Friday, April 8, 2011

Post 100...Stuck Between Mom and Wife

Wow, it's my 100th blog...neat! I feel like I should write some sort of celebratory speech but, eh. Why not celebrate my 100th blog by continuing what I set out to do: capture the journey of our second pregnancy.

Last night I thoroughly scared myself. Oh, before I dive into things too much, I give you my usual fair warning of TMI in case you don't want to read about things of a romantic/intimate nature. Anyway; around 21 weeks, some of you might remember that the doctor gave us the green light on being physically intimate. Though we were excited to hear the news, I couldn't help but feel ruled by fear. As much as I wanted to be intimate in that way with my husband, I was deathly afraid that the activity might affect the stitches in my cervix and cause complications. So at the time, we decided to hold off at least until 28 weeks when the baby's lungs should be fully developed. That way, if for any reason we went into labor early, Andy would have a fighting chance with his fully developed lungs. It may be a morbid thought, but these are the kind of things we have to take into consideration with every step of this pregnancy. Anyway, the doctor said it would be fine so long as we were gentle and that we should expect it to cause some mild cramping and possibly even some spotting (mainly because it would stress the stitches slightly, but nothing detrimental), otherwise it shouldn't cause any concern. Of course, we would have to monitor my body and make sure the spotting and cramping wouldn't get any heavier, which would indicate a need to go see the doctor immediately. How do you like that? It is completely fine if you have sex but be careful 'cause it could send you to the ER!!! Oi!

Well, last night, as I'm sure you can guess where this is going, we decided to test things out a little. After having a few weeks to adjust to the idea, I was feeling ready to give it a try.

[insert obvious insinuated action here]

When we were done, the first thing I noticed as some mild cramping. I wasn't terribly worried. It was what the doctor had said to expect. But what really threw me off was the spotting. Sure enough, right after it all, I went to the bathroom and noticed some spotting. As I sat there staring at the faded blood on the paper, my heart caught in my throat. I tried my best to force rationality into my mind. The doctor said there could be some spotting. And given that the blood was more of a brownish red, it indicated that it was old blood, probably blood that was leftover from the initial surgery that had just been knocked loose. But the sight of the blood still turned my stomach sour. As much as I struggled to be rational, emotion overtook me. All the memories of being at the doctors, first seeing the spotting that indicated I was about to miscarry Joey swarmed my mind. I made my way back to the bedroom and began to sob into my husband's arms. Quietly I kept repeating, "I can't lose another son...I can't lose another..." With each cramp I felt slowly tighten my stomach, the harder I cried.

After calming down a bit, I decided to take a Motrin pill--one of the pain pills they gave me to take after the surgery, said to calm down cramping and contractions--followed by some dinner. It quickly offered relief from the cramps. Although the cramps were very mild, their presence was enough to keep me on edge, so I was relieved to be rid of them. For a couple hours, my husband held me close, catching every tear, reassuring me that he would gladly wait to be intimate again once we are full term. It was such a hard feeling, wanting desperately to have that close intimate connection with my husband again and yet, needing desperately to protect our son. After seeing how much fear the slight spotting had caused me, we decided it would be best to hold off for now.

Only a couple hours later, the spotting had completely stopped. All through the night and today I have yet to have any other cramping or spotting at all. So I suppose the doctor was right. But the whole event was enough to scare me into waiting just a little longer before we are physically intimate again. I hate having to wait. I am extremely anxious for the time where I won't have to choose between being a wife or a mother, but where I can be both. However, I am more than grateful that I have such a loving husband who so willingly sacrifices and supports our family. Although, in a way, his understanding and willingness to support me through all this just makes it that much harder not to be intimate! But I wouldn't trade it for the world! He is my hero.

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