Thursday, December 2, 2010

Post 56...The Observer

Nausea, nausea, and more nausea! I do not remember having this much nausea when I was pregnant with Joey! And unlike the last pregnancy when my morning sickness actually struck me in the morning, my stomach has been twisting up late in the evening, making dinner time a daily battle. Of course, let us not forget my boobs that randomly decided to throb from time to time as if to say; "by the way, we're still growing. Good luck trying to fit into your favorite shirts!" And my stomach that loves to puff up like a Macy's parade balloon when I go to put on my jeans, but then deflates just in time for me to look my pajamas when no one is going to see me.

Honestly I'm making it sound more dramatic than it really is, however, the nausea has been one of the biggest challenges. I never realized how many freak'n chicken nugget commercials there are until now when I can't stomach chicken at all! Whenever a chicken commercial comes on, my husband either changes the channel, or he casually slides his hand over my eyes until it is over. On the flip side, I have been craving anything with a tart vinegar taste! Salt and vinegar chips, mustard on EVERYTHING, sauerkraut, pickles...I told my husband last night that nothing sounded better than a hot dog with mass sauerkraut and extra mustard on it with a side of salt and vinegar chips. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Even though everything tastes kinda wonky right now, it's fun having pregnancy cravings. Because once I get my hands on whatever it is I'm craving, at that moment it becomes the best meal I have ever had in my life! Forget the five star restaurant; give me a mound of sauerkraut!

My mother-in-law seems convinced that the differences between this pregnancy and the last means that we're having a girl this time. I told her it could just be a brother with different tastes, but she said she is set on it being a girl. Right now I have no clue if it's a boy or girl. I haven't really given it much thought. From time to time I recognize that I'm a bit guarded with this pregnancy. I haven't allowed myself to think much about the due date or what it will be like when the baby is here. Last time I was so excited, spending each day day-dreaming of the future, wondering who the baby was and what he would be like. But I just take it one day at a time. I look forward to the next appointment, and I'm curious about how the cerclage will go in January. I see it coming, the surgery, but with little emotion. I see it as an observer; curious if it'll help, hoping it can help keep the baby in full term, wondering how long I'll have with this baby. Of course I want this pregnancy to be the real deal, to be full term, for it to be a child we can raise and watch grow. So I guess, it's not so much that I don't feel any emotion about it, I'm just hesitant still to believe any of it is long term until I see results. I have great hope and confidence that everything will go well with this pregnancy, but last time I had the biggest shock of my life. Some things, you just can't see coming.

We decorated for Christmas this week and a part of me wanted to put up a little stocking for Joey. In some ways, I would love to make the gesture, but in others, I know that I really do have to let go. It would be all too easy to hoard things in his name. I of course will wear his necklace on Christmas and perhaps even light his candle, but as far as stockings go, I think I'll save that for his brothers and sisters. It's bitter sweet knowing that we've got Sunshine with us this Christmas, but if things had gone differently, it would have been Joey here with us. At this point in my life, I can't answer the question: would you change things if you could? Of course, if it were possible, I would love to have Joey here, nearly two months old at this point, with us for his first Christmas. But...if Joey was here, Sunshine wouldn't be. There is no way I would ever do anything to give up Sunshine. He/she may be a mystery to me right now, just a little blip on an ultrasound picture, but he/she is my child none the less! I need Sunshine to be here with us. It's so odd knowing that neither child could exist at the same time. The chain of events that I once wished desperately to change have led me to knew beginnings. Though my son cannot exist at the same time as this new baby in our family, Sunshine could not exist without the loss of Joey. Of course I will never be happy about losing Joey, but I will always be grateful that it brought us Sunshine. Who knows what the next Christmas will bring. But for this Christmas, only two stockings will hang by the fire: mine and my husband's.

Though they cannot exist together,
One cannot be without the other,
One remains here while the other beyond,
Their existence creates an unbreakable bond.

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