It was a beautiful Thursday afternoon. My husband and I had just got off work and decided to start our evening off with some rollerblading to the park. For the past month, we've really enjoyed going for an afternoon skate on the trail, and this day was no different. Like usual, we felt the burn in our legs as we vented about work, rolling out the stresses of the day.
After sitting at the park for a little while, cooling down before the skate back to the car, we tried to figure out what to do that evening when we got home. It was hot and we were reminiscing about refreshing cold drinks. Whisky on the rocks, rum and coke, vanilla vodka and ginger ale....
"Well...we are going to have to push back our plans for getting pregnant anyway, so...."
That night we drank rum on the rocks. And together we made a toast: "here's to not giving in to worries and unnecessary stress."
It was fun to get a buzz. I hadn't had one since we first had wine after the miscarriage. But unfortunately, it also brought up some emotions. I spent a good hour or so crying, thinking about little Joey. Having a drink reminded me too much that he wasn't physically there. So to end the evening and make him feel a little closer, we read him a couple books, shedding both happy and sad tears. That night, the three of us enjoyed an evening of no worries.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Post 15...That's it! I quit!
In my Preparing for Pickle blog I vented a lot about work. With great effort I have tried to avoid doing so in this blog, but the time has come....
I'm not going to go into great detail otherwise this blog will end up being ten pages long. But to sum things up, I have become so fed up with the crap going on at work that I decided to give my notice. Since I've been working as a float, helping out in the office more, and working in every classroom, I have learned a thing or two about my work. There are some nasty skeletons in their closets, and a lot of things going on that I'm pretty sure are illegal. Things such as, not paying people for working overtime, not giving people lunch breaks even though they've been working a 9+ hour day. And my all time favorite, keeping sick employees at work because the boss doesn't want to invest in hiring another staff member to cover for people who are sick. As a result, we have had illness consuming the place. They even forced one employee to stay at work for a full day even though she had a high fever. The next week, kids where dropping out of the class with 103 fevers. These are 2 year old kids.
For several weeks, I fought myself over the idea of giving notice. But it was clear that my work was not a good environment. There have been two major factors that have kept me at my job for so long: the economy sucks for the job seeker, and if I left it might force us to push back our plans for a baby yet again because of the money. And after my in-laws just made such a generous offer to cover the expenses of our brakes to help us with money, I was feeling horribly guilty about pushing things back for my own personal reasons.
But after spending nearly every day in rage or tears over my work, my husband finally said "I need you to leave this place. Even if we have to put off our plans for Sunshine, I can't have you be this miserable all the time. If we're going to have another baby, I need you to be happy. It would be healthier for our family and for us as a couple." When I considered how incredibly happy I was those few days I took off from work, I realized he was right. I couldn't stay at this place.
So this could be financial suicide, but I gave my notice. My last day will be August 20th. It's scares me to no end not knowing where I'll go from here. This could be great, it could make things really tricky. But either way, it has to be better than this job! There is still a chance the Google job I applied for might work out. Interviews should start at the end of this month. And hey...even if we have to push things back to closer to December, there's nothing wrong with a Christmas baby, right?
And that Sunshine went on to save Christmas....
I'm not going to go into great detail otherwise this blog will end up being ten pages long. But to sum things up, I have become so fed up with the crap going on at work that I decided to give my notice. Since I've been working as a float, helping out in the office more, and working in every classroom, I have learned a thing or two about my work. There are some nasty skeletons in their closets, and a lot of things going on that I'm pretty sure are illegal. Things such as, not paying people for working overtime, not giving people lunch breaks even though they've been working a 9+ hour day. And my all time favorite, keeping sick employees at work because the boss doesn't want to invest in hiring another staff member to cover for people who are sick. As a result, we have had illness consuming the place. They even forced one employee to stay at work for a full day even though she had a high fever. The next week, kids where dropping out of the class with 103 fevers. These are 2 year old kids.
For several weeks, I fought myself over the idea of giving notice. But it was clear that my work was not a good environment. There have been two major factors that have kept me at my job for so long: the economy sucks for the job seeker, and if I left it might force us to push back our plans for a baby yet again because of the money. And after my in-laws just made such a generous offer to cover the expenses of our brakes to help us with money, I was feeling horribly guilty about pushing things back for my own personal reasons.
But after spending nearly every day in rage or tears over my work, my husband finally said "I need you to leave this place. Even if we have to put off our plans for Sunshine, I can't have you be this miserable all the time. If we're going to have another baby, I need you to be happy. It would be healthier for our family and for us as a couple." When I considered how incredibly happy I was those few days I took off from work, I realized he was right. I couldn't stay at this place.
So this could be financial suicide, but I gave my notice. My last day will be August 20th. It's scares me to no end not knowing where I'll go from here. This could be great, it could make things really tricky. But either way, it has to be better than this job! There is still a chance the Google job I applied for might work out. Interviews should start at the end of this month. And hey...even if we have to push things back to closer to December, there's nothing wrong with a Christmas baby, right?
And that Sunshine went on to save Christmas....
Post 14...Pump the brakes!
My mother-in-law and I getting along?! Hold on now! Back up! What's going on here?!
It had been a terrible day at work, full of the usual borderline slave labor and awful attitudes. So rather than force myself yet again through a day of grinding my teeth, I decided to play sick and go home early. All afternoon, I was in complete bliss as I sat listening to jazz music, drinking coffee, and applying for other jobs. Realizing what a confident boost I got being away from work, feeling relaxation and happiness I hadn't felt nearly all year; I decided that, for my own sanity, it would be best to be "sick" the next day too. So, I croaked out an agonizing phone call to my boss and bought myself another day.
The next day was once again a swirl of coffee, jazz, and new found happiness. Funny how much more confident I felt when I wasn't at work getting battered down constantly. Go figure! Anyway, that same day my mother-in-law was planning on stopping by to drop off a few things she had been meaning to give us (one of my husband's old dressers, and some new pots and pans my brother-in-law's girlfriend wanted to give us). And much to my surprise, we ended up hanging out and talking for a good long while. It was such a nice visit! Ever since we have lost Joey Jr. I feel that my mother-in-law and I have become much closer. More than ever before, I have been able to talk more freely and feel more relaxed around her.
Of course, the hot topic with my mother-in-law has been when my husband and I will be trying for another baby. With a heavy heart, I had to tell her our plans were being put off because of finances. With so many financial obligations, (loans, bills, the car brakes, medical bills...) we just can't afford a baby as soon as we had hoped. It was hard to see the disappointment in her face. She has so desperately wanted us to be able to have a baby again soon. I knew this wasn't what she wanted to hear.
But little did I know to what lengths my in-laws were willing to go to help us be that much closer to trying for another baby!....
The next day, my in-laws called us up. I came into the room to see my husband sitting there on the phone with a dumbfounded look on his face.
"What is it? What is it?" I asked, bouncing next to him.
"They want to pay in full for our car brakes and new tires." he fumbled out.
"They what?!" I gasped. "But that's a lot of money!"
My husband just nodded.
When he got off the phone, he explained to me that his dad wanted to help pay for our car brakes so that we wouldn't have another financial thing to worry about, and mostly so he could be sure we could be safe driving this winter. Safety for winter perhaps, but I knew the real reason behind the offer.
The man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants to.
Thanks mom-in-law. I guess I never knew how much she really wanted us to have a little Sunshine in our lives.
It had been a terrible day at work, full of the usual borderline slave labor and awful attitudes. So rather than force myself yet again through a day of grinding my teeth, I decided to play sick and go home early. All afternoon, I was in complete bliss as I sat listening to jazz music, drinking coffee, and applying for other jobs. Realizing what a confident boost I got being away from work, feeling relaxation and happiness I hadn't felt nearly all year; I decided that, for my own sanity, it would be best to be "sick" the next day too. So, I croaked out an agonizing phone call to my boss and bought myself another day.
The next day was once again a swirl of coffee, jazz, and new found happiness. Funny how much more confident I felt when I wasn't at work getting battered down constantly. Go figure! Anyway, that same day my mother-in-law was planning on stopping by to drop off a few things she had been meaning to give us (one of my husband's old dressers, and some new pots and pans my brother-in-law's girlfriend wanted to give us). And much to my surprise, we ended up hanging out and talking for a good long while. It was such a nice visit! Ever since we have lost Joey Jr. I feel that my mother-in-law and I have become much closer. More than ever before, I have been able to talk more freely and feel more relaxed around her.
Of course, the hot topic with my mother-in-law has been when my husband and I will be trying for another baby. With a heavy heart, I had to tell her our plans were being put off because of finances. With so many financial obligations, (loans, bills, the car brakes, medical bills...) we just can't afford a baby as soon as we had hoped. It was hard to see the disappointment in her face. She has so desperately wanted us to be able to have a baby again soon. I knew this wasn't what she wanted to hear.
But little did I know to what lengths my in-laws were willing to go to help us be that much closer to trying for another baby!....
The next day, my in-laws called us up. I came into the room to see my husband sitting there on the phone with a dumbfounded look on his face.
"What is it? What is it?" I asked, bouncing next to him.
"They want to pay in full for our car brakes and new tires." he fumbled out.
"They what?!" I gasped. "But that's a lot of money!"
My husband just nodded.
When he got off the phone, he explained to me that his dad wanted to help pay for our car brakes so that we wouldn't have another financial thing to worry about, and mostly so he could be sure we could be safe driving this winter. Safety for winter perhaps, but I knew the real reason behind the offer.
The man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants to.
Thanks mom-in-law. I guess I never knew how much she really wanted us to have a little Sunshine in our lives.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Post 13...Remember when
Remember back in the day when you could have a baby, buy everyone a round of cigars, take yourself out for a nice dinner afterwards, and still have change from the nickel?....Me neither. And although the medical bills we got from the hospital are manageable, it's still a hefty chunk of change!
For nearly a year, we had been building up our savings so that I could have been out with the baby for a year after birth. But since the medical bills have been rolling in after the miscarriage, we've been watching our savings shrink away. It of course didn't help to have my hours cut after coming back to work from the miscarriage, putting nearly a complete halt on salvaging what remained of our savings. Nothing like going through the worst moment in your life, only to be greeted with: "welcome back! Sorry for your loss. By the way we gave your job to someone else. But hey, we saved you some leftover hours. Just reheat at 350 degrees for the next three months."
Of course, when our financial obligations go up, our car breaks decide to squeal out a big "fuck you" as they remind us of their fair share of our paychecks. We then got notice that our rent was going to go up with our lease renewal as well...this is when I start to smack my head onto the desk and grumble at how much I hate the world.
With a heavy heart, after re-evaluating our financial status, we realized that we aren't going to be able to afford getting pregnant in October like we were hoping. Now with an understanding of what the medical bills will be next time around, and considering I'll have to be out on bed rest for the majority of the pregnancy (meaning we'd have to save more in order to afford me being out of work for so long), getting pregnant as early as October is no longer an option for us it seems. It is so extremely hard to continually have to put off our plans and readjust to life kicking us down every time we try to dust ourselves off and move forward. But once again, we are left with a painful practice in patience.
I hate the waiting game.
Be still my heart and cease repining,
for behind the clouds the sun is still shining,
thy fate is the common fate of all,
and into each life some rain must fall,
some days are dark and dreary.
For nearly a year, we had been building up our savings so that I could have been out with the baby for a year after birth. But since the medical bills have been rolling in after the miscarriage, we've been watching our savings shrink away. It of course didn't help to have my hours cut after coming back to work from the miscarriage, putting nearly a complete halt on salvaging what remained of our savings. Nothing like going through the worst moment in your life, only to be greeted with: "welcome back! Sorry for your loss. By the way we gave your job to someone else. But hey, we saved you some leftover hours. Just reheat at 350 degrees for the next three months."
Of course, when our financial obligations go up, our car breaks decide to squeal out a big "fuck you" as they remind us of their fair share of our paychecks. We then got notice that our rent was going to go up with our lease renewal as well...this is when I start to smack my head onto the desk and grumble at how much I hate the world.
With a heavy heart, after re-evaluating our financial status, we realized that we aren't going to be able to afford getting pregnant in October like we were hoping. Now with an understanding of what the medical bills will be next time around, and considering I'll have to be out on bed rest for the majority of the pregnancy (meaning we'd have to save more in order to afford me being out of work for so long), getting pregnant as early as October is no longer an option for us it seems. It is so extremely hard to continually have to put off our plans and readjust to life kicking us down every time we try to dust ourselves off and move forward. But once again, we are left with a painful practice in patience.
I hate the waiting game.
Be still my heart and cease repining,
for behind the clouds the sun is still shining,
thy fate is the common fate of all,
and into each life some rain must fall,
some days are dark and dreary.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Post 12...Six questions
No one can tell me when I'll be ready to have another baby. Yes we have a tentative date in mind for when we could start trying (late September, early October), but before that, we really have to ask ourselves some hard questions. It's so hard to be the judge of my own feelings and readiness. Unlike the observer, I'm feeling all the emotions, all the fear, making it harder to decipher what is "ready" and what is "ignorance." So many times I have wondered: "am I honestly ready to try again or do I just think that because, on some level, I'm just suppressing issues? How do I know if I'm suppressing things? Doesn't that mean it's beyond my own awareness?" And around and around I go....
In the most unexpected of times, I have had issues pour out of me that I had no idea were in me to begin with. Several times lately, I have brought home my frustrations with work and unfortunately took them out on my husband. There was one argument in particular, after having a frustrating day of belittlement from co-workers, I was yelling at my husband about how I just didn't seem good enough to anyone no matter how hard I worked. But the middle of spewing out anger from work I yelled: "Apparently my cervix isn't the only incompetent thing about me! I'm such an idiot, I can't even do the most basic of things a woman is supposed to do! I can't even carry a baby full term!"
.........Silence.......
What in the hell did that have to do with work?....Absolutely nothing. I realized that night that on some level, I wanted to have a successful pregnancy to prove to myself that I was just as capable, just as much of a woman as the next. The miscarriage has shaken my confidence something fierce, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my broken self in this time of transition. But it left me wondering: is it okay to go into another pregnancy with part of it being the need to prove to myself that I can do it?
So my husband and I decided to do a little reading. Before we left the hospital after the miscarriage, we were given a packet on handling grief after a loss. In the back of the packet is a section on knowing when you're ready to try. And in that section there were six main questions we had to ask ourselves:
1-Does the loss still consume my every thought?
-We were both happy and sad to say no.
2-Am I obsessed with becoming pregnant?
-I had to really be honest with myself there and the answer was no. We are determined in many ways to get pregnant again, but we are also taking our time to physically and mentally heal as we plan ahead for Sunshine. He deserves the same running start as Pickle had.
3-Can I think about the loss without it tearing me apart?
-Yes. Again, we have our moments such as the monthly markers. But otherwise, we can look back with more love than anything else.
4-Am I able to once again find importance in other people and activities?
-For sure! We both have found new goals and importance in old ones. And we have made a point to get out and have more fun with family and friends.
5-Do I have happiness in my life, so that I can laugh and enjoy my life?
-Every day. This whole experience has brought us closer together as a couple and if that's not something worth being happy about, I don't know what is.
6-Am I expecting this next child to make me feel better?
-This was the hardest question of all. In some ways, yes. In other ways, no. To start with, no we don't think the next child will make us feel better in a sense of forgetting Joey. In no way would we be replacing Joey. Pickle and Sunshine are two separate people. So in the sense of making us feel better about the loss; nothing will erase that experience. But in realizing I can carry a baby full term, and the fact that we will have a beautiful baby to take home with us-to love and to raise-then yes. In many ways, we see the next pregnancy as bring everything full circle. We would be using the gift Joey gave us to have a successful pregnancy. So, in some ways, yes the next child would make us feel "better." It's all bitter sweet.
After dissecting ourselves thoroughly, we came to the conclusion: when I am physically ready, and if the budget is set, come late September....we feel like we'll be ready to try again.
"I'm looking forward to my next pregnancy with a greater insight into how precious and fragile life is."
For now, the forecast for the fall....partly cloudy with a chance of Sunshine.
In the most unexpected of times, I have had issues pour out of me that I had no idea were in me to begin with. Several times lately, I have brought home my frustrations with work and unfortunately took them out on my husband. There was one argument in particular, after having a frustrating day of belittlement from co-workers, I was yelling at my husband about how I just didn't seem good enough to anyone no matter how hard I worked. But the middle of spewing out anger from work I yelled: "Apparently my cervix isn't the only incompetent thing about me! I'm such an idiot, I can't even do the most basic of things a woman is supposed to do! I can't even carry a baby full term!"
.........Silence.......
What in the hell did that have to do with work?....Absolutely nothing. I realized that night that on some level, I wanted to have a successful pregnancy to prove to myself that I was just as capable, just as much of a woman as the next. The miscarriage has shaken my confidence something fierce, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my broken self in this time of transition. But it left me wondering: is it okay to go into another pregnancy with part of it being the need to prove to myself that I can do it?
So my husband and I decided to do a little reading. Before we left the hospital after the miscarriage, we were given a packet on handling grief after a loss. In the back of the packet is a section on knowing when you're ready to try. And in that section there were six main questions we had to ask ourselves:
1-Does the loss still consume my every thought?
-We were both happy and sad to say no.
2-Am I obsessed with becoming pregnant?
-I had to really be honest with myself there and the answer was no. We are determined in many ways to get pregnant again, but we are also taking our time to physically and mentally heal as we plan ahead for Sunshine. He deserves the same running start as Pickle had.
3-Can I think about the loss without it tearing me apart?
-Yes. Again, we have our moments such as the monthly markers. But otherwise, we can look back with more love than anything else.
4-Am I able to once again find importance in other people and activities?
-For sure! We both have found new goals and importance in old ones. And we have made a point to get out and have more fun with family and friends.
5-Do I have happiness in my life, so that I can laugh and enjoy my life?
-Every day. This whole experience has brought us closer together as a couple and if that's not something worth being happy about, I don't know what is.
6-Am I expecting this next child to make me feel better?
-This was the hardest question of all. In some ways, yes. In other ways, no. To start with, no we don't think the next child will make us feel better in a sense of forgetting Joey. In no way would we be replacing Joey. Pickle and Sunshine are two separate people. So in the sense of making us feel better about the loss; nothing will erase that experience. But in realizing I can carry a baby full term, and the fact that we will have a beautiful baby to take home with us-to love and to raise-then yes. In many ways, we see the next pregnancy as bring everything full circle. We would be using the gift Joey gave us to have a successful pregnancy. So, in some ways, yes the next child would make us feel "better." It's all bitter sweet.
After dissecting ourselves thoroughly, we came to the conclusion: when I am physically ready, and if the budget is set, come late September....we feel like we'll be ready to try again.
"I'm looking forward to my next pregnancy with a greater insight into how precious and fragile life is."
For now, the forecast for the fall....partly cloudy with a chance of Sunshine.
Post 11...Stop & Go thoughts
I've been sitting in a lot of traffic lately. On my way to pick up my husband from work, there are days were I will sit in traffic for nearly an hour for what should be only a 15 minute drive. Inch by rolling inch I watch as the world sags in a sweaty gasoline infused haze.
One particularly stuffy day I sat still in traffic, watching in my rearview mirror as the women driving in the car behind me uncouthly flossed her teeth in between the stop and go of traffic. Aside from lecturing the woman silently in my head, praying to God she wouldn't rear-end me the moment she became too engrossed in some piece of whatever wedged in her teeth from lunch, my thoughts were swimming around the idea of pregnancy and when I'd be ready to try again. In my last blog, it was two months since the loss of Joey. Although I spent that day in my head, sitting in the hospital bed holding him again, the next day went right back to the monotonous mundane.
-A car cut me off and idly sat horizontal in my lane, waiting to merge into the next. All other traffic was moving forward while I sat stuck behind the incompetent driver. I cursed under my breath.-
I gripped the steering wheel with one hand and held my head in the other.-How am I supposed to know when I'm ready to try again? It can't be that I would have no sad feelings at all about the loss of Joey. Because no matter how much times goes by, the death of my baby will always hurt on some level. I don't always cry when I talk about it now, and I can even think back on holding him with more love than hurt. Obviously there will be no loud awakening moment that will tell me when I am 100% sure ready.
-The piercing criticism of a car horn sounds loudly up ahead causing me to jolt and grip the wheel tighter.-
I turned up my music to try and tune out the sounds of traffic and relax a little.-Well, perhaps I am more ready than I thought, though. For the past few days I had been working in the toddler rooms and thoroughly loving it. The children warmed up to me instantly, and when they were down for their nap, I was eagerly taking pictures of the classroom decorations and some of the toys. I couldn't help but think: 'I could decorate Sunshine's room with this' or 'these toys would be perfect!' It's been a long while since I have been that positive, looking forward and learning more for the next pregnancy. If that's not a sign of being closer to trying again, I don't know what is.
A glimmer of clarity and hope started in me that day as I sat in traffic. I was getting nowhere fast and constantly getting cut off as I impatiently tried to make my way through, but I kept moving forward none the less.
Here comes the Sun and I say...it's alright.
One particularly stuffy day I sat still in traffic, watching in my rearview mirror as the women driving in the car behind me uncouthly flossed her teeth in between the stop and go of traffic. Aside from lecturing the woman silently in my head, praying to God she wouldn't rear-end me the moment she became too engrossed in some piece of whatever wedged in her teeth from lunch, my thoughts were swimming around the idea of pregnancy and when I'd be ready to try again. In my last blog, it was two months since the loss of Joey. Although I spent that day in my head, sitting in the hospital bed holding him again, the next day went right back to the monotonous mundane.
-A car cut me off and idly sat horizontal in my lane, waiting to merge into the next. All other traffic was moving forward while I sat stuck behind the incompetent driver. I cursed under my breath.-
I gripped the steering wheel with one hand and held my head in the other.-How am I supposed to know when I'm ready to try again? It can't be that I would have no sad feelings at all about the loss of Joey. Because no matter how much times goes by, the death of my baby will always hurt on some level. I don't always cry when I talk about it now, and I can even think back on holding him with more love than hurt. Obviously there will be no loud awakening moment that will tell me when I am 100% sure ready.
-The piercing criticism of a car horn sounds loudly up ahead causing me to jolt and grip the wheel tighter.-
I turned up my music to try and tune out the sounds of traffic and relax a little.-Well, perhaps I am more ready than I thought, though. For the past few days I had been working in the toddler rooms and thoroughly loving it. The children warmed up to me instantly, and when they were down for their nap, I was eagerly taking pictures of the classroom decorations and some of the toys. I couldn't help but think: 'I could decorate Sunshine's room with this' or 'these toys would be perfect!' It's been a long while since I have been that positive, looking forward and learning more for the next pregnancy. If that's not a sign of being closer to trying again, I don't know what is.
A glimmer of clarity and hope started in me that day as I sat in traffic. I was getting nowhere fast and constantly getting cut off as I impatiently tried to make my way through, but I kept moving forward none the less.
Here comes the Sun and I say...it's alright.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Post 10...forget me not
It's been two months today since we lost Joey Jr. It feels like forever ago and yet just seeing how much my life has moved on since Joey's passing makes me feel so guilty. I know that it's good that my life has been moving forward, but in some ways it almost feels like it's been moving so fast I haven't had time to fully adjust. After a night of bad dreams, I immediately woke up to the thought of him. I didn't expect it to still affect me so much (though, I don't know why I thought that, considering again that it's only been two months) but I spent most of my morning crying as I tried to get ready for work. It was tempting to want to call in sick, but yesterday my husband and I already came home early. It was totally worth it, but because of it, I didn't want to call in sick twice in a row.
The work day was incredibly hard. I hate how much everyone at work has seemed to forgotten what has happened. I don't know why I would expect anyone else to remember the importance of the date, but still...When I'm working with other pregnant women, surrounded by infants and toddlers, it took every bit of strength I could to pull myself together after crying quietly in the bathroom when I got a few moments to myself. Everyone at work keeps acting like I should be over it by now, and so I hide my tears. Right after the loss, I was silly enough to worry that people would think I wasn't mourning enough since I didn't turn into a complete recluse. But now it seems like people are more comfortable acting like nothing happened. Aurg! It just makes me want a new job all the more!!!
I don't want to spend the whole time venting about work but God I want to get out of there! I haven't heard anything from Google about an interview yet. But from what my recruiter said, they haven't started interviews yet since they just finished moving into a new building. They should be calling any day. So there's still hope, but it's hard to wait for the call.
On the plus side of things, after the stressful work day, my husband and I had a fun and relaxing time rollerblading. The new rollerblades he bought for me came in yesterday so I had to take them for a test run. It was so fun! Nothing like skating around in the sunshine with my husband to let go of the stress of the day.
It's been a long day and today, more than ever, the urge to have a big glass or wine (or any drink that would get me buzzed at this rate) is testing my resolve. I want so badly to have a drink, but I want to give Sunshine just as clean of a start as Pickle did. No alcohol...damn.
I would have been 7 months along today.
The work day was incredibly hard. I hate how much everyone at work has seemed to forgotten what has happened. I don't know why I would expect anyone else to remember the importance of the date, but still...When I'm working with other pregnant women, surrounded by infants and toddlers, it took every bit of strength I could to pull myself together after crying quietly in the bathroom when I got a few moments to myself. Everyone at work keeps acting like I should be over it by now, and so I hide my tears. Right after the loss, I was silly enough to worry that people would think I wasn't mourning enough since I didn't turn into a complete recluse. But now it seems like people are more comfortable acting like nothing happened. Aurg! It just makes me want a new job all the more!!!
I don't want to spend the whole time venting about work but God I want to get out of there! I haven't heard anything from Google about an interview yet. But from what my recruiter said, they haven't started interviews yet since they just finished moving into a new building. They should be calling any day. So there's still hope, but it's hard to wait for the call.
On the plus side of things, after the stressful work day, my husband and I had a fun and relaxing time rollerblading. The new rollerblades he bought for me came in yesterday so I had to take them for a test run. It was so fun! Nothing like skating around in the sunshine with my husband to let go of the stress of the day.
It's been a long day and today, more than ever, the urge to have a big glass or wine (or any drink that would get me buzzed at this rate) is testing my resolve. I want so badly to have a drink, but I want to give Sunshine just as clean of a start as Pickle did. No alcohol...damn.
I would have been 7 months along today.
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