Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow I get the cerclage.
The procedure will be fairly simple with very minimal risk. But I still can't help but wonder, what if this is my last full day with Sunshine? What if something happens tomorrow that causes us to lose the pregnancy? It is possible, though not very probable.
The last week I carried Joey, I remember reading about his stage of development in the pregnancy. He had just started to be able to hear things for the first time. And to this day, I still feel bad that the first and last thing he had to hear was my husband and I crying. Because of that, I have tried to make great effort to read and sing to Sunshine as much as I can this week. I know he/she isn't yet to the point of being to hear anything, but it's my hope that maybe he/she can sense the love that comes from the music and stories. I go in to the hospital tomorrow not really knowing if it will be the end of the pregnancy or a new beginning. I am fairly certain that everything will go just fine, but if by chance these are the last few days I have with my baby, I want to make sure these moments are happy ones.
[[TMI warning: I made a promise to myself that I would log every part of this journey which includes some intimate things, so if you don't want to hear about this stuff, go ahead and skip to the next paragraph.]] Once the cerclage is in place, there are some things that I will not be able to do, one of which is have sex. Since vaginal intercourse (augh! I sound like high school Sex Ed. class!) can introduce bacteria into the vagina, it could run risk of infecting the stitches of the cerclage. Also, the pressure caused by the act of sex can cause "trauma" to the cervix which again, is not advised once you are diagnosed with a weak cervix. Orgasming can also cause the cervix to contract, which is not good for a weak cervix during pregnancy and could run risk of tearing the stitches. The bottom line is: no vaginal intercourse or even orgasming once the cerclage is in. Last week, my doctor said to "enjoy it while you can" before the cerclage is put in. So we've done just that. And since we don't want to cause any "trauma" to the cervix the night before the surgery, we marked last night as our official last time for the next 6-7 months. Sex is obviously not the only thing that defines a marriage, but it is certainly a part of it. So it will present some challenges suddenly going without it. But honestly, once the stitch is in, I think the fear alone of bothering the stitch and running risk of miscarriage will be enough to keep some frisky feelings at bay. But no release? No nothing?....It's gonna be a long 6-7 months!
Anyway, tomorrow morning I'll go in for the surgery and, with any luck, I'll be home tomorrow evening eating dinner in bed and watching Netflix on my laptop with my husband cuddled close. I really do think it'll go just fine. But it is kinda odd to think, my baby's life will literally be holding on by a thread...
One way or another, tomorrow is a new beginning.