Friday, August 27, 2010

Post 20...Spare Change

My God! Life happens so fast, it's hard to keep up with sometimes! I have so many things to catch up on...

For starters; after much debate, many headaches, and way too many agonizing days, I finally quit my job. I gave them two weeks notice, but even two weeks felt like a lifetime. It was the last weeks of their summer program and they were short-staffed, so for the rest of the summer they cut everyone's lunches short. "Short" meaning, only 15 minutes lunches in a 9-10 hour day. Ridiculous. On my last day, they did get me a cake and a card that wished me luck. But when it came to closing time, it was nothing more than a shrug off as they walked away. I can't say I was expecting much, but I have to admit I was a little hurt that I hardly even got so much as a wave goodbye. It was no different than the usual goodbye at the end of a work week, except this time, I knew I wasn't coming back. I had hoped I made more of an impact then that, but I guess my leaving was of little difference to them. But I suppose it just goes to show I made the right choice to leave.

The hardest part was saying goodbye to one of my favorite students. A sweet little girl from Israel who would spend every recess twirling around me and giving me hugs. When I told her it was my last week at the school, she nearly broke into tears.
"Why do you have to leave?" she asked me, her voice wobbling.
"It's time for me to work at a new place. But I can still come to visit sometimes. Would you like that?"
"Yes." she hugged onto my legs.
"It'll be okay. Do you remember the teacher who came to help when I was gone for those few weeks?" I asked her.
She nodded.
"Well, she's going to be your new teacher."
She looked up at me with watery eyes. "I don't want her to be my teacher! I want you to be in our class!" I bent down and she wrapped her arms around me.

I was heartbroken. It was so hard to see how much it was going to affect the children. Even if my co-workers could care less, at least I know I will be missed by the children.

The really odd thing was, later that week, the same little girl came up to me, looked hard at me for a moment, and then exclaimed: "you have a baby in your tummy. It's small right now so your tummy isn't big's another boy like last time." And with a nod of her head she skipped off. I was floored! Not only had I already been wondering if we were pregnant (with all the signs my body had been giving off), but this same little girl was the same one who had predicted my pregnancy last time! She did almost the exact same thing when I later found out I was pregnant with Joey! I wouldn't put it past kids to have that kind of sense, but honestly, it shook me up!

The signs of pregnancy have become harder to ignore. Get ready for TMI but I really want to log all this for future reference. It started off as the light spotting early in the month. My CM then started to ramp up with a mix of white and clear globby discharge. It's lotiony in texture and rather than dry out around my pre-week like normal, it has stayed wet all month. In addition to that, I have been having mild cramping on and off almost since I had the spotting early in the month. I've also had on and off headaches as well. Like last time, I'm breaking out like a teen all over again, and when I lay on my stomach, it feels like laying on a bubble deep in my lower stomach. As the month has gone on, I've been feeling dizzy spells and occasionally lightheaded. Constipation has been a painful reminder of the last pregnancy, and I've been peeing like mad. I've also been unusually thirsty lately. Of course all of this could be explained on a number of things, but the more obvious signs have been my breasts are looking slightly bigger, the areolas bigger and darker, and the veins stand out more. And the biggest sign of all, I am now nearly a week late for my period. Yup...I'd say that's a good sign.

In all my anxiousness, I have already taken two pregnancy tests. The first one I took was on Friday (8/20) in the evening. It was a stupid idea to test late in the evening after I had already diluted my sample with all my water drinking. But I was so excited to find out. Unfortunately though, it came out negative. The second test was Tuesday (8/23) in the morning. I was sure we'd get a result then, but it also came out negative. With two negative tests, I thought perhaps my period was going to start any second, but here I am at the end of the week and still, no period. My guess is I just have to wait for the HCG levels to ramp up before being able to get an accurate reading. So on Monday, we're going to test again, first thing in the morning, in hopes we can finally get our answer. I'm nearly 100% sure we're pregnant at this point. It's hard to ignore all the signs my body is showing. But it will be nice to have the concrete results.

So for now, I'm stuck doing the thing I hate most...waiting. The idea of being pregnant again so soon is absolutely exhilarating. It's hard to describe. It's such a happy sad thing. The thought of it, quite frankly is making me dizzy! I'm so scared of miscarrying again, and so scared not knowing how we'd making things financially work out. At the moment we have no health insurance, and a humble savings. Not to mention, without me working, our savings isn't growing any. I worry that getting pregnant so soon might seem like a dishonor to Joey's memory. But then again, I love the idea of being pregnant. To be carrying another life, to honor the gift Joey gave us. To spend the holidays at home, growing that new little life inside me. It would give us something hopeful to look forward to. And I know that somehow, we'd find a way to make things work out financially. With me being unemployed, we might even qualify for medicaid which would help loads.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the results are. Maybe waiting isn't so bad.

No comments:

Post a Comment