Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Post 120...Waiting for tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow we get the cerclage removed. I keep flipping between being really excited and absolutely scared! I want Andy to be here so badly but I'm also really scared to go into labor too. I don't feel ready. But at the same time, I'm really nervous that something else will go wrong before I get the chance to deliver him. Of course, it doesn't help that I was watching a tv show today and in the episode a couple lost their baby just weeks before giving birth. It brought back so many painful memories and has left me feeling on edge all day. I really should have just turned the show off but I was fixated on it, in a trance, silent tears running down my face. Hours later, I have done all I can to keep my focus on the positive but I can't say it has worked completely. After watching a happier show, reading, dancing and singing, and cooking, I am still left with a pit of worry in my heart. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I'm getting my safety net out tomorrow and it leaves me with the unknown. Up to this point, everything has been mapped out and carefully monitored. Suddenly being left alone to wait and wonder; it is a scary thought.

I am very excited though that, today, we are officially full term! With the help of the cerclage, several amazing doctors, our family and friends, and of course my wonderful husband, I have been able to carry successfully to full term! I wish I could say I wasn't going to be a paranoid mother who just replaces one worry with the next, but it seems like I'm already doing so. But I guess that's just part of being a parent: worrying all the time about the safety of your child. At any rate, tonight, my husband and I are going to celebrate that we have made it to this point. I'm not sure yet how we'll celebrate but it just feels like something that should be honored.

So first thing tomorrow morning, I'm off to the doctor's to finally have the stitch removed! Wish me good luck!

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