Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Post 47...Through the Grapevine

Well, we were planning on holding off until we had the sonogram before telling our friends about the pregnancy. But yesterday I got a text from a friend saying: "your husband's mom can't keep secrets. She just told me you have a bun in the oven!" At that point, we knew there was no stopping it. So we went online and announced to everyone that the rumors were true, we are pregnant. The amount of love and support from everyone has been overwhelming! Everyone seems to be so happy for us. But I have to admit, having it out there already makes me a little nervous. Of course, my thoughts keep going back to the worry of miscarrying, so now with everyone knowing about the pregnancy, there is more pressure to make sure everything goes well. I know the odds of miscarriage are really low for us, but it can still happen. It's especially hard right now because I'm at that point where I don't feel pregnant. I've had some occasional mild cramping (more of that pulling feeling), and my breasts are still tender from time to time, but that's about it. No nausea, no headaches...nothing! But on the flip side, I have shown no signs of miscarriage either (extreme cramping and bleeding) so I don't know why I worry about that more when everything is saying I'm pregnant. I guess I won't feel sure until I see Sunshine on the monitor, wiggling around like Joey was, seeing the little heart fluttering with life.

For now, I've been taking it really easy. Since the doctor told me to basically sit back and rest so I don't put any other additional stress on my cervix, I've been spending the past couple days sitting in our giant bean bag chair reading books, watching movies, and doing crafts. It's been really hard seeing the sun shining and not being able to go walk in it. And now that I can't lift anything more than 5 lbs (doctor's orders), I'm suddenly realizing how much that limits my daily activity. In just two days time, I have already felt so much guilt putting all the work on my husband. Originally when I thought I would have a few more months before I would have to take it easy, I thought I could ease both of us into our new daily routines. But now, after dropping it on him, I feel terrible that he gets all the grunt work. He has tried to remind me that I'm doing an important job too by growing our baby, but at the moment when I haven't been really feeling pregnant, it just seems like I'm being extremely lazy! It's like I have to treat myself as if I'm sick when I feel perfectly healthy!

To ease my worries and to help me feel more connected, like I'm actually pregnant, my husband suggested I talk to Sunshine during the day. I've been hesitant to let myself get really excited about the pregnancy. It all feels so temporary or like I'm just playing pretend. I've been here before, in the early stages of pregnancy, and things stopped short. So really believing in things progressing further and carrying full term is hard for me. Right now, I worry about the baby making it to the second trimester and from there, my mind is fixed on getting the cerclage. But after's a whole new world for me.

Yesterday I took my husband's advice and tried talking and singing to Sunshine. It did help it to feel more real but that also bumped up the worry of losing him/her. My husband reminded me that, to truly open my heart up to loving this baby, I have to open my heart completely even if that means I am vulnerable to more heartache. He is such a wise man! I want and need this baby to be okay. I need him/her to stick around for the long haul. And I am absolutely terrified of going through another loss. But...I have to love Sunshine completely....I have to try my best to open my heart and trust that things will go better this time.

Twelve more days until I can see little Sunshine. Just twelve more days....Please still be in there little one!

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