Monday, June 21, 2010

Post 1...Nothing but 'how' and 'why'

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;

if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
-John Donne

I was 20 weeks along when I miscarried due to an incompetent cervix, losing my beautiful baby boy, Joey Junior or, as we so lovingly nicknamed him, "Pickle". Never in my life have I felt such immense pain as the death of my son. Suddenly I was being asked to do the say goodbye. It has only been a month since I lost him and still, I don't know how I have gone from there to here. I don't know how I have found the ability to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. I don't even know how I have managed to have good days and moments of joy and laughter. It seems weird to have those happy moments. At times I feel like I should have turned into a total recluse by now. But with the support and strength of my wonderful husband, family, and friends, the healing has begun and new hope is starting to grow.

My father once read this poem to me, and though I knew what it meant, I never did really understand it's impact. In the weeks after my son's death, I stood in front of his urn, looking at all the flowers and cards surrounding him. The card the amazing nurse gave us, the flowers from my co-workers, all the love an support from all over flooding our little apartment. (It was sort of a George Bailey moment.) But not only was it people my husband and I knew, but our parent's friends, our grandparent's church members, neighbors, clients, friends of friends....I see now that no man is an island. When even the shortest and tiniest of lives is lost, like my son's, everyone feels the loss, everyone is less. It is aw-inspiring how much each life touches the next. Though my son's life was short, my little guy touched the hearts of many, and for that he will live on forever.

My original blog, "Preparing for Pickle", was meant to track the experience of mine and my husband's pregnancy and the planning we did to prepare ourselves for the life changing event. And, though it did not end in the way we had planned, it was life changing for sure. Now, as we make our way through the impossible, I want to track our healing as well as the growing hope of trying again. The feeling and need to be parents and have a successful pregnancy is still strong. And though I still have a couple more months before we can try again, I want to log the step we take to getting there. With the help of a cerclage, we will be able to have a successful pregnancy (as far as my cervix is concerned), however; it will be a complicated pregnancy far more different than anything we have yet experienced.

Our son gave us the gift of knowledge, showing us how we can have a successful pregnancy. From his passing, there is still hope of new life. This is my journey through healing and hope.

From the ashes, the phoenix will rise.

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