After seeing the confusing test on Thursday that had apparently turned positive, I walked down to the store and bought another box of pregnancy tests. We decided to wait until Saturday morning before testing again to allow my body a little more time to build up more hcg hormones to detect if I was in fact pregnant. The wait of course was near impossible, but once again we were back to stage one, waiting to see if perhaps we were pregnant. The odds of getting a false positive are really slim, but then again we've beaten the odds before, and not exactly the favorable odds either.
Once again we had a night of little sleep as we waited for the morning test. At 6am we got up and tested once again. It took a little while to show up but sure enough, there it was, a second line. It was faint like before but undeniable. It was a positive test! The odds of two false positives while having no period and pregnancy symptoms was just impossible! We're pregnant!
Since we were already planning on visiting our parents that day, we decided to share the good news and announce to them. For my parents, since we've been working on putting together a cookbook, I wrote up a mock recipe about the "bun in the oven". And for my in-laws, we ding-dong-ditched a little plushie duck holding one pink and one blue balloon on the doorstep as we hid around the corner of the house. It was fun to announce to them but at the same time, I almost felt reluctant to. I know after two positive tests and all the symptoms, I should feel so sure about being pregnant, but at the moment it's so hard to believe. I keep worrying about having a "normal" miscarriage in the first trimester. We have a game plan for the second trimester so I'm not too worried about that yet. But right now, all I can do is wait more and pray to God that Sunshine can hang in there for the long haul.
It was only yesterday that we confirmed it with another test, but still it's sinking in. I have moments where it feels very real, but other moments where I feel terrified of the pregnancy not sticking. For now I'm taking it very easy and just trying to be as healthy and as relaxed as I can be about it all. I'm extremely excited but extremely nervous at the same time. So much emotion, so much worry, so much unknown.
So far we haven't told any other relatives or any friends (except for one other couple) about the pregnancy. I guess we just want to wait until we have our first sonogram just to make sure things are progressing well. I don't want to seem like I'm not taking the pregnancy as real. I just need to know it's sticking around before everyone is celebrating. I don't want to let them down again, though I know it really wouldn't be my fault. But seeing their disappointment and heartache on top of my own is almost unbearable. Anyway, so for all who might read this, please don't go shouting from the rooftops just yet. When it seems more sure, we'll go from there. We plan on testing again next Wednesday just to see if the test reads out any stronger and if it is staying positive.
Please keep growing little one. Be strong and hang in there. We're going to do all we can to keep you safe. Welcome Sunshine!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Post 43...WTF???
11/4/2101--11:31AM
Okay now I am more confused then ever!!! I just went to the bathroom, and like every time I've had a negative pregnancy test, I dug it out of the trash just to confirm that the negative is still there. Here's where it gets confusing. As I pulled it out I noticed (and God help me 'cause I feel like I'm losing my mind!) there is the slightest faded second line!
....A second line.....
Am I seeing things? Did my pee just soak the test so much that it caused the dye in the test to bleed a little? I have taken dozens of HPTs and never, NEVER have I had one get a faint second line. Not hours after, not even a day later! They always stay negative. So the question is....what in the hell is going on here?......
Why do I do this to myself? (T_T) I guess it's off to the store for more tests. We'll give it a few more days and see what the deal is.
My God our pregnancies never come easy do they?....But it is nice to have a little hope again...even if I kinda love-hate it.
Okay now I am more confused then ever!!! I just went to the bathroom, and like every time I've had a negative pregnancy test, I dug it out of the trash just to confirm that the negative is still there. Here's where it gets confusing. As I pulled it out I noticed (and God help me 'cause I feel like I'm losing my mind!) there is the slightest faded second line!
....A second line.....
Am I seeing things? Did my pee just soak the test so much that it caused the dye in the test to bleed a little? I have taken dozens of HPTs and never, NEVER have I had one get a faint second line. Not hours after, not even a day later! They always stay negative. So the question is....what in the hell is going on here?......
Why do I do this to myself? (T_T) I guess it's off to the store for more tests. We'll give it a few more days and see what the deal is.
My God our pregnancies never come easy do they?....But it is nice to have a little hope again...even if I kinda love-hate it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Post 42...I Don't Understand
I could hardly sleep last night, waiting anxiously to take the test first thing in the morning. Every hour of the night, through our tossing and turning, my husband and I kept checking in with each other, excitedly talking about what the result would be. At one point I drifted off and had an odd dream about breast feeding kittens, and my husband nodded off and dreamt that the Obgyn was at our house telling us to take a pregnancy test in spite of us knowing (in the dream) that we were already pregnant. After having those dreams, we both woke up feeling so sure we were going to see a positive test at last!
After waiting nervously together, my husband sitting on the edge of the tub, both of us giggling excitedly as we waited for the results, we picked up the test to see a single sad line glaring at us. It took a moment for our smiles to fade into sad disillusionment. But as I watched the lines in my husband's face run deep, the familiar pain of disappointment settled into my chest. We're not pregnant. But how can it be? We tried every other day for the entire month! I was showing signs, or so I thought. My husband sat there, counting out loud, trying to figure out if we did the math wrong and tested too early. But there was no denying it; I should have started my period sometime this week, so if the test says negative than it's negative for sure.
I hate my body right now. My husband says it's not my fault, but I don't believe it. Sure I can't control whether the sperm meets the egg, but it's my body that can determine if it's a good environment for the sperm and egg to combine. It's MY stress levels that affect it all, it's MY uterus that either has enough of a lining built up or not, it's MY body that keeps giving off false signs and false hope, it was MY cervix that had to ruin everything last time!!! So how is it not my fault?! Even though I have no control over the actual conception of the embryo, it still comes down to the fact that my body keeps giving off signs of pregnancy and letting us down every month! And I HATE that! I can't keep taking this! Am I supposed to just ignore anything I feel and excuse it away on just being menstruation symptoms? Before the miscarriage, the symptoms between pregnancy and menstruation were a lot more separate. I did not get sore breasts when I was PMSing, no headaches and I did not get so tired or queasy, so why now? Why the change?
I have lost so much hope. How can I keep saying "next time we'll get it" when I'm really finding it hard to believe? I was so sure this month! Now I don't expect it to happen. I don't trust my instincts anymore and that is a sad thing. How can it be this hard to get pregnant? It's not fair! So many stupid people out there that don't want children, who don't care for their children, and yet they so easily get pregnant! Why can't we? We're good people! We've done so much to ready ourselves for this! Am I being punished for some reason? Or is it really just a bland explanation of nature running its course?
I hate seeing all the status updates on Facebook. Everyone posting pictures of their babies, showing off their pregnant bellies, talking about the baby kicking, their child's first steps, and how excited they all are. Why do they get to be happy and I don't? I don't want to see it anymore, I don't want to be reminded of what is missing in my life.
So here I sit, waiting for my period to start. Hoping that it at least comes at this point because, if it doesn't than that's a whole different problem we're facing. I want it to come so I can be angry at it, scream at it, cry over it, and let it be done. Once again I wait for the spots of blood that tell me hope is officially gone this time around.
This year has been painted in red.
After waiting nervously together, my husband sitting on the edge of the tub, both of us giggling excitedly as we waited for the results, we picked up the test to see a single sad line glaring at us. It took a moment for our smiles to fade into sad disillusionment. But as I watched the lines in my husband's face run deep, the familiar pain of disappointment settled into my chest. We're not pregnant. But how can it be? We tried every other day for the entire month! I was showing signs, or so I thought. My husband sat there, counting out loud, trying to figure out if we did the math wrong and tested too early. But there was no denying it; I should have started my period sometime this week, so if the test says negative than it's negative for sure.
I hate my body right now. My husband says it's not my fault, but I don't believe it. Sure I can't control whether the sperm meets the egg, but it's my body that can determine if it's a good environment for the sperm and egg to combine. It's MY stress levels that affect it all, it's MY uterus that either has enough of a lining built up or not, it's MY body that keeps giving off false signs and false hope, it was MY cervix that had to ruin everything last time!!! So how is it not my fault?! Even though I have no control over the actual conception of the embryo, it still comes down to the fact that my body keeps giving off signs of pregnancy and letting us down every month! And I HATE that! I can't keep taking this! Am I supposed to just ignore anything I feel and excuse it away on just being menstruation symptoms? Before the miscarriage, the symptoms between pregnancy and menstruation were a lot more separate. I did not get sore breasts when I was PMSing, no headaches and I did not get so tired or queasy, so why now? Why the change?
I have lost so much hope. How can I keep saying "next time we'll get it" when I'm really finding it hard to believe? I was so sure this month! Now I don't expect it to happen. I don't trust my instincts anymore and that is a sad thing. How can it be this hard to get pregnant? It's not fair! So many stupid people out there that don't want children, who don't care for their children, and yet they so easily get pregnant! Why can't we? We're good people! We've done so much to ready ourselves for this! Am I being punished for some reason? Or is it really just a bland explanation of nature running its course?
I hate seeing all the status updates on Facebook. Everyone posting pictures of their babies, showing off their pregnant bellies, talking about the baby kicking, their child's first steps, and how excited they all are. Why do they get to be happy and I don't? I don't want to see it anymore, I don't want to be reminded of what is missing in my life.
So here I sit, waiting for my period to start. Hoping that it at least comes at this point because, if it doesn't than that's a whole different problem we're facing. I want it to come so I can be angry at it, scream at it, cry over it, and let it be done. Once again I wait for the spots of blood that tell me hope is officially gone this time around.
This year has been painted in red.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Post 41...T'was the Night Before Testing
Well, Aunt Flow still hasn't shown up yet. I'm getting nervous, wondering if she's just lurking around the corner, but so far so good. I have had a little bit more cramping on and off, but it's really mild compared to normal. It's been kind of a pulling feeling, although last night I had a fairly strong cramp but only on one side and it quickly passed. My breasts are hurting more and more, but still I have to wait. Tomorrow morning will reveal all.
I'm scared....
God please let it be positive!
I'm scared....
God please let it be positive!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Post 40...I Hate the Wait!
I am driving myself nuts this morning, analyzing every little change in my body, desperately trying to tell if I'm pregnant or if my period is going to start! So far I'm about 4 days late for a 28 day cycle, but I've been having about a 32-34 day cycle since the miscarriage, so I'm not really "late" yet. If I don't start in the next couple days, we're planning on taking a pregnancy test on Thursday morning and already I've been losing sleep over it. I have been so sure this month that we are pregnant but now that it's coming down to these last few days before either testing or starting my period, I'm second guessing myself right and left!
For the past couple days I've noticed the amount of my cervical mucus has gone down and it feels like my cervix is dropping and hardening, which would point to not being pregnant. But my breasts have still been very achy which could lean towards being pregnant. I've been getting little headaches almost every day (although who's to say that it's not from me stressing myself out over all this), and yesterday when I was up and about I was feeling some more mild cramping and some on and off nausea. I've been bloaty and breaking out but that's nothing new when it comes to this time of the month. I've also been craving big meaty sandwiches (which is what I craved in the last pregnancy) but I can't say it's a clear sign.
So like always, there is not a single thing that loudly declares if I'm pregnant or not. I have to wait and I absolutely hate that with a passion! How am I supposed to easily sit back and wait to see if my body is going to let me down once again or if my whole world is going to lift up with the news of a new baby?!
Why can't my body just give me a clear sign? Why can't it be Thursday already? I keep hoping and praying that things will finally go in our favor when it comes to pregnancy, but all I can do is wait to see if I'll be disappointed again, or if we will finally be welcoming in a new baby into our lives.
The other night dear,
When I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms,
But when I woke dear,
I was mistaken,
And I hung my head and I cried.
You are my Sunshine,
My only Sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are gray,
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't take my Sunshine away.
For the past couple days I've noticed the amount of my cervical mucus has gone down and it feels like my cervix is dropping and hardening, which would point to not being pregnant. But my breasts have still been very achy which could lean towards being pregnant. I've been getting little headaches almost every day (although who's to say that it's not from me stressing myself out over all this), and yesterday when I was up and about I was feeling some more mild cramping and some on and off nausea. I've been bloaty and breaking out but that's nothing new when it comes to this time of the month. I've also been craving big meaty sandwiches (which is what I craved in the last pregnancy) but I can't say it's a clear sign.
So like always, there is not a single thing that loudly declares if I'm pregnant or not. I have to wait and I absolutely hate that with a passion! How am I supposed to easily sit back and wait to see if my body is going to let me down once again or if my whole world is going to lift up with the news of a new baby?!
Why can't my body just give me a clear sign? Why can't it be Thursday already? I keep hoping and praying that things will finally go in our favor when it comes to pregnancy, but all I can do is wait to see if I'll be disappointed again, or if we will finally be welcoming in a new baby into our lives.
The other night dear,
When I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms,
But when I woke dear,
I was mistaken,
And I hung my head and I cried.
You are my Sunshine,
My only Sunshine,
You make me happy,
When skies are gray,
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you,
Please don't take my Sunshine away.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Post 39...Two positive makes me too positive
I might be setting myself up here for disappointment but honestly, I am seriously thinking I could be pregnant. For starters, there has still been no sign of Aunt Flow showing up. I have had very mild cramping from time to time but it's been hardly noticeable but by breasts have still been awfully achy. They aren't so much sore to the touch but they ache deep down. And maybe I'm just seeing things but I swear they look slightly bigger. Also, TMI warning: my nipples look very dark pink. I had this last time I was pregnant too. I don't know if it's more of a result of the areolas getting darker (it's so hard to see the subtle color difference of my areolas. At times they look like they could be darker, but at second glance, it's hard not to feel like I'm just seeing things.) but at any rate my nipples look very bright pink/red.
The other TMI thing has been my cervical mucus (I've got to remind myself I wanted to document EVERYTHING that I'm experiencing so...here we go!). Normally at this time of my cycle, like most women, the cervical mucus dries out around the time right before menstruation begins. Well not this time. I have had a lot of creamy white cervical mucus with the texture of lotion. It has been a lot more noticeable these past few days in particular.
I'm still feeling really tired throughout the day. It feels like I can't get enough sleep! I wake up from a full 8-9 hours of sleep and I feel like I could sleep more. My daily walks seem to zap me of whatever energy I have left, and by the evening time, I'm nearly crashing on the couch!
Lastly, the other "symptom" I have been feeling lately is forgetfulness. Little things here and there seem to be escaping my mind. This last week I went to check the mail. We have a key for our mailbox and so I unlocked the box, grabbed the mail, and then went on my merry way. What I didn't realize until hours later after my walk to the store and back was that I left my keys still dangling in our open mailbox the entire time! I didn't even realize it until I went to unlock the apartment door and noticed that my keys weren't in my purse! All week I keep forgetting things here and there. And whether it's a sign of pregnancy (I know that "pregnancy brain" is a real thing. I certainly had it the last time I was pregnant!) or perhaps my brain is just turning into mush since I don't have a job or school anymore to keep it sharp. Either way, it's resulted to me leaving post-it notes all over the place to remind me of all the little things. Although my neighbors might think I'm crazy if I leave a post-it on the mailbox that reads: remember keys!!!
My only other inspiration for hope was last night's dream. Once again I dreamt about pregnancy this month, but this time the message was unmistakable! I dreamt that I had taken two pregnancy tests, each on a different day, and both turned out positive! The first test I took had only a faint positive, but the second test was as bold as ever. I remember rubbing my tummy and talking excitedly with my friends about it in the dream. I kept repeating that I was pregnant, looking at my tummy and saying "there's a little baby growing in there!" When I woke up, the feeling remained. And who knows. With any luck, maybe there is a little baby growing in there.
The other TMI thing has been my cervical mucus (I've got to remind myself I wanted to document EVERYTHING that I'm experiencing so...here we go!). Normally at this time of my cycle, like most women, the cervical mucus dries out around the time right before menstruation begins. Well not this time. I have had a lot of creamy white cervical mucus with the texture of lotion. It has been a lot more noticeable these past few days in particular.
I'm still feeling really tired throughout the day. It feels like I can't get enough sleep! I wake up from a full 8-9 hours of sleep and I feel like I could sleep more. My daily walks seem to zap me of whatever energy I have left, and by the evening time, I'm nearly crashing on the couch!
Lastly, the other "symptom" I have been feeling lately is forgetfulness. Little things here and there seem to be escaping my mind. This last week I went to check the mail. We have a key for our mailbox and so I unlocked the box, grabbed the mail, and then went on my merry way. What I didn't realize until hours later after my walk to the store and back was that I left my keys still dangling in our open mailbox the entire time! I didn't even realize it until I went to unlock the apartment door and noticed that my keys weren't in my purse! All week I keep forgetting things here and there. And whether it's a sign of pregnancy (I know that "pregnancy brain" is a real thing. I certainly had it the last time I was pregnant!) or perhaps my brain is just turning into mush since I don't have a job or school anymore to keep it sharp. Either way, it's resulted to me leaving post-it notes all over the place to remind me of all the little things. Although my neighbors might think I'm crazy if I leave a post-it on the mailbox that reads: remember keys!!!
My only other inspiration for hope was last night's dream. Once again I dreamt about pregnancy this month, but this time the message was unmistakable! I dreamt that I had taken two pregnancy tests, each on a different day, and both turned out positive! The first test I took had only a faint positive, but the second test was as bold as ever. I remember rubbing my tummy and talking excitedly with my friends about it in the dream. I kept repeating that I was pregnant, looking at my tummy and saying "there's a little baby growing in there!" When I woke up, the feeling remained. And who knows. With any luck, maybe there is a little baby growing in there.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Post 38...Mommy Withdrawals
There came a time after our loss that I gave my husband fair warning. Without having a child to mother, I new I might turn my mothering instincts towards him, and well....it comes out in subtle ways here and there, but there are a few times where it is undeniable!
We were cuddling on the couch when my husband started to look really sleepy. Hugging him close to my chest, I reached over to my laptop and put on some soft music. While softly stroking his hair and rubbing his back, I watched as his eyes began to droop, a relaxed smile on his face. For nearly 30 minutes I laid there with him, rubbing his back and humming quietly to the music when it dawned on me...this was the same music I used at work to put the kids to sleep...good Lord, I just put my husband down for a nap!
Then this morning I woke up early to help my husband with his Halloween costume. Since Halloween is on Sunday this year, everyone at his work is dressing up today (Friday). So there I was at 6:30am painting my husband's face and helping him get ready for work. Out in the dark parking lot, in my tennis shoes and bathrobe, I helped him out to the car carrying the decorated cupcakes I made for him to take to work. And as I blew him a kiss and waved goodbye as he excitedly drove off to work, it hit me again...painting his face...sending him off with cupcakes to share?....Damn it! Mothering urges strike again!
At least I'm not to the point of licking my finger and using it to wipe away whatever "smudgy" is on his face. Although I have to admit, having someone to spoil and take care of does help fill a void in my heart. But I've better watch myself!
We were cuddling on the couch when my husband started to look really sleepy. Hugging him close to my chest, I reached over to my laptop and put on some soft music. While softly stroking his hair and rubbing his back, I watched as his eyes began to droop, a relaxed smile on his face. For nearly 30 minutes I laid there with him, rubbing his back and humming quietly to the music when it dawned on me...this was the same music I used at work to put the kids to sleep...good Lord, I just put my husband down for a nap!
Then this morning I woke up early to help my husband with his Halloween costume. Since Halloween is on Sunday this year, everyone at his work is dressing up today (Friday). So there I was at 6:30am painting my husband's face and helping him get ready for work. Out in the dark parking lot, in my tennis shoes and bathrobe, I helped him out to the car carrying the decorated cupcakes I made for him to take to work. And as I blew him a kiss and waved goodbye as he excitedly drove off to work, it hit me again...painting his face...sending him off with cupcakes to share?....Damn it! Mothering urges strike again!
At least I'm not to the point of licking my finger and using it to wipe away whatever "smudgy" is on his face. Although I have to admit, having someone to spoil and take care of does help fill a void in my heart. But I've better watch myself!
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