They helped me into the wheelchair, the affects of the epidural had made my left leg go soft under pressure. I sat there for a moment as I watched my husband gather up our things from around the room as the nurse stood beside me holding the small bundle of blankets that wrapped around my son. In my lap I clutched hard onto the small blue box the nurse had given me. Inside the box were pictures of him, some medical bracelets, a small blanket, and some cards. As they wheeled me through the halls, I watched through glazed eyes as we passed room after room of crying babies and smiling families. There they sat holding their babies and I held on to my box. I looked down ashamed. I was unable to carry to term like these mothers. I had failed my job as a carrier, as a protector, as a mother. For the next few hours my husband held me close as we lay together on the hospital bed in the recovery room, crying each time we heard the cries and coos of the newborns in the neighboring rooms.
I've always hated the nights where I cannot sleep. It's in the quiet hours of midnight when I can't seem to escape the memories. It has been a long time since I have thought so vividly of that day when we lost Joey, but now that we are pregnant again, I find the images seeping in when I am left to my own thoughts late at night. Even last night, as I stared out the window at the rain falling softly in the lamp light, I felt a surge of panic. Since the pregnancy has been progressing, of course cervical fluids increase too. But since it was the leaking of my amniotic fluid that told me something was wrong in the last pregnancy, I have been weary of any sort of moisture down there. Last night, I wasn't feeling anything even remotely like the leaking of the amniotic fluid which came as more of a gush, but for some reason I was fixated on that thought. I kept getting up to go to the bathroom and check. Of course everything was fine. But as I lay in the darkness of my own thoughts, I finally decided to turn to my husband. Being the ray of hope that he always is, even at 3am, he held me close and let me pour my worries out. And when all was said and done, he reassured me that everything was okay. Last time when we miscarried it was only days before our first appointment with Eastside Medical, where we were going to get the results of the gender. We never did make it to that appointment. Well tomorrow we will finally be going to Eastside Medical for the first time to check on the state of my cervix. I guess somewhere in my mind, I had made the connection and worried myself that we wouldn't make it again.
I'm happy to say that I have had no indication of miscarriage so I think we will finally make our appointment. The cerclage is only weeks away and, although it scares me to no end, I hope it will offer a little more reassurance in late hours of the night.
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