Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Post 26...Hiding from the future

Faster than I had hoped, Joey's original due date is creeping up on us. October 7th is only a couple weeks away and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Since the day we lost him, people have been advising us to plan something for the day he was due. Whether it be a distraction or a celebration of his life, we were told it was not going to be an easy day. Although we've been going strong, trying for another baby and at peace with the loss of Joey; the closer we come to what would have been his due date, the more I feel a growing emptiness in my heart. I expect it will be an emotional day.

Should we spend the day distracting ourselves completely from the pain? Should we embrace the memory of Joey and celebrate what would have been his birthday? After months of tossing around ideas on how we should handle the day, we settled on the idea of mixing both distraction and remembrance. Since our two year wedding anniversary is also coming up, we decided to celebrate that in combination with celebrating Joey and his influence on our lives. That way, we can focus on each other and how this whole experience has brought us closer together. So yesterday we made a reservation to have dinner at the top of the Space Needle on October 7th. We will spend the day in Seattle, shopping and sightseeing, go out to dinner at the Space Needle, and then end the day lighting Joey's memorial candle and maybe look through his pictures. And of course, all day, we will be wearing our special keepsake necklaces that have some of Joey's ashes in them so he can be with us all day. It will be our birthday/anniversary family outing. I'll have to remember to bring lots of travel tissues in my purse that day and avoid wearing any mascara.

As for trying to conceive, there isn't much to report. I've been spending the month with my hips elevated after daily -ahem!-activity, and we're still actively avoiding any alcohol and caffeine. It's hard for me to feel like I'm showing any symptoms. After last months confusion, I have no idea what is seriously a sign of pregnancy and what is just a sign of my hormones on the fritz again. I have had some achiness in my breast from time to time, some mild on and off cramping, occasional headaches, and I have been a bit moody. But I can't say that's any different than any other pre-week. Mostly I've been trying to keep myself busy and distracted with crafts to keep my mind off of the possibilities. After last month's debacle, I don't want to convince myself of anything. As best as I can, I'm trying to assume I'll get my period so as not to delay it with the stress and anticipation of being pregnant. If I miss my period, we won't be testing until after Joey's due date (so we don't over-shadow his day), which might also give my period more time to kick in if it's just running late. And if it doesn't kick in after that date, well then we'll take a test. But for now I have to do my damnedest not to convince myself I'm pregnant otherwise, as last month showed me, I can oh too easily trick my body into responding as such. My only other hope is that the stress of Joey's due date along with the dreaded two week wait for a positive pregnancy test will not affect my cycle. It would epically suck to deal with the loss of my son while building up the hope of a new life, only to find out my body was psyching me out again! I would not handle that well.

As a side note, I bought a book on surviving bed rest. I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm interested to see what it has to offer. Though I might not be on full bed rest (I won't know until I'm in the situation), I figured it would be good to cover all my bases. I'll let you know more as I pick through it.

There isn't much else to say really. I'm scared of how I will handle Joey's due date. I'm scared and excited to see if we're pregnant again. But mostly I'm glad that I don't have to go through it alone. Thank God for my husband! He has been my strongest support through all of this. Through hell and back again...what's one more hurtle?

I can see Sunshine at the end of the tunnel....

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