It has been a hard week....
Saturday gave us a big slap in the face with the start of my period. Unfortunately our first instincts were correct about us not being pregnant this time around. I say "first instincts" because the few days prior, we were really starting to think we were pregnant. Once again my body was giving off clear signs, but they turned out to be nothing more than just another false alarm. I cried a little but bounced back quicker than I had before. I was at least glad that I got my answer before Joey's original due date rather than the day of or right after. It's better this way, being able to adjust before tackling yet another difficult time.
How we didn't get pregnant after doing you-know-what nearly every day is beyond me! Although, some studies argue that going every day can deplete a guy's supply faster than a guy who goes every other day, allowing him to rebuild his troops before the next go-around. Taking that into consideration, as well as the fact that increased activity can (and did!) lead to a possible UTI, we have decided to try going every other day this month. We also had some deep discussions sorting out a lot of the psychological set backs I've been having. With the pressure of money and family, it is hard for me to be fully in the mood without some stress cluttering the back of my mind. Each month I'm not working and not pregnant is just another month I'm using up our savings on myself alone. And still we have family waiting to hear any updates so they can plan the holidays accordingly. But no pressure right? We're just waiting on my uterus to save Christmas....too bad it's not very reliable because it's INCOMPETENT!
In some ways, it was so much easier having the pregnancy be our own secret last time. Even though our family and friends are just excited and anxious like my husband and I are when it comes to trying again, I can't help but feel like everyone is waiting, watching for any little change in me to see if we're pregnant yet. And as much as I love to be on center stage, that is only when I'm performing! If I'm the center of attention when I'm not on stage, it usually means a bad thing. But then...no one is really paying attention. Oh what a can of worms I'm opening up here....
I'm torn. I feel like family is waiting and watching in excitement, which is fine, although the attention in some ways makes me feel the pressure to give them what they want. They want us to be pregnant and now it feels like I'm not just doing it for my husband and I, but now I have to please everyone else. They still feel the pain of our loss, and they're just as excited for a happy healthy pregnancy. But in turn it makes me feel like, if I don't get pregnant, I'm letting everyone down again....again...hu. I guess I still feel slightly responsible for the miscarriage. It was my body after all....
Well, to stay on topic; though I feel like family is waiting anxiously for us to be pregnant, so many other people in my life could care less about what we're going through. Here we are facing the day our son would have been born, and it seems like no one really cares. A part of me knows that they have their own lives, but a bigger part of me feels like: how can they just forget my son? So many petty problems and yet they choose the superficial issues over the loss and life of my son! I thought these people cared about me, so how can they say nothing to me, or offer me no comfort? I tried to reach out for support and some very dear friends and family reached back. But the rest was silence. When we first lost Joey, so many people reached out to us. I was in awe at how many lives my little boy had touched. But now, just a mere few months passed, and....it's so sad how easily a life can be forgotten. That is my son!
Here is where I take a deep breath and try to push past my burning thoughts....
As the week has gone on, the emotions have ramped up (as you can tell by my rant above). Nearly every day, my husband and I have had moments of crying. But more than anything I have been going through mom withdrawals. I can't help but think: I would have been an active mother right now. I would have been feeding him, changing him, laying him down to sleep, comforting him when he would cry. But I can't do any of that. In my heart, I feel a deep ache to hold him again, to see him plump and pink, wiggling around, and to nurture him. Without me working, I don't even have co-workers to rely on me right now. Clearly family and friends have their own drama to deal with, so I'm not really needed there either. My husband reminded me that he still needs me, but I don't want to mother him. Although, it is nice to know that at least one person in this world needs me. I guess for now, my needs to be a mom will just have to wait. Great...now I have my own urges putting pressure on me to get pregnant again. Man, I'm a piece of work!
"Sitting in an English garden waiting for the Sun. If the Sun don't come I'll get my tan from standing in the English rain."-The Beatles.
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