Thursday, May 19, 2011

Post 112...A Year Ago Today

Today is a hard day.

It was one year ago today that we found out we were losing our son, Joey. Although tomorrow is his actual birthday, today holds a lot of meaning for me. I will always remember that indescribable feeling I had when the doctor told me that there was nothing they could do to save our son. The embarrassment and hatred I felt towards myself for having an incompetent cervix, the condition that was costing us our son's life. The fear and desperation I felt, trying to find answers that didn't exist. And the incredible sadness that took hold of my entire being in that moment. But there is one thing that I hold onto the most about this day, the one thing that was both comforting and torturous throughout that impossible day one year ago: feeling Joey kick.

It still brings me to tears now just thinking about it. As I feel Andy kick, I am reminded all the more of those last few moments with Joey. He was born on May 20th, but May 19th was the last day he was alive. I remember crying each time I felt his little kicks that day, realizing that it was the last time I was ever going to feel them. I wanted to hold on to that feeling, to freeze time and be with him for as long as possible. I wanted him to keep kicking and to prove the doctors wrong. And yet, each kick tortured me to the core. It was like a final touch of my son's life, pleading to stay here. I wanted him to stop and yet, I would've given anything to keep his strength up, prolonging his life for even just a moment longer. But as the kicking began to settle down, until I couldn't feel them anymore, I knew then that Joey was gone. Suddenly, I felt so alone. I knew that I still had to pass his body out of mine the following day, but for that moment, a year ago today, he was still inside me.

So although we will be celebrating Joey's birthday tomorrow, honoring the life of our beautiful baby boy; I will always feel a deep connection to today, the last day I got to carry him inside me, the last day he was alive, the last day I got to feel his sweet little kicks of life.

I love you Joey, and I still miss you with all my heart. But thanks to you and what you taught us, your little brother Andy will continue to carry on past this day. And because of all the lives you touched in your short time here, you will live on forever. My dear sweet boy, my little will live on forever.

Joey at 19 weeks, 6 days

Joey's urn.

Joeybear we got from the hospital the day Joey was born. He's wrapped in the blanket I had made for Joey.

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