It is the question that has been on my mind all morning: now what? Originally after the cerclage removal, I thought we were going to have a quiet, uneventful weekend. But, for the first time ever, I am actually really happy that it was so busy. It was a fun kind of busy with lots of last minute get-togethers with close friends, and even a relaxing Sunday picnic in the park with the Eastside Mommy's group. It was delightfully social and most importantly, distracting.
Since the cerclage removal last Thursday, of course the one thing in the back of everyone's mind is: when is the baby coming. And unfortunately it has put an unwelcome focus on me that leaves me squirming like a bug under a microscope. So far I have been getting daily phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, and more from my very eager mother-in-law. Plus, now when I post my weekly belly picture online for friends to see, I am getting playful lectures from friends demanding that I deliver the baby this very instant. "Tell him he needs to come now!" "Why are you still pregnant?! Deliver that baby already!" And although it's all in good nature, when it comes from every angle, it gets old fast. Before the cerclage was taken out, it seemed like people had gotten used to me being pregnant. Friends would occasionally ask to touch my tummy, but for the most part, everyone was pretty mellow about it. But now, without even so much as a hello, people are publicly lecturing my tummy, demanding Andy come out that very instant! With the slightest expression I make, or twinge I get from him kicking me, all eyes are suddenly on me followed up by a game of 20 questions. "Are you okay?" "Was that a contraction?" "Do you need anything?"
The funny thing is, out of all the awkward attention and fussing, my family has remained absent. I got a couple of texts from my parents asking how the cerclage removal went, followed up with several pictures of my nephew that my mom sent me ( and I'm not sure why she sent them to me right after my cerclage removal except that, perhaps she was just associating her excitement for a new grandson with the love she has for her only grandson). But otherwise, I haven't heard a thing. I know that right now they are adjusting to a new work schedule since my dad just took on some new jobs, so I figure that's why I haven't heard anything. But I have to admit, sometimes it feels like they are often very busy with their only grandson to be too excited for another. Given the situation, my parents have practically taken on my nephew as their son, more so than a grandson, so I realize that they have a very close and active relationship with him. In the case of my son, he won't be living part time with my parents the way that my nephew does, simply because our family situation is different. My husband and I are still happily married and we are working hard at giving me the opportunity to stay at home with the baby. I sometimes wonder if my parents will be disappointed or happy at how different their relationship will be with my son. Of course I want them to be a part of his life, but only as grandparents, not as second parents. Will they be upset that he's not over there as much? Or will they be happy that they don't have to take on another child? It's really hard to say. And even then, I find myself asking: if they are happy that they don't have to take care of my son as their own child, is that because they want a break from being second parents, or is it because they wouldn't enjoy taking care of Andy as much as they like to take care of my nephew? I know my parents like to be needed. That's partly why they are often trying to help others and share the load. But it confuses me when I hear them longing to have a simple grandparent relationship with my nephew, and yet they seem so excited to be in the role that they are in as second parents. They brag about him like parents. They proudly teach him things like parents. They care for him like parents. Why else would they continue to chose to be in that role unless they really did like it? So how am I supposed to take it if they seem so relieved no to have that kind of relationship with my son? Andy won't need them in the same way my nephew does, so will that make Andy less important to them?
At any rate, it seems their attention must go to where they are needed (work, my brother and helping his kid, church...) and so I've grown accustom to flying solo from my family when it comes to the way I live. It's always been that way. But I guess now it stands out more than ever. It just makes me wonder how that will affect the relationship they will have with my son.
Anyway, that was a long-winded way of saying that I'm getting a ton of attention from everyone except for the people that I crave the most attention from: my family. I guess some childhood needs for parental approval never really go away do they? Oh well. Soon enough I will be too distracted by a newborn to worry about such trivial things. As for now, I'm drawn back to my original dilemma: what do I do now? I can't exactly do anything to speed up the approach of labor. I've done some research and found claims that staying active (going on walks, doing squats, etc) will help get the baby in position for labor. But there really isn't anything I can do to make my water break or start up contractions, not without a doctor's help anyway. So I'm stuck waiting. And honestly, it's not hard waiting to go into labor. Since both my Obgyns are out this week, I'm not exactly in a hurry to go into labor until they are back. Mostly I'm having a hard time just figuring out what to do with myself. After having so many sweets this weekend, I do not want to do any baking for once! I've cleaned the house several times over so there isn't really much more I can do about that. I've already got everything ready and waiting for the baby....there just isn't anything left for me to do to prepare for the baby. Everything is done. So now I'm stuck trying to kill time. I've had project after project for the past several months just getting ready for Andy. Now that I'm done, I've got nothing else to do but watch movies, read, and take naps. And as fun as that is, I can only do it for so long before I get stir crazy!
I'm going on 38 weeks this Wednesday, I have no idea if the baby has even dropped, I've got nothing to do that interests me at the moment, and I'm getting lectured daily by friends and family to "get a move on" with delivering the baby. Can't I just enjoy the last few weeks of peace and quiet? Can't I savor the ability to sleep through the night? What's wrong with enjoying the time I have left being just my husband and me? I've already been struggling with mixed emotions about no longer being just the two of us. I love the relationship my husband and I have. It's fool proof! And now that we're about to have a baby, I find myself wondering "why did I go and mess with such a good thing?" But then I feel guilty for even thinking that because I am still beyond excited to have Andy here with us. Augh! So many emotions! This is why I can't be left with nothing to do. [As a side bar to my husband: no I don't want to play video games to pass the time.]
Is it wrong that I seem to be the only person who isn't in a rush to get Andy here? Of course I'm excited to meet him, but I don't see why there is the rush. He'll get here when he gets here. But as a new mom, and especially after all we've been through to hold on to our pregnancy, shouldn't I be more exhilarated? Why do I seem so apathetic about it? I thought after the cerclage removal that I would be driving myself nuts with anticipation. But, in stead, I find the whole cerclage removal to be a bit anti-climactic. Everyone seemed to think we were going to instantly have the baby, despite what we and the doctors were saying. It's like no one really wants to listen unless I'm saying "the baby is coming." And I have to admit, I was in some ways hoping the baby would come that day too. But honestly, I've thought from the beginning that he would be a July baby. I didn't expect him to be really early so I guess that's why I'm okay with the wait. But I did so much to be ready for the earliest time possible that now I'm stuck feeling kind of bored.
Like so many times before, I'm stuck waiting for life to happen, wondering what to do with myself before my whole world is turned upside down yet again. Maybe my doctor's visit this week will give me some kind of news that I can use to beat back the hundred and one questions I'm getting from everyone. They don't seem to be too satisfied when I tell them that my cervix is still holding together so we'll just have to wait. In the mean time, I guess I'll go watch some Netflix in attempts to drown out my thoughts....