Summer threw down the gauntlet and lost to an early Fall. As Fall has slowly moved its way in, bringing with it rainier days and brisk morning air, it has also welcomed in great food and wonderful company. And though I am not working right now, I am still finding lots of ways to keep busy. In between cooking, hitting the gym, going on walks with my husband, reading, and doing crafts, I've been preparing my life once again for having a baby.
A couple days ago we announced to my husband's family that we were now trying again and they seem very exited about it (my family found out earlier via my blog! ^_^). It's nice to know that the family seems ready and excited for us to be trying again. I had some reservations as to whether or not the families would be ready for us to try again so soon. It has only been about four months since the loss, so I worried they would think it was too soon. But the bottom line came down to how we felt. It is our baby and our decision. So all other people's opinions aside, we knew we were ready.
Yesterday I had some spotting again. With the way my cycles have been, it could be anything at this point. It could be implantation spotting, it could be random mid cycle spotting, or who knows! I could even start my period any second now for all I know! But either way, I'm not going to read into it too much. It was just something to note.
Along with preparing myself for pregnancy, I have been trying to keep my stress levels in check. But doing so has proven to be more difficult then I thought due to recent family drama. So far I've been doing okay, but things are getting sticky. You see, about a month ago we found out that my brother and his wife are getting a divorce. Without going into messy detail; there are now custody issues going on with their son that are driving me nuts! Anyway, (I'm trying so hard right now not to go into all the gossip...) my family is getting engrossed in the whole issue and I'm trying to help in my own way while not getting caught up in the middle of the drama. I worry that if I don't contribute in every possible extent that my family will think I'm not being supportive enough or caring enough. But really, at this point in my life I am trying to focus on healing from the loss and the depression I've gone through. I know it's been months since we lost Joey, but it can still be a challenge at times. Since the loss, I have been on the go and have had little time to adjust. And now that we're trying again, there is a whole new wave of emotions and change to adjust to. I don't mean to sound selfish, and of course I want to help when I am available to. But it reminds me too much of the last time we tried to get pregnant. As we were dealing with life changing events, family drama continued on as normal, and sometimes overshadowing some of our biggest moments. Like my dream the other day, everyone keeps going in circles as I stand along the sidelines trying to clean up the mess in my life. Unfortunately the issues of my brother's marriage are nothing new. And though I am extremely excited that his wife will no longer be an active part of our family, the problems are not done yet. Round and around they go, always the same issues, only now with a promise of an illusive divorce in the future. So what now? How do I find the desire to help when the issues are making little progress and are demanding even more attention? Excuse me as I beat my head against the wall.
Well, at any rate, I'm trying hard to keep the goals of my life in sight. My husband and I are getting increasingly excited about getting pregnant again and, regardless of what is happening with family drama, that's our primary focus right now. It's a scary new time of life and thank God we have each other to lean on. Bendy trees (see post 21 in Preparing for Pickle if you want to get the reference).
"(Sunshine), you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out!"-Dead Poets Society