Friday, July 30, 2010

Post 12...Six questions

No one can tell me when I'll be ready to have another baby. Yes we have a tentative date in mind for when we could start trying (late September, early October), but before that, we really have to ask ourselves some hard questions. It's so hard to be the judge of my own feelings and readiness. Unlike the observer, I'm feeling all the emotions, all the fear, making it harder to decipher what is "ready" and what is "ignorance." So many times I have wondered: "am I honestly ready to try again or do I just think that because, on some level, I'm just suppressing issues? How do I know if I'm suppressing things? Doesn't that mean it's beyond my own awareness?" And around and around I go....

In the most unexpected of times, I have had issues pour out of me that I had no idea were in me to begin with. Several times lately, I have brought home my frustrations with work and unfortunately took them out on my husband. There was one argument in particular, after having a frustrating day of belittlement from co-workers, I was yelling at my husband about how I just didn't seem good enough to anyone no matter how hard I worked. But the middle of spewing out anger from work I yelled: "Apparently my cervix isn't the only incompetent thing about me! I'm such an idiot, I can't even do the most basic of things a woman is supposed to do! I can't even carry a baby full term!"


What in the hell did that have to do with work?....Absolutely nothing. I realized that night that on some level, I wanted to have a successful pregnancy to prove to myself that I was just as capable, just as much of a woman as the next. The miscarriage has shaken my confidence something fierce, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my broken self in this time of transition. But it left me wondering: is it okay to go into another pregnancy with part of it being the need to prove to myself that I can do it?
So my husband and I decided to do a little reading. Before we left the hospital after the miscarriage, we were given a packet on handling grief after a loss. In the back of the packet is a section on knowing when you're ready to try. And in that section there were six main questions we had to ask ourselves:

1-Does the loss still consume my every thought?
-We were both happy and sad to say no.

2-Am I obsessed with becoming pregnant?
-I had to really be honest with myself there and the answer was no. We are determined in many ways to get pregnant again, but we are also taking our time to physically and mentally heal as we plan ahead for Sunshine. He deserves the same running start as Pickle had.

3-Can I think about the loss without it tearing me apart?
-Yes. Again, we have our moments such as the monthly markers. But otherwise, we can look back with more love than anything else.

4-Am I able to once again find importance in other people and activities?
-For sure! We both have found new goals and importance in old ones. And we have made a point to get out and have more fun with family and friends.

5-Do I have happiness in my life, so that I can laugh and enjoy my life?
-Every day. This whole experience has brought us closer together as a couple and if that's not something worth being happy about, I don't know what is.

6-Am I expecting this next child to make me feel better?
-This was the hardest question of all. In some ways, yes. In other ways, no. To start with, no we don't think the next child will make us feel better in a sense of forgetting Joey. In no way would we be replacing Joey. Pickle and Sunshine are two separate people. So in the sense of making us feel better about the loss; nothing will erase that experience. But in realizing I can carry a baby full term, and the fact that we will have a beautiful baby to take home with us-to love and to raise-then yes. In many ways, we see the next pregnancy as bring everything full circle. We would be using the gift Joey gave us to have a successful pregnancy. So, in some ways, yes the next child would make us feel "better." It's all bitter sweet.

After dissecting ourselves thoroughly, we came to the conclusion: when I am physically ready, and if the budget is set, come late September....we feel like we'll be ready to try again.

"I'm looking forward to my next pregnancy with a greater insight into how precious and fragile life is."

For now, the forecast for the fall....partly cloudy with a chance of Sunshine.

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