On Saturday my husband and I went to the Puyallup Fair and it was there I learned an important parenting lesson: never bring a big fatty stroller to a crowded event! I don't know why so many mom's insist on bringing the hummer of all strollers to such crowded events, but there they were. Cramming their way through swarms of people, I watched mom after mom angrily thrash their stroller this way and that. But I can't say I felt much sympathy. Why on Earth they would need to bring their entire baby nursery with them to a day fair is beyond me! I mean, I understand that mom's need to bring the essentials (diapers, bottles, baby powder, a spare set of clothes...), but did they really need to bring an entire months worth of diapers, stuffed animals, and everything short of the crib?! I swear, strollers have gotten bigger over the years. Although they seem very safe and luxurious, I sometimes wonder if people really need an excuse to haul around more crap. Not to mention, it looked far more stressful trying to navigate through the crowds with a huge stroller. When we have a baby, I would not bother bringing the stroller to those kind of events. Well...I would be hesitant to bring a baby at all to a big event full of people primarily because of all the germs! Every big event now seems to be followed up with some report of a death plague going around, compliments to H1N1 and other super bugs going around. Anyway, if I did bring my baby to a crowded event, I would just carry them around in a baby bjorn and have a diaper bag on the side. Done and done! I mean, c'mon! Baby's are already travel sized for your convenience. Why make it any more complicated?
On a different subject, my UTI seems to be doing much better! No more discomfort! I'll be finishing up the last of my meds for it by the end of the week so thank goodness for that. Otherwise I can't really say if I'm feeling any symptoms of pregnancy yet. In fact, for the most part, both my husband and I are kinda thinking we're not pregnant this time round. We're not really sure why. Perhaps it's because last month threw us off so much. But for the moment, we're not really convinced. I'm having some symptoms that were a lot like the last pregnancy but it could just as easily be menstrual symptoms as well. I've been breaking out, bloating, on and off cramping, moodiness/emotional, tired, breast achiness, and occasionally headachy (except for the time we were visiting our friends up in Bellingham and I had a sudden migraine that came in for no reason and lasted all night!). If I go off of my last cycle (and assume if I was actually on time for the first time in months!) my period should have started yesterday. I've had some cramping like I'm going to start any minute now, but so far nothing has come. It could be that it'll show up a week late like it has been, but I won't know until that time comes, or until we test. So just like before, I have no freak'n clue! In some ways, I'm kind of grateful that the medication I'm on for the UTI is throwing off my ability to check for pregnancy signs. Since the UTI could be playing a part in some of the things I'm feeling, I can't over analyze them as pregnancy signs. So luckily that's stopping me from psyching myself out.
Still I wait, curious if we're pregnant, scared of next week (Joey's original due date), and happy that answers are at least on the way.
When we were at the fair, at one of the booths we saw a wooden carving of a bear holding up a sign that read: "It's a boy!" My husband nudged me and said it was a sign we were going to have a boy.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Post 29...To Pee or not to Pee
Last night, after a few hours of grocery shopping, I found myself sitting in the doctor's office. For the past week, I have had a growing feeling of bladder pressure that would not go away. Imagine feeling like you really have to pee, but when you go to the bathroom nothing comes out. The feeling kept coming and going all week but wasn't anything too bad. I had my suspicions that it might be a mild UTI, but I thought I might be able to beat it with lots of water and cranberry juice. But last night...oh boy! Right as we were checking out from the grocery store, the feeling hit. Stronger than it had been all week, I felt like I was nearly going to wet myself and yet nothing was coming. Soon, that feeling was coupled with cramping in my lower stomach and nausea. I could take it no longer. Just minutes before the walk-in clinic was about to close, we rushed in (I was literally running) and they got us in right away. After running a few tests, it was just as I suspected. I have a UTI.
Of course, in the back of my mind, I had secretly been hoping that maybe the bladder pressure was from a possible growing uterus. But after that extreme sudden discomfort, I knew it wasn't a baby. We told the doctor that we have been trying to get pregnant, so they made sure to give me meds that are baby safe just in case we are pregnant. Just to check, they ran a urine test to see if I was pregnant. But to no great surprise, it didn't come out positive. It's only my pre-week after all, so it's too early to really be testing.
After we got home, my husband held me in the shower as I cried from extreme discomfort, waiting desperately for the meds to kick in.
So what's the point to all this? Well, I learned an important lesson: apparently there is a bad side to having so much sex. I never knew it but; during sexual intercourse, the bacteria present in the vaginal tract is pushed inside the urethra by the movement of the penis. Who knew there was a down side to having a lot of sex with your husband? Come to think of it though, last time when we got pregnant, the doctor's said I had a mild UTI then too! So I guess it is pretty common.
Well, that's the latest news. I still don't know if I'm pregnant or not. It's hard to feel any symptoms other than the UTI, and it's still too early to test. It would also be hard to believe we're not pregnant after having sex every day this past month! But I suppose it could happen. Only time will tell. At least for now, the medicine I'm on is helping to get rid of that awful feeling! Good bye UTI!
Of course, in the back of my mind, I had secretly been hoping that maybe the bladder pressure was from a possible growing uterus. But after that extreme sudden discomfort, I knew it wasn't a baby. We told the doctor that we have been trying to get pregnant, so they made sure to give me meds that are baby safe just in case we are pregnant. Just to check, they ran a urine test to see if I was pregnant. But to no great surprise, it didn't come out positive. It's only my pre-week after all, so it's too early to really be testing.
After we got home, my husband held me in the shower as I cried from extreme discomfort, waiting desperately for the meds to kick in.
So what's the point to all this? Well, I learned an important lesson: apparently there is a bad side to having so much sex. I never knew it but; during sexual intercourse, the bacteria present in the vaginal tract is pushed inside the urethra by the movement of the penis. Who knew there was a down side to having a lot of sex with your husband? Come to think of it though, last time when we got pregnant, the doctor's said I had a mild UTI then too! So I guess it is pretty common.
Well, that's the latest news. I still don't know if I'm pregnant or not. It's hard to feel any symptoms other than the UTI, and it's still too early to test. It would also be hard to believe we're not pregnant after having sex every day this past month! But I suppose it could happen. Only time will tell. At least for now, the medicine I'm on is helping to get rid of that awful feeling! Good bye UTI!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Post 28...I'm a daddy-to-be and I dance dance dance.
It is a hard life to be a baby dancing daddy. Not really though.
Not a lot to say in the day and the life of a BDD. I haven't had any dreams, or intuitions about my wife being preggo this time around. Then again, I didn't have any until it was closer to the 2-3 month period and even then it was about what gender our baby was. I was right, but still, it doesn't make the pre-preggo or the early preggo times go by any quicker. Not that I'm in any sort of a hurry ;).
I did have this kind of bizarre train of thought though on Monday. I was driving to work (or was it home? I can't remember it is already Thursday :-P) and for some reason, I had a worry if my kids will enjoy doing the things I do, or if they're going to latch on to their mother and not want to have game time with dear ol' daddy. And I went on this tirade well on to the point of thinking things like, "Oh they'd better not ignore me," and "they're going to like games, and baseball and sports and like it...."
But as we all know, we don't have any choice in anything that kids do. So here's hoping they like something about me and want to do stuff like daddy. Even if that is play games in their underwear, wiping pop-tart dust off their tummies when the hot pockets are ready. Or laughing at mommy when she has a bad case of tourettes while playing games. Or making Uncle Andy yell and pout about them licking his leather jacket and getting baby drool in his hair. I might just have to support the kiddo and do the same. He'd certainly kill me xD. Though, the hilarity that would ensue would certainly make a kid of mine happy to be around family.
Not a lot to say in the day and the life of a BDD. I haven't had any dreams, or intuitions about my wife being preggo this time around. Then again, I didn't have any until it was closer to the 2-3 month period and even then it was about what gender our baby was. I was right, but still, it doesn't make the pre-preggo or the early preggo times go by any quicker. Not that I'm in any sort of a hurry ;).
I did have this kind of bizarre train of thought though on Monday. I was driving to work (or was it home? I can't remember it is already Thursday :-P) and for some reason, I had a worry if my kids will enjoy doing the things I do, or if they're going to latch on to their mother and not want to have game time with dear ol' daddy. And I went on this tirade well on to the point of thinking things like, "Oh they'd better not ignore me," and "they're going to like games, and baseball and sports and like it...."
But as we all know, we don't have any choice in anything that kids do. So here's hoping they like something about me and want to do stuff like daddy. Even if that is play games in their underwear, wiping pop-tart dust off their tummies when the hot pockets are ready. Or laughing at mommy when she has a bad case of tourettes while playing games. Or making Uncle Andy yell and pout about them licking his leather jacket and getting baby drool in his hair. I might just have to support the kiddo and do the same. He'd certainly kill me xD. Though, the hilarity that would ensue would certainly make a kid of mine happy to be around family.
Post 27...Signs
My husband and I were going on our usual afternoon walk the other day when I came across a small baby blanket. It was sitting in the middle of the walkway, soft and pink, still neatly folded. Picking it up, I scanned the area for it's owner but there was no one else in sight. Carefully unfolding it, I noticed a little stitched detailing in one of the corners. It was a picture of a mom and baby bunny sitting next to the word "Baby". I smiled as I handed it to my husband. "Maybe it's a sign." I jested.
He gave me his usual playful disagreeing face, the one where he lowers his head just slightly and purses his lips. "It's not a sign." He argued.
"Oh?" I said, still teasing him. "I don't know. What are the odds of finding a baby blanket just sitting here in the path of our daily walk? And right around the time we're trying for a baby. Perhaps it is a sign we're going to have a girl." I shot my husband a coy smile.
"Nope, nope. Not a sign!" he protested again.
"It's not a sign because you think it's just a coincident or because it's not a little blue blanket?" I prodded my husband.
He fought back a smile.
"Would it be a sign if it was saying we were having a boy?" I asked.
My husband gave me a single nod. "Yes. If it was a boy's blanket it would be a sign. 'Cause we're gonna have another boy." he finally gave into a full smile and laughed.
I don't know if it really is a sign. It's hard for me to believe in them now after all we've been through. But it was a fun thought to play with. Every now and then this past week I get this sure feeling that I am pregnant, but so quickly it fades. It's so hard to tell at this point. I have had some feeling of pressure in the area of my uterus, and even a slight feeling of pressure on my bladder. But who's to say that isn't just my cycle gearing up? No symptom can clearly be discerned between pregnancy or menstruation. Why can't we have color changing belly buttons or something that tell us for sure when we're pregnant? Sorta like a mood ring to cue us in as soon as conception occurs. No more waiting for tests, no more "oops I drank because I didn't know I was pregnant", no more wondering. But I guess that's what missing a period does. But bother it all! Too many other things can affect the menstruation cycle! If I had a pregnancy mood belly button, nothing else would affect it! It would give me a clear and concise answer.
Although, now I have this mental image of women having magic 8 ball tummies, their husbands shaking them up waiting for an answer to see if they're pregnant.
Answer unclear. Try again later....
He gave me his usual playful disagreeing face, the one where he lowers his head just slightly and purses his lips. "It's not a sign." He argued.
"Oh?" I said, still teasing him. "I don't know. What are the odds of finding a baby blanket just sitting here in the path of our daily walk? And right around the time we're trying for a baby. Perhaps it is a sign we're going to have a girl." I shot my husband a coy smile.
"Nope, nope. Not a sign!" he protested again.
"It's not a sign because you think it's just a coincident or because it's not a little blue blanket?" I prodded my husband.
He fought back a smile.
"Would it be a sign if it was saying we were having a boy?" I asked.
My husband gave me a single nod. "Yes. If it was a boy's blanket it would be a sign. 'Cause we're gonna have another boy." he finally gave into a full smile and laughed.
I don't know if it really is a sign. It's hard for me to believe in them now after all we've been through. But it was a fun thought to play with. Every now and then this past week I get this sure feeling that I am pregnant, but so quickly it fades. It's so hard to tell at this point. I have had some feeling of pressure in the area of my uterus, and even a slight feeling of pressure on my bladder. But who's to say that isn't just my cycle gearing up? No symptom can clearly be discerned between pregnancy or menstruation. Why can't we have color changing belly buttons or something that tell us for sure when we're pregnant? Sorta like a mood ring to cue us in as soon as conception occurs. No more waiting for tests, no more "oops I drank because I didn't know I was pregnant", no more wondering. But I guess that's what missing a period does. But bother it all! Too many other things can affect the menstruation cycle! If I had a pregnancy mood belly button, nothing else would affect it! It would give me a clear and concise answer.
Although, now I have this mental image of women having magic 8 ball tummies, their husbands shaking them up waiting for an answer to see if they're pregnant.
Answer unclear. Try again later....
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Post 26...Hiding from the future
Faster than I had hoped, Joey's original due date is creeping up on us. October 7th is only a couple weeks away and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Since the day we lost him, people have been advising us to plan something for the day he was due. Whether it be a distraction or a celebration of his life, we were told it was not going to be an easy day. Although we've been going strong, trying for another baby and at peace with the loss of Joey; the closer we come to what would have been his due date, the more I feel a growing emptiness in my heart. I expect it will be an emotional day.
Should we spend the day distracting ourselves completely from the pain? Should we embrace the memory of Joey and celebrate what would have been his birthday? After months of tossing around ideas on how we should handle the day, we settled on the idea of mixing both distraction and remembrance. Since our two year wedding anniversary is also coming up, we decided to celebrate that in combination with celebrating Joey and his influence on our lives. That way, we can focus on each other and how this whole experience has brought us closer together. So yesterday we made a reservation to have dinner at the top of the Space Needle on October 7th. We will spend the day in Seattle, shopping and sightseeing, go out to dinner at the Space Needle, and then end the day lighting Joey's memorial candle and maybe look through his pictures. And of course, all day, we will be wearing our special keepsake necklaces that have some of Joey's ashes in them so he can be with us all day. It will be our birthday/anniversary family outing. I'll have to remember to bring lots of travel tissues in my purse that day and avoid wearing any mascara.
As for trying to conceive, there isn't much to report. I've been spending the month with my hips elevated after daily -ahem!-activity, and we're still actively avoiding any alcohol and caffeine. It's hard for me to feel like I'm showing any symptoms. After last months confusion, I have no idea what is seriously a sign of pregnancy and what is just a sign of my hormones on the fritz again. I have had some achiness in my breast from time to time, some mild on and off cramping, occasional headaches, and I have been a bit moody. But I can't say that's any different than any other pre-week. Mostly I've been trying to keep myself busy and distracted with crafts to keep my mind off of the possibilities. After last month's debacle, I don't want to convince myself of anything. As best as I can, I'm trying to assume I'll get my period so as not to delay it with the stress and anticipation of being pregnant. If I miss my period, we won't be testing until after Joey's due date (so we don't over-shadow his day), which might also give my period more time to kick in if it's just running late. And if it doesn't kick in after that date, well then we'll take a test. But for now I have to do my damnedest not to convince myself I'm pregnant otherwise, as last month showed me, I can oh too easily trick my body into responding as such. My only other hope is that the stress of Joey's due date along with the dreaded two week wait for a positive pregnancy test will not affect my cycle. It would epically suck to deal with the loss of my son while building up the hope of a new life, only to find out my body was psyching me out again! I would not handle that well.
As a side note, I bought a book on surviving bed rest. I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm interested to see what it has to offer. Though I might not be on full bed rest (I won't know until I'm in the situation), I figured it would be good to cover all my bases. I'll let you know more as I pick through it.
There isn't much else to say really. I'm scared of how I will handle Joey's due date. I'm scared and excited to see if we're pregnant again. But mostly I'm glad that I don't have to go through it alone. Thank God for my husband! He has been my strongest support through all of this. Through hell and back again...what's one more hurtle?
I can see Sunshine at the end of the tunnel....
Should we spend the day distracting ourselves completely from the pain? Should we embrace the memory of Joey and celebrate what would have been his birthday? After months of tossing around ideas on how we should handle the day, we settled on the idea of mixing both distraction and remembrance. Since our two year wedding anniversary is also coming up, we decided to celebrate that in combination with celebrating Joey and his influence on our lives. That way, we can focus on each other and how this whole experience has brought us closer together. So yesterday we made a reservation to have dinner at the top of the Space Needle on October 7th. We will spend the day in Seattle, shopping and sightseeing, go out to dinner at the Space Needle, and then end the day lighting Joey's memorial candle and maybe look through his pictures. And of course, all day, we will be wearing our special keepsake necklaces that have some of Joey's ashes in them so he can be with us all day. It will be our birthday/anniversary family outing. I'll have to remember to bring lots of travel tissues in my purse that day and avoid wearing any mascara.
As for trying to conceive, there isn't much to report. I've been spending the month with my hips elevated after daily -ahem!-activity, and we're still actively avoiding any alcohol and caffeine. It's hard for me to feel like I'm showing any symptoms. After last months confusion, I have no idea what is seriously a sign of pregnancy and what is just a sign of my hormones on the fritz again. I have had some achiness in my breast from time to time, some mild on and off cramping, occasional headaches, and I have been a bit moody. But I can't say that's any different than any other pre-week. Mostly I've been trying to keep myself busy and distracted with crafts to keep my mind off of the possibilities. After last month's debacle, I don't want to convince myself of anything. As best as I can, I'm trying to assume I'll get my period so as not to delay it with the stress and anticipation of being pregnant. If I miss my period, we won't be testing until after Joey's due date (so we don't over-shadow his day), which might also give my period more time to kick in if it's just running late. And if it doesn't kick in after that date, well then we'll take a test. But for now I have to do my damnedest not to convince myself I'm pregnant otherwise, as last month showed me, I can oh too easily trick my body into responding as such. My only other hope is that the stress of Joey's due date along with the dreaded two week wait for a positive pregnancy test will not affect my cycle. It would epically suck to deal with the loss of my son while building up the hope of a new life, only to find out my body was psyching me out again! I would not handle that well.
As a side note, I bought a book on surviving bed rest. I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm interested to see what it has to offer. Though I might not be on full bed rest (I won't know until I'm in the situation), I figured it would be good to cover all my bases. I'll let you know more as I pick through it.
There isn't much else to say really. I'm scared of how I will handle Joey's due date. I'm scared and excited to see if we're pregnant again. But mostly I'm glad that I don't have to go through it alone. Thank God for my husband! He has been my strongest support through all of this. Through hell and back again...what's one more hurtle?
I can see Sunshine at the end of the tunnel....
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Post 25...Fall into the season
Summer threw down the gauntlet and lost to an early Fall. As Fall has slowly moved its way in, bringing with it rainier days and brisk morning air, it has also welcomed in great food and wonderful company. And though I am not working right now, I am still finding lots of ways to keep busy. In between cooking, hitting the gym, going on walks with my husband, reading, and doing crafts, I've been preparing my life once again for having a baby.
A couple days ago we announced to my husband's family that we were now trying again and they seem very exited about it (my family found out earlier via my blog! ^_^). It's nice to know that the family seems ready and excited for us to be trying again. I had some reservations as to whether or not the families would be ready for us to try again so soon. It has only been about four months since the loss, so I worried they would think it was too soon. But the bottom line came down to how we felt. It is our baby and our decision. So all other people's opinions aside, we knew we were ready.
Yesterday I had some spotting again. With the way my cycles have been, it could be anything at this point. It could be implantation spotting, it could be random mid cycle spotting, or who knows! I could even start my period any second now for all I know! But either way, I'm not going to read into it too much. It was just something to note.
Along with preparing myself for pregnancy, I have been trying to keep my stress levels in check. But doing so has proven to be more difficult then I thought due to recent family drama. So far I've been doing okay, but things are getting sticky. You see, about a month ago we found out that my brother and his wife are getting a divorce. Without going into messy detail; there are now custody issues going on with their son that are driving me nuts! Anyway, (I'm trying so hard right now not to go into all the gossip...) my family is getting engrossed in the whole issue and I'm trying to help in my own way while not getting caught up in the middle of the drama. I worry that if I don't contribute in every possible extent that my family will think I'm not being supportive enough or caring enough. But really, at this point in my life I am trying to focus on healing from the loss and the depression I've gone through. I know it's been months since we lost Joey, but it can still be a challenge at times. Since the loss, I have been on the go and have had little time to adjust. And now that we're trying again, there is a whole new wave of emotions and change to adjust to. I don't mean to sound selfish, and of course I want to help when I am available to. But it reminds me too much of the last time we tried to get pregnant. As we were dealing with life changing events, family drama continued on as normal, and sometimes overshadowing some of our biggest moments. Like my dream the other day, everyone keeps going in circles as I stand along the sidelines trying to clean up the mess in my life. Unfortunately the issues of my brother's marriage are nothing new. And though I am extremely excited that his wife will no longer be an active part of our family, the problems are not done yet. Round and around they go, always the same issues, only now with a promise of an illusive divorce in the future. So what now? How do I find the desire to help when the issues are making little progress and are demanding even more attention? Excuse me as I beat my head against the wall.
Well, at any rate, I'm trying hard to keep the goals of my life in sight. My husband and I are getting increasingly excited about getting pregnant again and, regardless of what is happening with family drama, that's our primary focus right now. It's a scary new time of life and thank God we have each other to lean on. Bendy trees (see post 21 in Preparing for Pickle if you want to get the reference).
"(Sunshine), you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out!"-Dead Poets Society
A couple days ago we announced to my husband's family that we were now trying again and they seem very exited about it (my family found out earlier via my blog! ^_^). It's nice to know that the family seems ready and excited for us to be trying again. I had some reservations as to whether or not the families would be ready for us to try again so soon. It has only been about four months since the loss, so I worried they would think it was too soon. But the bottom line came down to how we felt. It is our baby and our decision. So all other people's opinions aside, we knew we were ready.
Yesterday I had some spotting again. With the way my cycles have been, it could be anything at this point. It could be implantation spotting, it could be random mid cycle spotting, or who knows! I could even start my period any second now for all I know! But either way, I'm not going to read into it too much. It was just something to note.
Along with preparing myself for pregnancy, I have been trying to keep my stress levels in check. But doing so has proven to be more difficult then I thought due to recent family drama. So far I've been doing okay, but things are getting sticky. You see, about a month ago we found out that my brother and his wife are getting a divorce. Without going into messy detail; there are now custody issues going on with their son that are driving me nuts! Anyway, (I'm trying so hard right now not to go into all the gossip...) my family is getting engrossed in the whole issue and I'm trying to help in my own way while not getting caught up in the middle of the drama. I worry that if I don't contribute in every possible extent that my family will think I'm not being supportive enough or caring enough. But really, at this point in my life I am trying to focus on healing from the loss and the depression I've gone through. I know it's been months since we lost Joey, but it can still be a challenge at times. Since the loss, I have been on the go and have had little time to adjust. And now that we're trying again, there is a whole new wave of emotions and change to adjust to. I don't mean to sound selfish, and of course I want to help when I am available to. But it reminds me too much of the last time we tried to get pregnant. As we were dealing with life changing events, family drama continued on as normal, and sometimes overshadowing some of our biggest moments. Like my dream the other day, everyone keeps going in circles as I stand along the sidelines trying to clean up the mess in my life. Unfortunately the issues of my brother's marriage are nothing new. And though I am extremely excited that his wife will no longer be an active part of our family, the problems are not done yet. Round and around they go, always the same issues, only now with a promise of an illusive divorce in the future. So what now? How do I find the desire to help when the issues are making little progress and are demanding even more attention? Excuse me as I beat my head against the wall.
Well, at any rate, I'm trying hard to keep the goals of my life in sight. My husband and I are getting increasingly excited about getting pregnant again and, regardless of what is happening with family drama, that's our primary focus right now. It's a scary new time of life and thank God we have each other to lean on. Bendy trees (see post 21 in Preparing for Pickle if you want to get the reference).
"(Sunshine), you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out!"-Dead Poets Society
Post 24...Dreaming of yesterday
On Saturday night, I had a dream that woke me up in near tears....
I was in a school gym, the kind with the classic bright glossy wooden floors and no windows, and there were dozens of people skating around in a circle like at a skating rink. As I skated around by myself, I realized that all the people were people I know from different times of my life. Friends from high school, old co-workers, my husband's friends, family members from both my side and my husband's; all of them were skating around and around, laughing and talking to one another and yet is seemed like no one even noticed I was there.
As time went on, I started to feel sad and lonely, unsure why no one wanted to even recognize my presence. But as I went from group to group trying to capture someone's attention, something on the sidelines caught my eye. With a jolting stop, I broke free from the crowds and skated up to a table that stood near the exit door. There stood my mother-in-law frantically trying to clean up a pile of ash that was scattered across the tabletop. Before I even reached the table where she stood, I immediately noticed Joey's little urn tipped over on its side, the top of it open...it was his ashes on the table. With a horrified scream, I pushed my mother-in-law aside, causing her to fall to the floor. For a brief moment I stood petrified as I looked down at the mess before me. My mother-in-law crawled back over and again tried to clean up the ashes as she was crying and mumbling to herself "I can fix it, I can fix it!". I took one look at her fist full of ash, dusty and white with a handful of my son, and snatched her up by her wrists. "Don't you dare touch him!" I screamed, my voice sounding nearly unrecognizable in its strain, "I am his mother! It is MY job to clean him up! You don't get to touch him!" Violently I shook her hands until she let go of the handful of ash and I pushed her aside again. At this point, I noticed that my mother had broken out of the crowd of skaters, as did my brother-in-law. They stood there behind me, watching with pity etched in their faces. I looked over my shoulder at them, hunched over the ashes of my son, holding him greedily against my chest. My gaze darted around the room. "Why don't they stop?!" I cried as I looked at the crowd of skaters. "Don't they care? Doesn't anybody care? This is my son! Why don't they stop?!" My brother-in-law rested his hands on our mothers' shoulders, gently keeping them in place. I looked into his eyes as tears dropped from mine. Without any words spoken between us but just exchanged glances, I asked him where my husband was. He is at the store but he will be back soon, was his silent reply.
Falling to my knees, I turned my attention back to the ashes on the table. With an index card that I now had in my hand, I gently tried to gather together the ashes and scoop them back into Joey's urn. The bright gold of his urn now looked faded and dull. I tried to wipe it clean with my thumb, but it only left a streak of greasy soot. In near hysteria, I sat there crying.
It was then I felt the warmth of the sun as a beam of sunlight shown down on me in the windowless room. I looked up to try and find it's source, but the light was too bright to see beyond its brilliance. Though everyone in the room continued to go around in their oblivious circles, the room seemed to fade away and almost freeze in time. I was alone in this light, removed from time and existence. And yet, I wasn't alone. As my head rested against the table, my hands covered in ash, my face streaked with tears, I felt a small hand on my shoulder.
"It's okay Momma. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere."
Startled, I looked up. There stood a small boy who looked maybe two years of age. He had dark golden/brown hair, green eyes, and a soft chubbier version of my husband's face...except the nose; it looked like my nose.
"Joey?" the name caught in my throat.
He nodded with a playful scrunch to his nose and an broad smile.
"But..."
Joey reached his hand out and softly wiped away the tears on my cheeks. "It's okay Momma." he said again. His voice was so young and yet there was so much maturity behind his words. "I'm in a better place right now." As he spoke, I could see my brother-in-law and mothers moving their mouths to the words "in a better place right now" like drones; emotionless.
"No! I don't want you in a better place! I want you here! Here with me! Joey, don't leave me! I want you here!" I grabbed him into a tight hug.
Joey giggled, "I know Momma, but I'm not leaving you. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here with you. Being in the better place doesn't really mean I'm going away." He smiled at me, his eyes sparkling. My God he was beautiful. "I get to play there!" He said with excitement. "They have all sorts of toys!"
I couldn't help but chuckle a little. I held my hand against his face. "I'm glad." I whispered.
"Besides," he continued, "They're just ashes Momma."
"What?" I asked, looking down at the pile of ash on the table. But when I looked back up, he was gone. "Joey?!" I called out, as I heard his words echo away, "They're just ashes Momma...."
All the sounds of the gym came flooding back. I looked up to see the people still going around and around in circles, clueless to what I had just experienced. I saw the pity on my family's faces and I almost hated them for it. I didn't want their pity. I wanted things to be different.
"Joey!" I screamed, "Come back!" I could see my family shifting uncomfortably in their stance.
But a soft echo called back only for my ears to hear; "I'm not gone Mama. Everything is okay. I'm okay. They're just ashes."
I woke up that night with Joey's words echoing in my head. He's okay....everything is okay. I don't know if it was a sign, if I really talked with Joey, or perhaps it was just a dream. Maybe I needed Joey's permission most of all to try again for another baby. I have been struggling with feelings of guilt lately, wondering if Joey would be upset that we were trying for another baby. Perhaps by knowing he's okay, I can feel better about moving on and trying again. Who knows. But at least it is nice to think he's in a good place right now. I didn't wake up feeling hopeful that night. In fact, I woke up still clinging to the sad reality that I had lost him. But in time, the message of the dream stood out stronger. Joey, my little boy, my son...no matter how or why I dreamt it, I know he's safe and happy.
I was in a school gym, the kind with the classic bright glossy wooden floors and no windows, and there were dozens of people skating around in a circle like at a skating rink. As I skated around by myself, I realized that all the people were people I know from different times of my life. Friends from high school, old co-workers, my husband's friends, family members from both my side and my husband's; all of them were skating around and around, laughing and talking to one another and yet is seemed like no one even noticed I was there.
As time went on, I started to feel sad and lonely, unsure why no one wanted to even recognize my presence. But as I went from group to group trying to capture someone's attention, something on the sidelines caught my eye. With a jolting stop, I broke free from the crowds and skated up to a table that stood near the exit door. There stood my mother-in-law frantically trying to clean up a pile of ash that was scattered across the tabletop. Before I even reached the table where she stood, I immediately noticed Joey's little urn tipped over on its side, the top of it open...it was his ashes on the table. With a horrified scream, I pushed my mother-in-law aside, causing her to fall to the floor. For a brief moment I stood petrified as I looked down at the mess before me. My mother-in-law crawled back over and again tried to clean up the ashes as she was crying and mumbling to herself "I can fix it, I can fix it!". I took one look at her fist full of ash, dusty and white with a handful of my son, and snatched her up by her wrists. "Don't you dare touch him!" I screamed, my voice sounding nearly unrecognizable in its strain, "I am his mother! It is MY job to clean him up! You don't get to touch him!" Violently I shook her hands until she let go of the handful of ash and I pushed her aside again. At this point, I noticed that my mother had broken out of the crowd of skaters, as did my brother-in-law. They stood there behind me, watching with pity etched in their faces. I looked over my shoulder at them, hunched over the ashes of my son, holding him greedily against my chest. My gaze darted around the room. "Why don't they stop?!" I cried as I looked at the crowd of skaters. "Don't they care? Doesn't anybody care? This is my son! Why don't they stop?!" My brother-in-law rested his hands on our mothers' shoulders, gently keeping them in place. I looked into his eyes as tears dropped from mine. Without any words spoken between us but just exchanged glances, I asked him where my husband was. He is at the store but he will be back soon, was his silent reply.
Falling to my knees, I turned my attention back to the ashes on the table. With an index card that I now had in my hand, I gently tried to gather together the ashes and scoop them back into Joey's urn. The bright gold of his urn now looked faded and dull. I tried to wipe it clean with my thumb, but it only left a streak of greasy soot. In near hysteria, I sat there crying.
It was then I felt the warmth of the sun as a beam of sunlight shown down on me in the windowless room. I looked up to try and find it's source, but the light was too bright to see beyond its brilliance. Though everyone in the room continued to go around in their oblivious circles, the room seemed to fade away and almost freeze in time. I was alone in this light, removed from time and existence. And yet, I wasn't alone. As my head rested against the table, my hands covered in ash, my face streaked with tears, I felt a small hand on my shoulder.
"It's okay Momma. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere."
Startled, I looked up. There stood a small boy who looked maybe two years of age. He had dark golden/brown hair, green eyes, and a soft chubbier version of my husband's face...except the nose; it looked like my nose.
"Joey?" the name caught in my throat.
He nodded with a playful scrunch to his nose and an broad smile.
"But..."
Joey reached his hand out and softly wiped away the tears on my cheeks. "It's okay Momma." he said again. His voice was so young and yet there was so much maturity behind his words. "I'm in a better place right now." As he spoke, I could see my brother-in-law and mothers moving their mouths to the words "in a better place right now" like drones; emotionless.
"No! I don't want you in a better place! I want you here! Here with me! Joey, don't leave me! I want you here!" I grabbed him into a tight hug.
Joey giggled, "I know Momma, but I'm not leaving you. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here with you. Being in the better place doesn't really mean I'm going away." He smiled at me, his eyes sparkling. My God he was beautiful. "I get to play there!" He said with excitement. "They have all sorts of toys!"
I couldn't help but chuckle a little. I held my hand against his face. "I'm glad." I whispered.
"Besides," he continued, "They're just ashes Momma."
"What?" I asked, looking down at the pile of ash on the table. But when I looked back up, he was gone. "Joey?!" I called out, as I heard his words echo away, "They're just ashes Momma...."
All the sounds of the gym came flooding back. I looked up to see the people still going around and around in circles, clueless to what I had just experienced. I saw the pity on my family's faces and I almost hated them for it. I didn't want their pity. I wanted things to be different.
"Joey!" I screamed, "Come back!" I could see my family shifting uncomfortably in their stance.
But a soft echo called back only for my ears to hear; "I'm not gone Mama. Everything is okay. I'm okay. They're just ashes."
I woke up that night with Joey's words echoing in my head. He's okay....everything is okay. I don't know if it was a sign, if I really talked with Joey, or perhaps it was just a dream. Maybe I needed Joey's permission most of all to try again for another baby. I have been struggling with feelings of guilt lately, wondering if Joey would be upset that we were trying for another baby. Perhaps by knowing he's okay, I can feel better about moving on and trying again. Who knows. But at least it is nice to think he's in a good place right now. I didn't wake up feeling hopeful that night. In fact, I woke up still clinging to the sad reality that I had lost him. But in time, the message of the dream stood out stronger. Joey, my little boy, my son...no matter how or why I dreamt it, I know he's safe and happy.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Post 23...The Baby Dance
One of the best parts about trying for a baby is the trying part! Like last time, we have decided to go at it at least once a day for the first two weeks of my cycle and then every other day for the last two weeks. Every day since we started trying on Monday...oh my I forgot how I've missed trying! Honestly I feel like every couple should try to have sex at least once every day for a month. It really does keep things fun, it brings you close, and I swear it helps with stress levels! I have been feeling so incredibly relaxed these past few days.
Of course, it also helps that, since we decided to start trying for another baby, we figured it was kind of pointless for me to apply for jobs since I'll just have to leave them in a month or two because of the pregnancy. So now I am officially free of the obligations of work! There is of course a worry in the back of my mind about money but I'm choosing to leave it there, way way back in my mind behind the list of home repairs that need to be done, and the thoughts of where I'll work after my year out with the baby. They are troubles for another day. For once we're jumping in without having everything planned out in immaculate detail. But if there is one thing our last pregnancy taught us it is that we can't plan for everything. Going against years of practice, I'm going to do my best not to worry about the money and focus more on what my heart desires.
Anyway, back to trying for a baby...Yay for sex! It never ceases to amaze me how many women will turn trying for a baby into a lab experiment! In between charting their body temperature, their cervical mucus, counting out the days for when they ovulate, taking ovulating predictor tests just to be sure, and not allowing her guy to go off until that one night when the stars align so he can fill out her maximum capacity....holy smokes! Where is the fun and romance in that?! The added stress of all that is not going to help a woman's chances of conceiving. If anything, it will hurt their chances! Look, it's not that hard. Have lots of sex and enjoy it! And if worst case scenario you don't get pregnant, at least you had a lot of fun trying. Besides, sex is a big part of a healthy marriage. One of my favorite quotes is: life is sexually transmitted.
The one that rhymes with duck
Shag
Bang
Making the two backed beast
Screw
Knocking boots
Bone
Getting some (action)
Nail
Nookie
Lay
Bow-chika-bow-wow
Intercourse
Bumpin' uglies
Do
Mount
Getting lucky
Play
Rock the house
Fool/mess around
Tap
Drill
Go somewhere and "park"
Hump
Go all the way
Deflower
Do the deed
Doing the nasty
Getting busy
Going at it
Hanky-panky
Plug
Ride
Boink
Horizontal hokey pokey
Jump his/her bones
Organ grinding
Please
Relations
The ol' heave ho
Tumble
Going to bed with
Home run
Monkey/Funny business
Plant my seed
Poke
Quickie
Smash
Tango
Parking the car in the garage
Putting the hot dog in the bun
Banging headboards
Love is like math....me + you then divide the legs = lets multiply!
Of course, it also helps that, since we decided to start trying for another baby, we figured it was kind of pointless for me to apply for jobs since I'll just have to leave them in a month or two because of the pregnancy. So now I am officially free of the obligations of work! There is of course a worry in the back of my mind about money but I'm choosing to leave it there, way way back in my mind behind the list of home repairs that need to be done, and the thoughts of where I'll work after my year out with the baby. They are troubles for another day. For once we're jumping in without having everything planned out in immaculate detail. But if there is one thing our last pregnancy taught us it is that we can't plan for everything. Going against years of practice, I'm going to do my best not to worry about the money and focus more on what my heart desires.
Anyway, back to trying for a baby...Yay for sex! It never ceases to amaze me how many women will turn trying for a baby into a lab experiment! In between charting their body temperature, their cervical mucus, counting out the days for when they ovulate, taking ovulating predictor tests just to be sure, and not allowing her guy to go off until that one night when the stars align so he can fill out her maximum capacity....holy smokes! Where is the fun and romance in that?! The added stress of all that is not going to help a woman's chances of conceiving. If anything, it will hurt their chances! Look, it's not that hard. Have lots of sex and enjoy it! And if worst case scenario you don't get pregnant, at least you had a lot of fun trying. Besides, sex is a big part of a healthy marriage. One of my favorite quotes is: life is sexually transmitted.
The one that rhymes with duck
Shag
Bang
Making the two backed beast
Screw
Knocking boots
Bone
Getting some (action)
Nail
Nookie
Lay
Bow-chika-bow-wow
Intercourse
Bumpin' uglies
Do
Mount
Getting lucky
Play
Rock the house
Fool/mess around
Tap
Drill
Go somewhere and "park"
Hump
Go all the way
Deflower
Do the deed
Doing the nasty
Getting busy
Going at it
Hanky-panky
Plug
Ride
Boink
Horizontal hokey pokey
Jump his/her bones
Organ grinding
Please
Relations
The ol' heave ho
Tumble
Going to bed with
Home run
Monkey/Funny business
Plant my seed
Poke
Quickie
Smash
Tango
Parking the car in the garage
Putting the hot dog in the bun
Banging headboards
Love is like math....me + you then divide the legs = lets multiply!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Post 22...Remembering Hope
How did I get from there to here?....
Yesterday morning, we were on our way to have coffee with one of my old high school friends that I hadn't seen in nearly four years. Since the last time we had seen each other, we now had husbands to introduce, work stories to tell, and in their case, an expected baby due this winter. Though I was excited to see my friend from years ago, I was absolutely nervous to see her pregnant. With her being about 26 weeks along, 6 weeks further than I was before the miscarriage, I had no idea how I was going to handle seeing her pregnant and happy. It's one thing to see strangers pregnant but a whole different thing seeing a friend pregnant. Not to mention, when she first posted pictures of their sonogram online, it was only days after our miscarriage. It was extremely hard at the time to see their excitement.
For the entire car ride there, I nervously sat in silence wondering how I was going to handle this reunion. It was only a week ago after all since we found out we weren't pregnant again like we had been hoping. The week had been rough emotionally, but we recovered fairly quickly. I think that, once my period came in that day, it was finally closure for the situation. Although it wasn't the end we wanted, having my period rather than missing it completely was still the better of two bad endings. If we weren't pregnant, at least my body was having another cycle, giving me the third and final cycle I needed to safely start trying again (according to doctor recommendation). Anyway; with support from each other, openly communicating everyday, my husband and I pulled out of our disappointment with a sliver of hope still intact, and so we moved on.
After a quiet car ride, we sat in the cafe, waiting in a fog of my tension. But finally the moment came. There she stood smiling, with her pregnant tummy popping out a little from her jacket, her husband standing proudly next to her. For a brief moment, I felt a twinge of envy. There was a short time where we were in their shoes, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't give to still be there. But as the reunion continued, that twinge of envy began to fade away; I was genuinely excited for them. As we shared pregnancy stories, I realized I was happy to talk about the fun memories of when I was pregnant. It was no longer about the loss as it was about the experience of being pregnant. And although I've been able to do this before with other people, it was different doing so with another pregnant couple.
As we drove away from the cafe after saying our goodbyes, a growing excitement came over us. It was almost like passing the final test. We had just spent the last couple hours talking with an expecting couple about pregnancy and we walked away without a single shred of sadness. Yes we still miss Joey, and we always will. And there are times when it is harder then others to remember that he is gone. But we realized we have been to hell and back and still found a way to find happiness and new hope. We have lived through one of the worst things imaginable, and we still found life on the other side. There is no other way to explain it without sounding a bit preachy, but in any case, our experience at the cafe told us we are ready to move forward.
Up to this point, we had been planning to start trying in October. But since three full periods had passed, and through discussion we realized we were ready, we decided to start trying again. Last night, for the first time, we tried for Sunshine. I was very nervous so it took me a little while to get in the mood for things. Obviously we have had unprotected sex plenty of times before in the past couple months, but once we labeled it "trying" it was a little harder to push past my nervous excitement. But being the patient and yet persistent lover that my husband is, he found a way to get me caught up in the moment and suddenly "trying" wasn't so hard.
So here we go once again. Like last time, we are trying a month earlier than we had planned, but at a time that feels right in our hearts. I am absolutely scared in some ways and I have no idea how we'll really pull everything off. But I have confidence in our resourcefulness, and know that we will do everything within our power to have a successful pregnancy and to be the best parent's we could possibly be. I pray to God that things will go better then last time, but at least, as I have seen from this last experience; no matter how painful it can be, life does continue on.
With a hope and a prayer, we are officially trying for Sunshine.
Yesterday morning, we were on our way to have coffee with one of my old high school friends that I hadn't seen in nearly four years. Since the last time we had seen each other, we now had husbands to introduce, work stories to tell, and in their case, an expected baby due this winter. Though I was excited to see my friend from years ago, I was absolutely nervous to see her pregnant. With her being about 26 weeks along, 6 weeks further than I was before the miscarriage, I had no idea how I was going to handle seeing her pregnant and happy. It's one thing to see strangers pregnant but a whole different thing seeing a friend pregnant. Not to mention, when she first posted pictures of their sonogram online, it was only days after our miscarriage. It was extremely hard at the time to see their excitement.
For the entire car ride there, I nervously sat in silence wondering how I was going to handle this reunion. It was only a week ago after all since we found out we weren't pregnant again like we had been hoping. The week had been rough emotionally, but we recovered fairly quickly. I think that, once my period came in that day, it was finally closure for the situation. Although it wasn't the end we wanted, having my period rather than missing it completely was still the better of two bad endings. If we weren't pregnant, at least my body was having another cycle, giving me the third and final cycle I needed to safely start trying again (according to doctor recommendation). Anyway; with support from each other, openly communicating everyday, my husband and I pulled out of our disappointment with a sliver of hope still intact, and so we moved on.
After a quiet car ride, we sat in the cafe, waiting in a fog of my tension. But finally the moment came. There she stood smiling, with her pregnant tummy popping out a little from her jacket, her husband standing proudly next to her. For a brief moment, I felt a twinge of envy. There was a short time where we were in their shoes, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't give to still be there. But as the reunion continued, that twinge of envy began to fade away; I was genuinely excited for them. As we shared pregnancy stories, I realized I was happy to talk about the fun memories of when I was pregnant. It was no longer about the loss as it was about the experience of being pregnant. And although I've been able to do this before with other people, it was different doing so with another pregnant couple.
As we drove away from the cafe after saying our goodbyes, a growing excitement came over us. It was almost like passing the final test. We had just spent the last couple hours talking with an expecting couple about pregnancy and we walked away without a single shred of sadness. Yes we still miss Joey, and we always will. And there are times when it is harder then others to remember that he is gone. But we realized we have been to hell and back and still found a way to find happiness and new hope. We have lived through one of the worst things imaginable, and we still found life on the other side. There is no other way to explain it without sounding a bit preachy, but in any case, our experience at the cafe told us we are ready to move forward.
Up to this point, we had been planning to start trying in October. But since three full periods had passed, and through discussion we realized we were ready, we decided to start trying again. Last night, for the first time, we tried for Sunshine. I was very nervous so it took me a little while to get in the mood for things. Obviously we have had unprotected sex plenty of times before in the past couple months, but once we labeled it "trying" it was a little harder to push past my nervous excitement. But being the patient and yet persistent lover that my husband is, he found a way to get me caught up in the moment and suddenly "trying" wasn't so hard.
So here we go once again. Like last time, we are trying a month earlier than we had planned, but at a time that feels right in our hearts. I am absolutely scared in some ways and I have no idea how we'll really pull everything off. But I have confidence in our resourcefulness, and know that we will do everything within our power to have a successful pregnancy and to be the best parent's we could possibly be. I pray to God that things will go better then last time, but at least, as I have seen from this last experience; no matter how painful it can be, life does continue on.
With a hope and a prayer, we are officially trying for Sunshine.
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