I never knew how hard it would be to do nothing! Back when I was working, the idea of staying home all day sounded like heaven! It seemed like it would be a dream to spend each day wrapped in blankets, resting next to the fire, chatting with my husband over instant messenger while he's at work, as I sit reading, knitting, or watching movies all day long. And although it is very relaxing, it comes with its limitations. It has been such a challenge not being able to go for long walks during the day, or even pick up a gallon of milk because it's too heavy for me to lift right now. I can't even dance around the house as I get dressed in the morning while blaring my music. But as much as it can be a pain, it doesn't even come close to the pain of losing a child. So going against everything I've ever been taught about being active to stay healthy, I will gladly keep my butt rooted to the couch if it means it ensures the safety of my baby.
One thing that I think will really help me through all this will be getting a better couch. The couch we currently have is this rickety old thing that use to belong to my parents. The springs are so shot and the padding is worn thin. When I sit down on it, I can hear the groan and crunch of the wire springs as my back settles into the hard wooden frame of the couch making it near impossible to get comfortable. After spending only a couple weeks on this damn couch, my back is already in so much discomfort! I swear it feels like my back is locking in the middle and is bruised on the sides. I've tried sitting in the big bean bag chair we have, but because it's so soft, my back just rounds in it, causing more pain in my lower back without the proper support. And we've tried stacking pillows on the couch to simulate the missing padding. It helps a little, but after a day of sitting, my body aches from head to hips. So far, the only comfortable position I have been able to find has been laying on the floor with my pregnancy body pillow, but even after a few hours of that, my hips start to ache from pressing into the hard floor.
A few days ago, my husband came home to see me crying like a baby over my discomfort as I laid on the floor. I wanted so badly to just go for a long walk and stretch out any aches and pains. I never knew it would be so hard to just sit around all day. How do so many people do it? Anyway, as I laid there, blubbering away in a hormonal fuss over my aching back, my husband gently wiped away my tears, propped me up with more pillows, and cradled me from behind. It was the most comfortable I had felt in days. The in-laws have promised to give us their old leather couch and reclining chair once they get their new one. But for now, I lay on the floor counting the days until that happens.
My husband has been immensely helpful through all this. Each day, he talks to me all day long on instant messenger while he's at work (when he's available of course). Then, when he gets home, he takes care of all the dishes, the laundry, taking out the trash, refilling the firewood bin, everything! And after all that, he makes us dinner! He even does the grocery shopping on his way home if we need anything. It's so amazing that he does all this and more with a smile on his face and without a single complaint. And when he's done with everything, he cuddles up next to me, rubs my tummy, kisses me, and says that it's all worth it. My love and appreciation for him is now overflowing! I couldn't do this without him, and I consider myself so lucky to be with such a wonderful man. No greater husband exists.
...and boy does that make it harder to be abstinent right now!....
So far my symptoms have been fairly mild. I have hardly had any nausea compared to the last pregnancy but it still is fairly early on. It comes and goes, but since I keep snacking throughout the day, I think it has helped keep the nausea at a minimum (although I'm feeling it more today so maybe it's just a matter of time before it really kicks in). My breasts have been sore from time to time but that has settled down for now. I keep getting dizzy spells when I stand, and I have been falling asleep earlier and earlier these days too. I have had some mild cramping from time to time, more of that pulling feeling. But it's hard to say if that's from things stretching out down there or from pent up energy if you catch my drift. Also, my tummy has already popped a little under my belly button. I've heard before that in your second pregnancy women "pop" sooner, but since this is my second first pregnancy, I wasn't sure if it would apply. But I guess it does.
For now, I continue to learn how to handle life on my booty, figuring out how to stay healthy and in shape, how to keep myself entertained, and how to stay positive. I'm eating walnuts each day to get adequate amounts of protein and omega-3 fatty acids that help stimulate brain and heart health for me and the baby. I'm still taking my prenatal so I can continue to get a healthy amount of folic acid in my diet (among many other essential nutrients) which has been linked to decreasing chances of any neural tube defects in the baby as well as the chance of miscarriage. And of course, I haven't had a drop of caffeine or alcohol! I am trying to do everything I can to ensure Sunshine is sticking around full term, even if the best thing I can do for him/her right now is to do nothing.
Six more days until we see Sunshine for the first time! Hang in there little one. You're doing great!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Post 50...Who are you?
In the last pregnancy, we were so excited. We took every chance to connect and feel close to Joey in any way we could. Of course, similarly to this time, it took me a few months to even feel pregnant, but once the symptoms really started rolling in, it was easier to feel that bond. Now, halfway through the second month, I am starting to feel the pregnancy more, and the reality is beginning to sink in. But last night, I was caught off guard by sudden sadness. Joey was the only one I ever carried, so as I feel the pregnancy progress, it feels in some ways like it should be him side me. I don't want at all to sound like I would rather have Joey in me than Sunshine! I love Sunshine so much already and will do everything to keep him/her safe inside me! It's just, since Joey's pregnancy was cut short, it sometimes feels like he should've been given another chance. After we lost him, some people said that he was just previewing us, like he was visiting us and would be back soon. And as nice as that thought is, getting my son back, I can't say that I really believe it. I see this pregnancy, this baby, as someone completely new. As for Joey, he's having a blast running around in heaven right now, playing with his great grandpa, and looking down at us anxiously waiting to see if he gets a brother or a sister. I cried for a good long time last night, caught up in a mix of feelings, missing Joey and excited about Sunshine.
Today, I made the mistake of getting on the scale. Already I have gained a couple pounds! I know it's partly because I was dressed (TMI but I usually weigh myself in my birthday suit right before my shower) and also because I'm bloated. But still, it sent me on a temporary spiral. It's so ridiculous! After losing Joey, I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up in such superficial problems. My weight may be more of a struggle this time around since I have to spend the majority of this pregnancy on my butt, but gaining a few more pounds is of little concern compared to the safety of our baby! I shouldn't worry so much about it! I can't help but wonder if extra weight will just add more pressure to my cervix, but honestly, it's not like I'm putting on a mass amount! Anyway, in my attempts to feel productive, I took a large soup can (at best only 2lbs since I'm not allowed to lift more than 5) and did some arm lifts while I was sitting. I figured, less weight, more reps, anything to keep my arms strong so I can hold my baby when he/she comes. I also did some head rolls, shoulder rolls, and toe points. I can't really do leg lifts since that contracts my low core, so I stuck to just flexing my feet to stimulate circulation in my legs. My plan is to do this regularly to at least keep me as strong as I can be while basically being on modified bed rest for now. I kept it really light and only did enough to feel a little burn in my arms. I'm playing it safe!
One funny thing that happened today: I double sneezed!....Confused yet? In the last pregnancy, for the first time ever, I started to double sneeze. Not just two sneezes in a row. No. This is two rapid fire sneezes without even a breath in between! Anyway, it happened all throughout the pregnancy, but after giving birth, it went away. Well today, for the first time since Joey, I double sneezed! It is the funniest thing! I never new sneezes could be a pregnancy thing! Go figure!
So there you have it, nothing but Sunshine and double sneezes all the way across the sky. ;-)
Today, I made the mistake of getting on the scale. Already I have gained a couple pounds! I know it's partly because I was dressed (TMI but I usually weigh myself in my birthday suit right before my shower) and also because I'm bloated. But still, it sent me on a temporary spiral. It's so ridiculous! After losing Joey, I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up in such superficial problems. My weight may be more of a struggle this time around since I have to spend the majority of this pregnancy on my butt, but gaining a few more pounds is of little concern compared to the safety of our baby! I shouldn't worry so much about it! I can't help but wonder if extra weight will just add more pressure to my cervix, but honestly, it's not like I'm putting on a mass amount! Anyway, in my attempts to feel productive, I took a large soup can (at best only 2lbs since I'm not allowed to lift more than 5) and did some arm lifts while I was sitting. I figured, less weight, more reps, anything to keep my arms strong so I can hold my baby when he/she comes. I also did some head rolls, shoulder rolls, and toe points. I can't really do leg lifts since that contracts my low core, so I stuck to just flexing my feet to stimulate circulation in my legs. My plan is to do this regularly to at least keep me as strong as I can be while basically being on modified bed rest for now. I kept it really light and only did enough to feel a little burn in my arms. I'm playing it safe!
One funny thing that happened today: I double sneezed!....Confused yet? In the last pregnancy, for the first time ever, I started to double sneeze. Not just two sneezes in a row. No. This is two rapid fire sneezes without even a breath in between! Anyway, it happened all throughout the pregnancy, but after giving birth, it went away. Well today, for the first time since Joey, I double sneezed! It is the funniest thing! I never new sneezes could be a pregnancy thing! Go figure!
So there you have it, nothing but Sunshine and double sneezes all the way across the sky. ;-)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Post 49...Belly Bump
I'm not that far along but already I'm getting a little belly bump right bellow my belly button. It feels very tight and I still have that pulling feeling. My breasts are still extremely sore and I'm breaking out badly, but it's nice to have a reminder that Sunshine is still growing in there.
Today I was surprised when I cried after seeing a Pampers commercial. It showed all these clips of sleeping babies while playing the song Silent Night. I full on cried! Yay for pregnancy hormones. Oi!
Also today I read Sunshine one of the children's books we have. I thought it might be kinda fun to start reading or singing to Sunshine every day. I know he/she hasn't even developed any hearing yet but maybe he/she will at least sense that I'm sharing something with them. Maybe when my husband gets home from work, I have him read the story to Sunshine too, just to share the bond.
Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update. I'm counting down the days until the doctor appointment! I can't wait to see Sunshine for the first time!
Today I was surprised when I cried after seeing a Pampers commercial. It showed all these clips of sleeping babies while playing the song Silent Night. I full on cried! Yay for pregnancy hormones. Oi!
Also today I read Sunshine one of the children's books we have. I thought it might be kinda fun to start reading or singing to Sunshine every day. I know he/she hasn't even developed any hearing yet but maybe he/she will at least sense that I'm sharing something with them. Maybe when my husband gets home from work, I have him read the story to Sunshine too, just to share the bond.
Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update. I'm counting down the days until the doctor appointment! I can't wait to see Sunshine for the first time!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Post 48...Positively Positive
Call me crazy but I took another pregnancy test just to make sure Sunshine is still in there growing away and, of course, it turned positive in a matter of seconds. Oh I'm so ridiculous! I rubbed my tummy and told Sunshine, "I'm sorry but you have a paranoid mom!" But he/she has a big brother guardian angel looking out for them so I should trust that he/she is doing just fine.
As silly as it was to take another test, it is nice to have that reassurance. Hi Sunshine!!!
As silly as it was to take another test, it is nice to have that reassurance. Hi Sunshine!!!
Post 47...Through the Grapevine
Well, we were planning on holding off until we had the sonogram before telling our friends about the pregnancy. But yesterday I got a text from a friend saying: "your husband's mom can't keep secrets. She just told me you have a bun in the oven!" At that point, we knew there was no stopping it. So we went online and announced to everyone that the rumors were true, we are pregnant. The amount of love and support from everyone has been overwhelming! Everyone seems to be so happy for us. But I have to admit, having it out there already makes me a little nervous. Of course, my thoughts keep going back to the worry of miscarrying, so now with everyone knowing about the pregnancy, there is more pressure to make sure everything goes well. I know the odds of miscarriage are really low for us, but it can still happen. It's especially hard right now because I'm at that point where I don't feel pregnant. I've had some occasional mild cramping (more of that pulling feeling), and my breasts are still tender from time to time, but that's about it. No nausea, no headaches...nothing! But on the flip side, I have shown no signs of miscarriage either (extreme cramping and bleeding) so I don't know why I worry about that more when everything is saying I'm pregnant. I guess I won't feel sure until I see Sunshine on the monitor, wiggling around like Joey was, seeing the little heart fluttering with life.
For now, I've been taking it really easy. Since the doctor told me to basically sit back and rest so I don't put any other additional stress on my cervix, I've been spending the past couple days sitting in our giant bean bag chair reading books, watching movies, and doing crafts. It's been really hard seeing the sun shining and not being able to go walk in it. And now that I can't lift anything more than 5 lbs (doctor's orders), I'm suddenly realizing how much that limits my daily activity. In just two days time, I have already felt so much guilt putting all the work on my husband. Originally when I thought I would have a few more months before I would have to take it easy, I thought I could ease both of us into our new daily routines. But now, after dropping it on him, I feel terrible that he gets all the grunt work. He has tried to remind me that I'm doing an important job too by growing our baby, but at the moment when I haven't been really feeling pregnant, it just seems like I'm being extremely lazy! It's like I have to treat myself as if I'm sick when I feel perfectly healthy!
To ease my worries and to help me feel more connected, like I'm actually pregnant, my husband suggested I talk to Sunshine during the day. I've been hesitant to let myself get really excited about the pregnancy. It all feels so temporary or like I'm just playing pretend. I've been here before, in the early stages of pregnancy, and things stopped short. So really believing in things progressing further and carrying full term is hard for me. Right now, I worry about the baby making it to the second trimester and from there, my mind is fixed on getting the cerclage. But after that....it's a whole new world for me.
Yesterday I took my husband's advice and tried talking and singing to Sunshine. It did help it to feel more real but that also bumped up the worry of losing him/her. My husband reminded me that, to truly open my heart up to loving this baby, I have to open my heart completely even if that means I am vulnerable to more heartache. He is such a wise man! I want and need this baby to be okay. I need him/her to stick around for the long haul. And I am absolutely terrified of going through another loss. But...I have to love Sunshine completely....I have to try my best to open my heart and trust that things will go better this time.
Twelve more days until I can see little Sunshine. Just twelve more days....Please still be in there little one!
For now, I've been taking it really easy. Since the doctor told me to basically sit back and rest so I don't put any other additional stress on my cervix, I've been spending the past couple days sitting in our giant bean bag chair reading books, watching movies, and doing crafts. It's been really hard seeing the sun shining and not being able to go walk in it. And now that I can't lift anything more than 5 lbs (doctor's orders), I'm suddenly realizing how much that limits my daily activity. In just two days time, I have already felt so much guilt putting all the work on my husband. Originally when I thought I would have a few more months before I would have to take it easy, I thought I could ease both of us into our new daily routines. But now, after dropping it on him, I feel terrible that he gets all the grunt work. He has tried to remind me that I'm doing an important job too by growing our baby, but at the moment when I haven't been really feeling pregnant, it just seems like I'm being extremely lazy! It's like I have to treat myself as if I'm sick when I feel perfectly healthy!
To ease my worries and to help me feel more connected, like I'm actually pregnant, my husband suggested I talk to Sunshine during the day. I've been hesitant to let myself get really excited about the pregnancy. It all feels so temporary or like I'm just playing pretend. I've been here before, in the early stages of pregnancy, and things stopped short. So really believing in things progressing further and carrying full term is hard for me. Right now, I worry about the baby making it to the second trimester and from there, my mind is fixed on getting the cerclage. But after that....it's a whole new world for me.
Yesterday I took my husband's advice and tried talking and singing to Sunshine. It did help it to feel more real but that also bumped up the worry of losing him/her. My husband reminded me that, to truly open my heart up to loving this baby, I have to open my heart completely even if that means I am vulnerable to more heartache. He is such a wise man! I want and need this baby to be okay. I need him/her to stick around for the long haul. And I am absolutely terrified of going through another loss. But...I have to love Sunshine completely....I have to try my best to open my heart and trust that things will go better this time.
Twelve more days until I can see little Sunshine. Just twelve more days....Please still be in there little one!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Post 46...Our First Appointment
This morning, I made our first Obgyn appointment! It will be on the 22nd, just two weeks away! I was shocked they could get us in already. Last time I had to wait a full month to be around 8 weeks, but I guess I will already be close to 7 weeks by the 22nd. I did have a panic moment when scheduling it though. Because we don't have insurance, we have to put down a $2000 deposit!! But once they get proof of our insurance in January, we'll get a refund of our deposit (or what's left of it at that point) so it's not terrible. I also panicked because the Obgyn billing office notified me that the insurance I would be on will be turning into Regence in January, so she questioned whether or not they would deny me coverage because of pregnancy being a pre-existing condition. Immediately I called my parents to verify with them (since it's my mom's medical plan I'll be on) and they reassured me that they had already looked into it from the beginning, aware of the company change, and said that Regence told them I would be covered pregnancy and all. Since her medical plan isn't being replaced by Regnence, Regence is just becoming the "distributor" so to speak, the rules on pre-existing conditions will remain the same for the original medical coverage. So I should be in the clear.
So now, after settling down from my mild heart-attack over insurance once again, I am excited to think I could be seeing my baby for the first time in just two weeks! I'm not sure if this appointment will just be blood work or if we'll actually get the sonogram, but I am excited either way. I'm also happy it's right before Thanksgiving! If we do get the sonogram then, it will be fun to show off on the holiday. This year I have something to really be grateful for!
The only down side to it all; the doctor said no heavy lifting, no exercising, and worst of all no sex! I knew that would be the case after my cerclage but I didn't know I would have to start now!!! I was already trying to take it easy by not doing any heavy lifting but, not making love to my husband?...That's going to be the hardest thing to give up. I thought I had at least 2 months left to be intimate with him. My husband has told me that me and Sunshine are his world right now. And that if giving up sex will ensure we get to hear Sunshine's heart beat, to feel his/her kicks, to carry him/her full term; it will be more intimate to give birth to the "fruit of our fun," as my husband put it. I'm sure it will be a challenge at times, but we have to do everything we can to protect Sunshine. As for us as a couple, we will find a way to be close, I'm sure. We'll just have to get creative. And I'll leave it at that.
So here we go...active parents from the start! With those two little lines our whole world is changing all for a little Sunshine.
So now, after settling down from my mild heart-attack over insurance once again, I am excited to think I could be seeing my baby for the first time in just two weeks! I'm not sure if this appointment will just be blood work or if we'll actually get the sonogram, but I am excited either way. I'm also happy it's right before Thanksgiving! If we do get the sonogram then, it will be fun to show off on the holiday. This year I have something to really be grateful for!
The only down side to it all; the doctor said no heavy lifting, no exercising, and worst of all no sex! I knew that would be the case after my cerclage but I didn't know I would have to start now!!! I was already trying to take it easy by not doing any heavy lifting but, not making love to my husband?...That's going to be the hardest thing to give up. I thought I had at least 2 months left to be intimate with him. My husband has told me that me and Sunshine are his world right now. And that if giving up sex will ensure we get to hear Sunshine's heart beat, to feel his/her kicks, to carry him/her full term; it will be more intimate to give birth to the "fruit of our fun," as my husband put it. I'm sure it will be a challenge at times, but we have to do everything we can to protect Sunshine. As for us as a couple, we will find a way to be close, I'm sure. We'll just have to get creative. And I'll leave it at that.
So here we go...active parents from the start! With those two little lines our whole world is changing all for a little Sunshine.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Post 45...Test-aholic
Okay so in all my paranoia about our test yesterday looking so faded, I decided to take another one today. I didn't even use the morning pee but I hadn't gone in a few hours so I figured it was enough time to build up the hormones in the urine sample.
If I doubted it before, there are no doubts now! Within 30 seconds it was already showing two dark lines! I am pregnant for sure! After seeing how clear the test is, it makes it feel more real! I'M PREGNAAAANT!!!! =) It is such a relief to see that the hormones are getting stronger with each day! That means Sunshine is in there growing strong! I couldn't be more happy!
If I doubted it before, there are no doubts now! Within 30 seconds it was already showing two dark lines! I am pregnant for sure! After seeing how clear the test is, it makes it feel more real! I'M PREGNAAAANT!!!! =) It is such a relief to see that the hormones are getting stronger with each day! That means Sunshine is in there growing strong! I couldn't be more happy!
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