Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Post 35...What follows new beginnings

October is almost over?...Didn't it just start?!

It has been a new beginning this month. After celebrating Joey's due date, I have felt so free. I guess I never really knew just how much it was all weighing on me, but now is a new start! This month, we've been "baby dancing" every other day in hopes we can hit the mark this time around. And though I've been having "symptoms" that point to pregnancy I have been so hesitant to label them as such. After having false alarms several times now, I've been reluctant to log anything in the blog as possible pregnancy symptoms. But since this blog is all about my journey through trying to conceive and pregnancy, making myself a promise to capture the whole experience, I suppose it's best I write them down.

I guess I just feel that...if I admit that I see these as pregnancy symptoms, I'm going to feel like all the more of an idiot if I'm not pregnant again. I've become the girl who cried pregnancy and there's only so much of that I can take before it just makes this process all the harder. I want to excuse everything I feel on something else, but of course the first thing that pops into my mind is pregnancy. Could it be I'm focusing so hard on looking for symptoms that I'm finding them, fabricating them out of pure hope? Like every other time, there is no way of knowing. Symptoms I've created, ovulating or pms symptoms perhaps; the bottom line is, I won't know until I either get my period or take a pregnancy test.

Anyway, as for the "symptoms," they started about a week ago (a week before my pre-week). At first I was feeling really bloated coupled with some mild lower abdominal cramping. It felt sort of like when I'm close to starting my period but obviously it was too early for that. Then, gradually, my breasts started to get more and more tender. So much so that, some times it was waking me up when I would roll onto my chest, other times my chest was so sore it nearly hurt to breath. Since then the bloating, mild cramping, and breast tenderness has stuck around fading in and out from time to time. But in addition to that, I have had on and off headaches, some nausea, mild lower back aching, a slight sore throat from time to time, an occasional stuffy nose, and my skin has been breaking out. I've been really tired (a few days ago I even fell asleep at 5pm for awhile!), and for the past couple days I have been a bit more moody.

I can't explain it, and I'm reluctant to admit it but, this month feels more real than the others. For some reason I have this gut feeling that we got it this time. But then, I'm worried I'm wrong. If I am wrong, how foolish am I gonna feel? How frustrating will that be to feel like both my body and instincts are lying to me? But I guess it's out there now. From the beginning of the month, I felt like it was going to happen this time round. I really feel like I'm pregnant. But...what if I'm wrong again?...

Also this month I had some crazy dreams. One was a dream about me having a spell put over me by a witch. It was a fertility spell where I absorbed the fertility of two other women, causing my breasts to swell with milk. Obviously an odd dream but the underlining subject was as clear as the gigantic boobs that grew on my chest!

Next I had a dream where all sorts of crazy random things happened, seeming more like a blend of cartoon shows and Willy Wonka of all things. But then at the end of a dream, a man approached me and asked: "have you been having crazy dreams?" I nodded. He then smiled and said: "You're having crazy dreams because you're pregnant! Crazy dreams is a sign of pregnancy!"

After that I had two other dreams about spotting. One seemed more like my period was starting. The other was more like implantation spotting. But still, the dreams about bleeding made me second guess if I really am pregnant. The dreams of bleeding are the worst. That sinking feeling of seeing spotting when I so desperately don't want to see it...it reminds me too much of the miscarriage...that dreaded fear of losing everything.

Anyway, in spite of my two dreams about spotting, my husband actually had a dream! It's so rare when he has dreams. The last time he had a dream involving our baby it was when he dreamt about Joey being a boy even before we found out. All that time I was leaning more towards the thought we were having a girl and yet my husband and his one dream were spot on! He dreamt about me having "pregnancy brain," being forgetful because I was pregnant again. I must admit, his dream inspired more hope.

I've tried to check my cervical mucus for any indicators of pregnancy but it is so hard to tell. The last time I was pregnant it seemed so obviously different. At the time, however, checking my CM was unusual for me so things just felt different either way. Last week it was slippery and egg-white-ish which all the books say is the sign of ovulation. Now it's more lotiony and white, feeling a little more dry than it's been.

Until I can test, or until I get my period I won't know if any of this means anything. Even now I feel a bit foolish for believing so much in all that I have been feeling. I don't want to psych myself into not having my period on time...that would really make me hate my body. But...I don't know...I still have hope. It may be totally off but I still have that feeling deep down that this will be our month to finally get that positive.

The rays of hope fade in and out offering nothing more than a brief glimpse of Sunshine.

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