October 7th was better than expected. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, although I still cried quite a bit at the end of the day. But all in all, it was very enjoyable. We starting things off at the Steelhead diner; a classy bar tucked away in the back alleys of Pike's Place. There we sat out on the balcony listening to the street performers singing below in the bustling brick alleyway as we ate caviar and crab cakes. My husband sipped away at his usual martini with olives, laughing from time to time as I would quiver with each taste of my mandarin vodka. It has been awhile since I had a hard drink so the burn was more intense than I remembered.
When we had finished eating like royalty, we walked around, bathing in the sites and sounds of the lively market. With our keepsake necklaces on, and Joey in our heart, we cherished our family outing. That night, we dined at the top of the Space Needle. The view was spectacular and once again we stuffed ourselves with some of the greatest things Seattle cuisine has to offer. But as we toasted to Joey and to two years of marriage, a beautiful thing happened. As we looked out over the Elliott Bay, the sky gray with clouds broke apart shooting down two beams of sunlight across the water. It was breathtaking. At that moment the waitress came up and looked out the window. "Hu...well this is unexpected." she exclaimed, "They said it was supposed to get worse before it got better, and yet here it is getting sunnier!"
My husband looked over at me with tears in his eyes. "It's Joey." he whispered. A lump caught in my throat. It's true, from the day we gave birth to Joey, the sun has shown up every time we've needed him (which, if you lived here in Washington you'd know just how rare that really is!). It was the sun shining in my hospital window during what was otherwise a rainy day that told me Joey was already in a safe place even before his body came into this world. My husband was right, I could feel it in my heart...Joey was there with us.
That night we lit Joey's candle, the one we had for his memorial, and looked through his memory box. We cried and held each other for awhile until it was time to put our keepsake necklaces to bed and blow out Joey's candle.
The days to follow were oddly calming. I have felt such a sense of peace since the celebration of Joey's due date. In fact, I've even felt better about trying again for another baby. I didn't entirely understand why until my husband explained: "You probably feel more at ease now because you finally carried Joey for the full 9 months. You couldn't physically carry him that whole time, but you've been carrying him in your heart and in your thoughts. You did it, Tiny. You've carried him full term." I couldn't believe how much peace I felt from that. I didn't have the ability and luxury of carrying him to full term like every other mom can, but I did what I could to honor my son. Now that I have...I truly feel like I can move forward wholeheartedly.
Now, as we have been trying, my conscience has been clear which, in turn, has made things a lot more fun if you catch my drift. I really feel like this month might be the month. I can't really explain why except to say that I feel like I've given myself the okay to move on. Joey is safe, playing up in heaven, watching over us (although I get the feeling he might be a bit distracted at the moment with his toys, as he should be ^_^) and so I'm okay with letting him be. I will always hold him in my heart, but I don't need to carry him anymore.
So now the days continue on. The flickering flame of hope has burst into a full blown fire! My son is happy and safe, and I feel absolutely excited to be pregnant again. I'm okay now with welcoming in a new life. Because deep down I'll always know that, where there is Sunshine, Joey is there too.
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