For the two weeks following the surgery, I was stuck in bed on modified bed rest. It wasn't full bed rest, thank goodness or I think I would've lost my mind, so I was still able to shower, go to the bathroom on my own, and walk from the bed to the couch. But that was about it. It was during those two weeks that I learned just how challenging bed rest really is. I have a new found respect for any woman who has ever had the misfortune of being on full bed rest! I know it's for a good cause, protecting the life of your baby, but my goodness it is not as relaxing as it may sound.
I read once before that women on bed rest should draw strength from fact that a woman goes on bed rest to protect her baby. "Focus on that little life inside you and take comfort in knowing that you are doing this for them." it said. Well, that sounds like it would be encouraging, so noble and all, but when I was actually in that situation, I had a hard time feeling like I was doing it for a good cause. For the first few days while I was still really sore and recovering, bed rest didn't feel so bad. It was easy to remember then that I was doing this for Sunshine, giving myself time to recover so the stitch would be in the best of shape to hold him/her in. But once the pain was gone, I felt like I was sitting in bed for no reason. And that sense of laziness was a hard thing to fight.
Being alone with my thoughts can often be a bad thing for me. It's too easy to beat myself up if I don't feel like I'm being productive enough. But being alone with my thoughts after having a surgery that made me think back on the last pregnancy, coupled with the frustration of feeling so lazy; my emotions were all over the place! There was a time, when I was working, that I wanted nothing more than to lay around all day in my pjs watching netflix and having meals brought to me. But the reality of it was not as glamorous as I thought. I started to feel really insecure about my looks, worrying about weight gain as I laid in bed all day. I was frustrated that I didn't even have the choice to go for a walk if I wanted to. I felt worried about whether or not the stitch would work or heal properly. I even started to guilt myself for focusing so much on my own wants and needs, rather than the baby's. According to the book, shouldn't I be focusing on protecting the little life inside me? Shouldn't I be grateful and more than willing to do what is needed for my baby? On an on my thoughts spiraled downward.
But a new day came. One morning, the bed lump I had become decided to slowly get up and open the curtains. It was raining outside, but the daylight still brought in a welcoming glow. Easing myself back into bed, I propped myself up with pillows and grabbed my nearby hand mirror. The woman in the mirror had a bad case of bed-head, puffy bags under her eyes, and a few angry looking blemishes that screamed of high school days. So with my hair brush and my box of make-up, I set to work on bringing some life back into my reflection. As I went, I started to perk up a little more. I spritzed on some fruit-smelling body spray, and even ventured so far as to change out of my pjs and into "real" clothes. When all was said and done, I was amazed at how much better I felt. I felt like a person again!
I realize now that it was okay for me to feel the way I did. I shouldn't feel guilty for feeling frustrated with the situation. It doesn't mean that I love my baby any less. In fact, it goes to show just how much I love Sunshine. Even though it was uncomfortable and frustrating, I still chose to stay in bed. I chose to take care of my baby. And besides, it's not like I had to do it alone either. My husband made the whole situation a million times better by helping me so much. Each morning he would bring me breakfast before work. He would then fill up the camel-pack for me so I could have water throughout the day. He also went so far as to pack me a big bag of snacks to last me throughout the day so I wouldn't have to get up every time I was hungry. I was so lucky to have him there to help me through it all! I couldn't do this without him. :) He has caught every tear that has fallen, chased away any worries in my mind, and he has kept me smiling through the impossible moments. No man could be a better father for our little Sunshine!