Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Post 76...Afraid of Hope

As the weeks have passed on since the cerclage was put in place, I have found myself feeling more and more hopeful that this pregnancy will carry full term. As I watch my belly grow (which it's done a lot of in just the past couple of weeks) I catch myself day dreaming of holding the baby in my arms, folding little onesies fresh from the dryer, drudging myself up for yet another midnight feeding. For the majority of this pregnancy, I have tried to focus on getting from one day to the next. But now that everything seems to be holding together, I can't help but feel hopeful again.

I have tried so hard not to get overly excited in case things went wrong again. But as the baby's kicks have been growing stronger and the doctors keep reassuring me that everything is holding up great, the blissful excitement of being pregnant is starting to get to me. I'm really starting to believe that this will really work.

And yet, with that excitement comes great fear. It's scary feeling so hopeful again. Even more so, I feel like I shouldn't be so excited and blissful just yet, not while I'm just entering my 18th week of pregnancy. You see, it was at 18 weeks in the last pregnancy that my mucus plug came out. At the time, I didn't know what it was. I called the nurse and explained to her what I saw but since there was no blood, the nurse excused it away as just a normal clot of discharge. A week later, I miscarried. So now, as I reach 18 weeks in the pregnancy, I am on high alert. Every day of this pregnancy I have been checking for any sign of spotting or unusual discharge, and so far, everything has been normal. But as I become more excited and hopeful, I try to push those feelings aside so that I don't miss any signs of trouble. Sometimes I still feel guilty about the last time, wondering if things would have been different had I been more alert and insistent that the doctors do a thorough check up after my plug had come out. But at the time, I didn't know any better. I didn't even know what a mucus plug really was. Instead I chose to believe in the nurse's best guess and I went on, blissfully hopeful.

But my husband has reminded me that having hope is a good thing. This time is different, and I have been very protective of this pregnancy, making sure to be aware of everything that I am feeling, double checking with the doctors. It's okay to have moments where I feel closer to the baby and allow myself to fully experience the excitement and hope. It's time I stop focusing on the possibility of losing the pregnancy, and start focusing on the possibility of carrying full term.

I never thought that being so excited and hopeful could be so scary.

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