Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Post 40...I Hate the Wait!

I am driving myself nuts this morning, analyzing every little change in my body, desperately trying to tell if I'm pregnant or if my period is going to start! So far I'm about 4 days late for a 28 day cycle, but I've been having about a 32-34 day cycle since the miscarriage, so I'm not really "late" yet. If I don't start in the next couple days, we're planning on taking a pregnancy test on Thursday morning and already I've been losing sleep over it. I have been so sure this month that we are pregnant but now that it's coming down to these last few days before either testing or starting my period, I'm second guessing myself right and left!

For the past couple days I've noticed the amount of my cervical mucus has gone down and it feels like my cervix is dropping and hardening, which would point to not being pregnant. But my breasts have still been very achy which could lean towards being pregnant. I've been getting little headaches almost every day (although who's to say that it's not from me stressing myself out over all this), and yesterday when I was up and about I was feeling some more mild cramping and some on and off nausea. I've been bloaty and breaking out but that's nothing new when it comes to this time of the month. I've also been craving big meaty sandwiches (which is what I craved in the last pregnancy) but I can't say it's a clear sign.

So like always, there is not a single thing that loudly declares if I'm pregnant or not. I have to wait and I absolutely hate that with a passion! How am I supposed to easily sit back and wait to see if my body is going to let me down once again or if my whole world is going to lift up with the news of a new baby?!

Why can't my body just give me a clear sign? Why can't it be Thursday already? I keep hoping and praying that things will finally go in our favor when it comes to pregnancy, but all I can do is wait to see if I'll be disappointed again, or if we will finally be welcoming in a new baby into our lives.

The other night dear,
When I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms,
But when I woke dear,
I was mistaken,
And I hung my head and I cried.

You are my Sunshine,
My only Sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are gray,
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't take my Sunshine away.

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