Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Post 22...Remembering Hope

How did I get from there to here?....

Yesterday morning, we were on our way to have coffee with one of my old high school friends that I hadn't seen in nearly four years. Since the last time we had seen each other, we now had husbands to introduce, work stories to tell, and in their case, an expected baby due this winter. Though I was excited to see my friend from years ago, I was absolutely nervous to see her pregnant. With her being about 26 weeks along, 6 weeks further than I was before the miscarriage, I had no idea how I was going to handle seeing her pregnant and happy. It's one thing to see strangers pregnant but a whole different thing seeing a friend pregnant. Not to mention, when she first posted pictures of their sonogram online, it was only days after our miscarriage. It was extremely hard at the time to see their excitement.

For the entire car ride there, I nervously sat in silence wondering how I was going to handle this reunion. It was only a week ago after all since we found out we weren't pregnant again like we had been hoping. The week had been rough emotionally, but we recovered fairly quickly. I think that, once my period came in that day, it was finally closure for the situation. Although it wasn't the end we wanted, having my period rather than missing it completely was still the better of two bad endings. If we weren't pregnant, at least my body was having another cycle, giving me the third and final cycle I needed to safely start trying again (according to doctor recommendation). Anyway; with support from each other, openly communicating everyday, my husband and I pulled out of our disappointment with a sliver of hope still intact, and so we moved on.

After a quiet car ride, we sat in the cafe, waiting in a fog of my tension. But finally the moment came. There she stood smiling, with her pregnant tummy popping out a little from her jacket, her husband standing proudly next to her. For a brief moment, I felt a twinge of envy. There was a short time where we were in their shoes, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't give to still be there. But as the reunion continued, that twinge of envy began to fade away; I was genuinely excited for them. As we shared pregnancy stories, I realized I was happy to talk about the fun memories of when I was pregnant. It was no longer about the loss as it was about the experience of being pregnant. And although I've been able to do this before with other people, it was different doing so with another pregnant couple.

As we drove away from the cafe after saying our goodbyes, a growing excitement came over us. It was almost like passing the final test. We had just spent the last couple hours talking with an expecting couple about pregnancy and we walked away without a single shred of sadness. Yes we still miss Joey, and we always will. And there are times when it is harder then others to remember that he is gone. But we realized we have been to hell and back and still found a way to find happiness and new hope. We have lived through one of the worst things imaginable, and we still found life on the other side. There is no other way to explain it without sounding a bit preachy, but in any case, our experience at the cafe told us we are ready to move forward.

Up to this point, we had been planning to start trying in October. But since three full periods had passed, and through discussion we realized we were ready, we decided to start trying again. Last night, for the first time, we tried for Sunshine. I was very nervous so it took me a little while to get in the mood for things. Obviously we have had unprotected sex plenty of times before in the past couple months, but once we labeled it "trying" it was a little harder to push past my nervous excitement. But being the patient and yet persistent lover that my husband is, he found a way to get me caught up in the moment and suddenly "trying" wasn't so hard.

So here we go once again. Like last time, we are trying a month earlier than we had planned, but at a time that feels right in our hearts. I am absolutely scared in some ways and I have no idea how we'll really pull everything off. But I have confidence in our resourcefulness, and know that we will do everything within our power to have a successful pregnancy and to be the best parent's we could possibly be. I pray to God that things will go better then last time, but at least, as I have seen from this last experience; no matter how painful it can be, life does continue on.

With a hope and a prayer, we are officially trying for Sunshine.

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