Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Post 10...forget me not

It's been two months today since we lost Joey Jr. It feels like forever ago and yet just seeing how much my life has moved on since Joey's passing makes me feel so guilty. I know that it's good that my life has been moving forward, but in some ways it almost feels like it's been moving so fast I haven't had time to fully adjust. After a night of bad dreams, I immediately woke up to the thought of him. I didn't expect it to still affect me so much (though, I don't know why I thought that, considering again that it's only been two months) but I spent most of my morning crying as I tried to get ready for work. It was tempting to want to call in sick, but yesterday my husband and I already came home early. It was totally worth it, but because of it, I didn't want to call in sick twice in a row.

The work day was incredibly hard. I hate how much everyone at work has seemed to forgotten what has happened. I don't know why I would expect anyone else to remember the importance of the date, but still...When I'm working with other pregnant women, surrounded by infants and toddlers, it took every bit of strength I could to pull myself together after crying quietly in the bathroom when I got a few moments to myself. Everyone at work keeps acting like I should be over it by now, and so I hide my tears. Right after the loss, I was silly enough to worry that people would think I wasn't mourning enough since I didn't turn into a complete recluse. But now it seems like people are more comfortable acting like nothing happened. Aurg! It just makes me want a new job all the more!!!

I don't want to spend the whole time venting about work but God I want to get out of there! I haven't heard anything from Google about an interview yet. But from what my recruiter said, they haven't started interviews yet since they just finished moving into a new building. They should be calling any day. So there's still hope, but it's hard to wait for the call.

On the plus side of things, after the stressful work day, my husband and I had a fun and relaxing time rollerblading. The new rollerblades he bought for me came in yesterday so I had to take them for a test run. It was so fun! Nothing like skating around in the sunshine with my husband to let go of the stress of the day.

It's been a long day and today, more than ever, the urge to have a big glass or wine (or any drink that would get me buzzed at this rate) is testing my resolve. I want so badly to have a drink, but I want to give Sunshine just as clean of a start as Pickle did. No alcohol...damn.

I would have been 7 months along today.

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