Friday, July 30, 2010

Post 11...Stop & Go thoughts

I've been sitting in a lot of traffic lately. On my way to pick up my husband from work, there are days were I will sit in traffic for nearly an hour for what should be only a 15 minute drive. Inch by rolling inch I watch as the world sags in a sweaty gasoline infused haze.

One particularly stuffy day I sat still in traffic, watching in my rearview mirror as the women driving in the car behind me uncouthly flossed her teeth in between the stop and go of traffic. Aside from lecturing the woman silently in my head, praying to God she wouldn't rear-end me the moment she became too engrossed in some piece of whatever wedged in her teeth from lunch, my thoughts were swimming around the idea of pregnancy and when I'd be ready to try again. In my last blog, it was two months since the loss of Joey. Although I spent that day in my head, sitting in the hospital bed holding him again, the next day went right back to the monotonous mundane.

-A car cut me off and idly sat horizontal in my lane, waiting to merge into the next. All other traffic was moving forward while I sat stuck behind the incompetent driver. I cursed under my breath.-

I gripped the steering wheel with one hand and held my head in the other.-How am I supposed to know when I'm ready to try again? It can't be that I would have no sad feelings at all about the loss of Joey. Because no matter how much times goes by, the death of my baby will always hurt on some level. I don't always cry when I talk about it now, and I can even think back on holding him with more love than hurt. Obviously there will be no loud awakening moment that will tell me when I am 100% sure ready.

-The piercing criticism of a car horn sounds loudly up ahead causing me to jolt and grip the wheel tighter.-

I turned up my music to try and tune out the sounds of traffic and relax a little.-Well, perhaps I am more ready than I thought, though. For the past few days I had been working in the toddler rooms and thoroughly loving it. The children warmed up to me instantly, and when they were down for their nap, I was eagerly taking pictures of the classroom decorations and some of the toys. I couldn't help but think: 'I could decorate Sunshine's room with this' or 'these toys would be perfect!' It's been a long while since I have been that positive, looking forward and learning more for the next pregnancy. If that's not a sign of being closer to trying again, I don't know what is.

A glimmer of clarity and hope started in me that day as I sat in traffic. I was getting nowhere fast and constantly getting cut off as I impatiently tried to make my way through, but I kept moving forward none the less.

Here comes the Sun and I's alright.

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