be able to afford getting pregnant in October like we were hoping. Now with an understanding of what the medical bills will be next time around, and considering I'll have to be out on bed rest for the majority of the pregnancy (meaning we'd have to save more in order to afford me being out of work for so long), getting pregnant as early as October is no longer an option for us it seems. It is so extremely hard to continually have to put off our plans and readjust to life kicking us down every time we try to dust ourselves off and move forward. But once again, we are left with a painful practice in patience.
I hate the waiting game.
Be still my heart and cease repining,
for behind the clouds the sun is still shining,
thy fate is the common fate of all,
and into each life some rain must fall,
some days are dark and dreary.
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